Confusion Reigns Part 4

[RosaLinda]

Aw Ang, you've been thru such a hard time these past 2 weeks, but have been doing great. Your poor H is so confused, but you are standing strong and giving him the space he needs when he needs it, and being there for him when he needs that. I like your and T2's analogy of a dimmer switch. Sort of a combo of STFU and validating, right? It seems like H is trying very hard to figure this out, and to think. Thinking is always difficult for a temporarily crazy person.

You know how Cadet always tells us not to believe a single thing the MLCer says? I guess that's mostly true, but I do believe your H when he told you that his "love" for the OW isn't really love, and that you don't understand their relationship. Infatuation maybe. But how could real love be based on a pack of lies?

And now those lies have been revealed to OW. We'll see what she is made of now, if she sticks to her moral compass now that she learned H is NOT divorced. I was impressed when she told you that divorce is horrible, and that she hopes you can forgive H and work on your marriage. Hopefully she has dropped H like a hot potato.

I agree with Patient Man, you are awesome. I just started telling myself that today too. RT has nothing on me, and OW has nothing on you Angela. Nothing! Don't forget that!

[Feenix]

CRISIS ALERT!!! HELP!!!
SO, I hadn't updated in a few days because things were going really, really well.

Friday afternoon and Saturday, H and I spent time together. He mentioned that we'd had a really good week (I guess the space was good?), etc. I was so excited that the DBing was working.

And, yes, I'm a dumb@$$. I had sex with him Friday, Saturday, and today. We were getting along, laughing....everything was going so well.

Then, while he was sleeping a phone started going off...but it wasn't the one he had out. I found it...and found several NAKED pictures of him and some blond I've never seen in bed together...and the phone was going off because she was texting him. He woke up and grabbed the phone before I could see the texts...but YES, he is having ANOTHER affair with a different woman....and this time, they have had sex.....multiple times.

I'm devastated. What the HE!L is wrong with him????? What am I supposed to do???

He texted her, with me present, to tell her that his wife found the pictures and knows....but she's a girl at work. And he just left for work....so I'm sure he'll tell her all kinds of lies to fix it...tonight, they'll probably go make love and make fun of me and how stupid I've been.

He did say, as he left, that this is the reason he's been so hateful and mean the past few months....

I said, "yeah, because you hate me and hate being tied down to me."

And he said, "no, because I hate myself so much." then he left.

now he keeps calling me about dumb stuff, like the time change.

he keeps asking if i'm going to kick him out.

He wants to "talk" tomorrow. He knows I took off work. There is no way that I can teach a bunch of students with thoughts of him and her having sex in my head.

How can this marriage ever work? And, seriously, is it even worth me trying anymore?

[Feenix]

Aw Ang, you've been thru such a hard time these past 2 weeks, but have been doing great. Your poor H is so confused, but you are standing strong and giving him the space he needs when he needs it, and being there for him when he needs that. I like your and T2's analogy of a dimmer switch. Sort of a combo of STFU and validating, right? It seems like H is trying very hard to figure this out, and to think. Thinking is always difficult for a temporarily crazy person.

You know how Cadet always tells us not to believe a single thing the MLCer says? I guess that's mostly true, but I do believe your H when he told you that his "love" for the OW isn't really love, and that you don't understand their relationship. Infatuation maybe. But how could real love be based on a pack of lies?

And now those lies have been revealed to OW. We'll see what she is made of now, if she sticks to her moral compass now that she learned H is NOT divorced. I was impressed when she told you that divorce is horrible, and that she hopes you can forgive H and work on your marriage. Hopefully she has dropped H like a hot potato.

I agree with Patient Man, you are awesome. I just started telling myself that today too. RT has nothing on me, and OW has nothing on you Angela. Nothing! Don't forget that!

Rosa, thank you so much for what you wrote. I've since found out about another affair....this time a PA...and my world is just destroyed. I don't know how I can stay married to him after this.

I know that I'll be okay...I just so much wanted my marriage to work. I wanted him to love me again.....and now, this.

YOU, Rosa, are strong, dealing with the RT and standing for your marriage despite of you've been through. I just feel like lying down and giving up right now. I will NEVER be able to trust H again. Ever.

[Feenix]

Pud, uR, rH, BF, Rosa, PM, T2, cadet, cat... anyone? I really need some advice, please. I thought I'd hit rock bottom before, but I was wrong.

[willbwell]

what I have heard from others is take a moment. breath. thought stop- because otherwise it will make you sick. talk to him when you are ready. if you don't want to talk to him tomorrow, then don't. give yourself a little time.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. its awful I know.

[Feenix]

thank willbwell. I'm calm. And, I'll follow your advice.

Just so numb...and so heartbroken.

This is so UNFAIR! I have been working on me...and working on being a better person and a better wife....and none of it mattered to him.

[kml]

Yes, I agree with taking some time. If you don't feel ready to talk to H tomorrow, don't. If he has to sweat a little before you'll talk to him about this - fine. He should sweat.

Now - what I am going to say next = please understand, I am NOT talking about the chances of you reconciling. You have four kids and history and reconciliation may well be in your future.

BUT - if it is - do NOT make the mistake I made, of taking him back too easily. IF he is remorseful and wants to work things out- MAKE HIM DO THE WORK! Make him get counseling, go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, if you think it fits, make him give you total transparency on finances and computer (so that things like "extra" cell phones won't be possible - unless OW pays for them, I suppose).

And yes, you may well decide that you can't trust him. A year long internet affair, and a secret cell phone for a second affair - that's a LOT of betrayal, ongoing, deliberate betrayal. But give yourself some time to breathe, don't make that decision in haste. The impact on the kids is too great - give yourself the opportunity at least to say you did everything you could.

But that "everything" does not mean leaning over backwards and being a doormat. It very well may mean standing up for yourself and insisting H does the hard work of growing a pair and facing up to his bad behavior.

[LoisB]

Ditto.

I wouldn't talk to him tonight. You need time.

If you can't sleep tonight--been there--google hero, spouse, MLC.

It's a site written by someone who used to post on the boards. We can't make links to other sites on the boards.

She has lots of really good information about "who is the OW." It will help. At least it helped me when I was in the depths. It brings to light who these women are and how sick they are, in addition to our spouses.

He is a sick puppy. And, you can only put him in God's hands right now. Turn off the phone if you have to. Take care of your heart tonight.

I'm so sorry Angela. Time to regroup for sure. I know you are a strong lady though and you will be ok.

Heather

[Feenix]

Thanks, kml and heather.

One thing I am so grateful for is the people on these boards....AND the fact that I'd already been detaching and working on me and using DBing principles. That does make it easier to not be so crazy right now.

Plus, I'm still reeling from the other EA...and, strange as it is, I've actually been praying that God would reveal any other affairs, issues, etc. so that I can know the whole truth about everything. I'm so tired of the lies.

When I first found this board, I was kinda upset that people told me, more than once, to expect my MLCer to be having affairs. I was like,"not my H."

This really sux and really hurts...but I'm glad I had this site. Knowledge is power.

I did lose it a little bit when I saw the pictures and confronted him....but after a bit, I regained my perspective and remembered all the advice on this site.

One ironic thing is my Divorce Remedy book is coming sometime this week. Not sure that it matters now.

And, I've done so much googling...that I have actually read a lot of the Hero Spouse stuff. I'll go back and reread. I'm not going to be getting much sleep tonight...at least, not for a bit.

Thanks!

[willbwell]

I thought the same thing. not my h. it is truly such a script they follow. in a weird way it helps me to cope a bit. to realize this is a mlc.

I agree with kml. I know we want the pain to go away. I let h come back twice. I made it way too easy for him. I think I still do. I give him space, but he feels no consequences.

Give yourself some time. you are a busy mom. You and your children are your priority. Ask God to help you get thru and to also help your h. T