It took a lot of work to get where I am and am going. As UR says, if you do the work, you will never regret it. This is so true.
Some interesting things in my sitch, but nothing to conclude, lol.
W is thinking about not going to IC anymore after her "huge" session...I wonder why...was the "huge" session "the core issue" and now on it's way to being resolved and she feels she can do her work on her own now? Or is it like all the years past, stops after a while because she doesn't want to do the work, for whatever reason, fear, etc? I don't know, I haven't asked yet. I am thinking about asking, because "showing effort" is an important "want" I have in order to continue. I'm sitting on that idea for a while, see what other things I can observe to find evidence of "effort".
On the other hand, we handed out Halloween candy together, and worked on the final decorations, candy procurement, etc as a team. W talked the whole time about her work, various other everyday things, I was the usual encouraging, no-fixit, validating...I even got to talk about some stuff! lol. In all, it was very good, pretty natural, at ease. Like two good friends.
She has started asking me about my day, is more communicative about herself, mood and whereabouts.
She still hasn't come back to the MBR, and still has her work clothes and such in boxes in the hall and in her huge 'work bag" with her food, snacks, etc. It's kinda like Raine's H's suitcases still packed in the guest room, so funny....but hey, she's a big girl, perfectly capable of making her own choices.
I am speculating that returning to the MBR, and/or being more touchy/huggy is a resistance point...if she does that, it would signal to me and the boys her intent. So in order to not get anyone's hopes up, ESPECIALLY the boys', she isn't going to do it until she is sure she can recommit. That's my theory, anyway. I'll use that until better evidence comes to light.
She is continuing reconnecting with the boys, especially her "buddy", the middle one. Taking more interest in the house, in the everyday life things, but gets tired and overwhelmed easily still. She has a lot going on, working for the first time in many years, all her issues, climbing out of the tunnel, and she has opened up some more, so I can say that she is trying to figure how she got where she is, the causes of this effect. So there is work being done. I always thank her for sharing, that it is helpful to me, and I hope her.
So, still in limbo, but my gut/intuition is still saying it might work out, there is a good probability of R. We'll see.
Otherwise, I am doing pretty darn good overall...sooo busy with work and the new expansion. And fall cleanup, and all the everyday things like homework, doctors visits, etc.
I have let her replay activities go, I am done with them, gone, whatever. And at peace. I even drop by PA OM's fb and his wife's, see how they are doing...I can tell he got busted from her fb postings...lots of stuff like LBS' and newly D people post. And they had their baby, so I reckon he is rather busy. I just look at what they share publically, haven't tried to friend them or anything like that, lol! Though the thought did cross my mind, just to mess with him, but it was a passing childish whim...better to leave dead dogs lying (HA!). If W is still dipping her toes in replay stuff, it is minimal, and my gut isn't bothered, so letting her find her own way out of that addiction. I could be totally wrong, and maybe my gut is broken (not likely), but if so, then I know what I will do, no questions.
Aside from my own internal self-validation and self-esteem, I have had enough outside validation from here, work, business meetings, etc, to know I will be just fine. That I am just fine. When Spring rolls around again, I will be planting a new garden, with work, with life in general, including a relationship, hopefully it'll be W. If not, that's okay too...love, want, but no "need" any longer. I have to remind myself to thank her for teaching me that I don't "need" her someday. She has freed me from "need". I truly am grateful to her for that.
But damn, I love and want her though!
Anyway, that's about it in my sitch.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
