PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

I feel like such a fool.

I was feeling horrible, that I should have been a better wife. But I was accepting and appreciative.

I was pursued by an old high school boyfriend.

What did I do? Was open about it, shared it . Took all temptation and any possible means of deception and told my whole family.

I told him to talk to his wife, share with her. I told him to stop e-mailing me or I'd tell his boss.

He is so screwed up, and what am I? What kind of person is so desperate to be accepted by someone who behaves this way?

I am feeling like I let my daughters down. That this is their father....eeeeew!

I have shared this with only one friend. One who has known me for over twenty years. Knows my husband.

She thought I was very patient with my husband. The traveling , the golf. Her words " you never complained about him" " He was never around "

Why am I putting myself through this? What for maybe another ten years, and then as his health declines, I get to nurse him. We have no retirement. No assets, house is underwater, he is not here now. So why am I standing?

What is the point? What does this really say to my girls? That mom is holding on to someone who has no respect for his marriage, no respect for himself, and no respect for our family?

That he is willing to get a stripper for a bachelor party at our home when I and the girls were up in New England. He brought a prostitute into the family home for entertainment!

Ten years ago, he used a prostitute at the most trying time in our marriage. Oldest daughter was plummeting and desperately needed help, husband was downsized and we needed to sell home of 15 years. I was exhausted, and trying to support my husband's decision to try and start up a business. I was trying to be the sexy wife. Come to find out he was using a whore! He lied about it for TEN YEARS.

At one of the two counseling sessions he "admitted" it. I knew, I asked him over the years did he ever want to share about it, did he ever cheat? He lied for ten fing years!

Now this? I'm so destroyed. I ache so deeply that I can't take this anymore. I want it to be over. The mess, the sleaze. I don't even know what normal is!

I feel filthy, that I misjudged a person so much. Who am I?

Why would I attract such a deviant individual? How can someone who fathers two beautiful girls be this split? He knows this is wrong, yet he wants both worlds.

I don't want him near my girls, I don't want this to touch them. My first born has enough issues. My second is 21 and still a virgin. She is so sensitive and mature, caring and intelligent.

What has he done to all of the people he has touched? How twisted is this? How can anyone heal? For to heal there has to be trust, and without trust there is an ulcer oozing with the infection of deceit.