PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[RosaLinda]

Just checking to see how you're holding up here Amba. I'm so sorry to see you spinning this way, it hurts us to see you hurting so, my friend. You asked:

"It is so confusing...On one hand I'm being told it isn't me, it is him and his MLC. On the other , It is about me, my behavior . On this board I am getting dual messages. If it isn't about me, then why change?"

I think what people are trying to tell you is that this affair is not about you, this OW is just a person, and probably a pretty needy skanky person at that, whom your H is using to try to make himself feel temporarily better. But it ain't gonna work, that is what Job was saying. Your H is broken inside, temporarily crazy, and is searching for a way to feel better about himself. But happiness does not come from outside us, we, your H, need to find happiness inside us.

You say that H is an adult, and that he made a choice here. Well you're right, but I try to look at my H as a temporarily crazy person, and not as an adult. Our MLCers are not thinking at full capacity. Their memories are shot, their morals are hidden under a bunch of lies they have told themselves about us to justify their actions. You cannot change him right now, you can just accept him as he is, accept that he loves you the best he can right now, and give him the time and space to work thru this horrible thing he is going thru.

But when the posters on the forum are telling you to change, they are saying to change the things YOU don't like about yourself. To look deep inside yourself and see how you might have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. If you can identify any issues, then fix them. But the changing is for you, not for him.

For example, you know that my H is sick, and has not been able to work for many years. I now realize that having me support him made him feel like less than a man Amba. It broke his spirit and left him with no self esteem. I always respected him and loved him with all my heart but I did not show him. And so he has turned elsewhere for validation as a man, and boy was he able to find plenty of EAs and PAs willing to tell him how wonderful he was. I will regret this until my dying day and am hoping for a chance to make it up to him someday. I am not saying you did anything as rotten as that, but if anyone had ever asked me what I had contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, I would have scoffed and said it was all him going nuts. But after looking inside me I can see that a lot of it was me. Do you know what I mean?

When Bond tells you to "Stick to actual facts and not what fantasies you are coming up with on your own" he's right. I do this too. With every single new EA I thought "this is it, he is really in love with this one, this time my M is over" but it never was. After 4 long years, my H is still living it up in replay land. Don't make things worse than they actually are, Amba.

You have been at this for many long months, and know the ins and outs of DBing and MLC. I am sorry that you had to learn about this OW. But please know Amba, that OW is just part of your H's journey thru his MLC. Hang in there Amba, you CAN do this.