wife hardens heart-5

[planet]

Dude I did just that. It's in a couple of posts back.
I told XW it is inappropriate but she is defensive and gave some excuse she didn't teach them. She didn't see it as a problem and said because he's always around that kids he's like a daddy.
I even tried to set up a meeting with OM but he did not turn up. Texted him my 'thoughts'.

[planet]

My biggest concern now is my kids.

I have decided to leave XW to herself now. She have made her choice to go underground and not being truthful with herself, me and probably her family and friends. The domestic help may be the only one who knows much much more!

Am I hurt? Yes but nothing really surprises me anymore with those two. XW can deny it until kingdom comes but it isn't what it seems. She had an EA but denies it when I told her so I moved out.

Nothing can compel her to rethink her actions. Once someone is so comfortable with what one have right now, why would anyone give that up?

I immediately gave up a friendship with a girl because she made GF (XW) uncomfortable. I told XW that. She replied that I did it when we were happy, she did it because she was unhappy.

You see? Nothing will convince her otherwise. She is dead set on this relationship and she will not change her mind once she have let go of her guilt. I know her.

[MrBond]

"Am I hurt? Yes but nothing really surprises me anymore with those two. XW can deny it until kingdom comes but it isn't what it seems. She had an EA but denies it when I told her so I moved out."

First of all, unless you're the LBS, you're not going to fully understand what an EA is. She doesn't see it as an "affair". There was no point in you demanding her to acknowledge it.

"Nothing can compel her to rethink her actions."

That's not true. Sure she makes her own decisions, but hers (like everyone elses') are based on the current stimulus she's receiving. She likes the "buzz" she gets from the OM so that's what compelling her to not get back with you.

"Once someone is so comfortable with what one have right now, why would anyone give that up?"

When they see another situation that is equally, if not, more comfortable. That's what happened between you and her.

"I immediately gave up a friendship with a girl because she made GF (XW) uncomfortable. I told XW that. She replied that I did it when we were happy, she did it because she was unhappy."

And she was honest.

"You see? Nothing will convince her otherwise. She is dead set on this relationship and she will not change her mind once she have let go of her guilt. I know her."

So? Your issue isn't the OM, it's your relationship with your W. Even if the OM wasn't there, she wouldn't go running back to you. Just keep concentrating on your kids.

[JayMan]

@planet - this is time to focus on the kids. In 2006, XW1 separated and went through at least three guys in probably 6 months before finally moving in with a guy - she threw his stuff out on the lawn about 4 months later.

I finally quit trying with her, and focused on (at the time) D6 and S3, now D13 and S11. The more I focused on them, and completely left XW1 out of it, the better things got. I didn't save my marriage, but I saved my kids, and I saved me - and XW1 got a lot of counseling and is now becoming a decent person/parent.

More currently, my W had moved out, and S5 has become a hellion because I am not there to discipline him and lay boundaries. Before, I could say one thing to him and he would instantly obey - now, he kicks and screams and throws fits, and W has no idea what to do. In a year or two, he'll be uncontrollable. She even asked if maybe I could keep him a couple days a week while we figure things out...

Now's your time to shine!

[Wonka]

Dude I did just that. It's in a couple of posts back. I told XW it is inappropriate but she is defensive and gave some excuse she didn't teach them. She didn't see it as a problem and said because he's always around that kids he's like a daddy.

I even tried to set up a meeting with OM but he did not turn up. Texted him my 'thoughts'.

It seems to me that you approached W a bit too tentatively when saying it was "inappropriate" that your kids calls the OM 'Daddy.' You need to man up and really confront her about that. Show 'em who's the real Daddy here!!!

Don't bother acknowledging the OM at all. No emails, no texting, no talking about him. He is nothing. The OM is not a part of your marriage. Remember that.

[planet]

All those were past discussions many months back. I don't have specific translation of EA and I told her im hurting over this. What if this has happened to you i asked. She had no answer for me then. For someone who's really good at talking that sure shut her up.

I have not talked to her about anything else since moving out other than what I want about the kids. No more convincing. I have kept quiet about what I saw that she is anxious to keep me away from. I acted that I didn't care but I know for a fact, there's nothing I could do about that.

Things could have been simpler without OM. What do I even tell my girls when they grow up and starts to ask questions.

I am only for my kids. The other stuff I will let go. I only hope XW cooperates with me.

[planet]

Wonka.
I found it odd that D3 started telling me that she have 2 daddies. I asked who taught you that. I immediately corrected her and didn't think much of that. It's amazing kids will not say much when you question them.

Few weeks later, I found out the truth. I immediately demanded the girls not to call him that and there's only 1 papa and 1 daddy which is me. All that in front of XW. I have repeated that back to XW and she gave some silly excuse.

[labug]

Planet, you're right. You can't compel anyone to do anything.

I'd like you to respond to that long post I wrote without mentioning your XW. Tell me how you are going to proactively thrive in this situation.

It is possible.

Also you didn't answer this completely: Has your W ever put your kids in danger or done something inappropriate with them? You allowed her to make these decisions on her own before, why suddenly do you have to know about it? Is it because you're concerned about their welfare or you want to fight with W?

Answering these questions about motivations are where growth happens but you have to dig deep to get there and you can't blame others.

[PatientMan]

I am aware of not having any expectations. What do I say to her when she brings up my past faults. Something like I never check my kid's message book from school but I do now. She did say I have 'woken up' too late.

Admit that you were a poor father before and you are determined to not make the same mistakes. Thank her for "waking" you up. Tell her that even though things are difficult right now, you are appreciative that she made you a better father. The kids deserve that - they deserve you - and now they will have you.

Regarding the classes, try wording it in a way that makes you sound interested in the kids' lives and not that your approval is required. You can always go back to the line, "I was a poor father before, but I won't be making those same mistakes anymore."

Keep ramming the same points home when she questions you. Don't engage in the arguments/bickering/guilt trips. Smile...because you're better than that.

-PM

[PatientMan]

Has your W ever put your kids in danger or done something inappropriate with them?

Other than allowing a "friend" to become someone the kids call "Daddy" while immaturely creating as much friction as possible along her diligent journey to drive a wedge between a man and his children? I'm not being a smart ass - I DO see her side of the story, but it doesn't justify her actions as "right". Understandable, but still wrong and inappropriate.

IIRC, she has threatened to kill herself on more than one occasion as well as having extremely loud/angry/yelling emotional breakdowns with the children near or present.

-PM