Me 1 year on pt2.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks all. Just typical MIL questioning. I think the hard thing is that one of 180's was to not talk about me, therefore none of them know anything about what I am doing. They cannot handle it.

[TryingToDo180]

I bet that feels very satisfying That's one of the 180s that I need more practice at, lol.

[hotwheelsaust]

In a way TTD180, it is satisfying. But on the other hand, I miss not being able to talk about things that I would like to mention.

[TryingToDo180]

I know what you mean. Twice this weekend I wanted to tell H something, but I thought it was too trivial to ring him up about.

[hotwheelsaust]

I simply don't have anyone to talk to. I have issues at times, not just issues with the sitch, general day to day ones. It hurts to not talk to people about them. It hurts that I have to think what things I can say to my boys and what I cannot. I want to tell them how much I hurt with the sitch. But I know I cannot and should not. I want to know how much it hurts them, but I have to let them talk when they are ready.

[MrBond]

"I simply don't have anyone to talk to."

Why not? You could always also see a C or another confidante like a minister.

"I have issues at times, not just issues with the sitch, general day to day ones. It hurts to not talk to people about them."

So do it. Nothing's stopping you.

"It hurts that I have to think what things I can say to my boys and what I cannot. I want to tell them how much I hurt with the sitch. But I know I cannot and should not."

Why not? Your "kids" are 20 and 18. They're adults. Just air things out with them. I'm sure they have alot to say also.

"I want to know how much it hurts them, but I have to let them talk when they are ready."

No, you have to open the door to let them see it's okay to talk to you. They probably don't want to "take sides" with you and your W. It's alright. You can do it.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Mr Bond,
I am finding that the few people I have to talk to here (fellow teachers) don't keep anything to themselves. I simply cannot afford the C anymore and I have no minister I can talk to and feel good about it. The few people I have spoken to through the church seem to fall into the category of "I have heard enough of this sitch, move on"
Things I say or think seem to spread around, and I am not talking about rumours. Just stuff I will hear from someone and then wonder who talked about it. These are people I thought I could trust and who I would not talk about to others. It just seems so much easier to not talk personal anymore face to face. I have chats with my brother, which are great, but it is on the phone, which simply isn't as good.
I suppose I haven't spoken to the boys about my hurt, because previously I was told on this forum I shouldn't.
But I do understand if we do discuss things with about the sitch with my boys, it will open the door for them to talk also.

[TryingToDo180]

HWA, are the boys working or at college? Me and my son are starting to see a college mentor. I'm going to get free counselling and I'm hoping that my son is going to open up to the mentor as he won't open up to me.
Can you get counselling through work?
It will be a lot better when you move as I think you said you know more people over there. I would have a heart to heart as well with your boys when you move. Even if it's just to see what they think of the sitch.
I do talk to my son about the sitch, but I don't say too much in case he repeats it to his dad. I've told him that it's not his fault that we've split up and he says he knows. I remember when my parents split up, I thought it was my fault for years!

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, you hit the nail on the head, once back home it will allow me more chance to discuss or work through things with both the boys and other friends. GALing will also allow a lot of things to be fixed or not worried about.
A lot of things I say replying to MrBond for example is not "oh poor me" it is just simply trying to state what is affecting me at the moment.
I know I have some good people to speak to through the forum, but sometimes we just want someone there and then.

"I have issues at times, not just issues with the sitch, general day to day ones. It hurts to not talk to people about them."

So do it. Nothing's stopping you.

Ok, here goes. Last night my flatmate, the one I have to share with as the school owns the property, advised me if I don't leave the first day after school finishes, there will some physical problems. You get the drift. This is an arrogant flatmate that feels he does no wrong. Who doesn't like I have all the family furniture and belongings in the house. Who simply doesn't like a bookcase in the loungeroom. Who doesn't like all the garage stuff all stored in one storage room in the garage. Who owns a bed and a laptop, so isn't being stopped from having his belongings put someone else. He is quite comfortable using all my kitchen appliances (which I am ok with) but then whinges about the space they take up. Who feels it is his duty to complain about how dirty the house was when he moved in (it wasn't) and how dirty it still is, even though I vaccum, mop and wash up twice a day. While he doesn't. He was quite comfortable telling me everything that is wrong with me, what I do, how I behave. He told me how inconsiderate I am to a flatmate, I asked what I have been inconsiderate about, and it just seems to be my belongings taking up space and how I always have an answer that blames others (?). I simply cannot move my stuff anywhere else, without it costing a huge amount of money, that I don't have. I cannot sell the stuff as it is still going through the solicitors. And in all honesty, it is simply typical furnuture that belongs in a loungeroom, nothing else. I have 6 weeks left to simply put up with this. I stood my ground, I didn't whimper and let him just talk over me. But, he is a very big person (bodybuilder) someone who really is a bully. If I complain to the housing section or my principal at this stage, it will cause more issues. At the moment the easiest way is to simply agree, yes I will move asap (which I want to do anyway) and leave it as is. I want to talk to someone about this, but I have no one. Some of his comments he said, would have come from a teacher friend. So again, you wonder who you can simply talk to anymore.
On top of having to deal with my sitch for the last year, the losing of my family and friends, putting up with this SOB for the last year has been an absolute nightmare, when I get talked to like this. When you get told by the W all your issues and then have other people (flatmate) tell you how bad you are (in their mind) it is hard to be positive. It is hard to feel that you have or are improving. Sometimes it makes you feel you are not achieving anything positive. When you go through the last few months thinking that I am respecting my flatmate with regards to cleaning, noise, simply courtesies etc. Then getting told I am not, I just wonder what else do I need to do. Or do I just continue to think this is his problem?

Anyway as I said, 6 weeks and I don't have to deal with him and his issues anymore. But it is hard to come back from my son's 21st, knowing I wasn't part of the family that I used to be. Having the family act as though nothing is wrong. Feeling downbeat walking back from the airport to walk inside the house and cop this. To then think I have no one to simply sit down and discuss this with. That is what I mean when I say "I have no one to talk to".
I am just trying to get through this chapter in my life, It is one of those horrible nasty chapters.

[planet]

The few people I have spoken to through the church seem to fall into the category of "I have heard enough of this sitch, move on"

Yes. I understand how it feels. My best friend keeps telling me to forget my XW, giving me solutions and dismisses my wants and thoughts. Blames her too. All i wanted is someone to hear me out and certainly that person is not him.

My family is the best people to talk to. They understand what I want and actually hear me out. You may want to try this out with your sons. For all we know, your boys are probably hurting too and did not know how to reach out to you.

Moving On.
But when you are ready. You will be.
This may sound a bit hypocritical coming from me since i'm not there yet but I know 1 thing that keeps me going.
"I will be alright regardless".