wife hardens heart-5

[planet]

They are recreational classes to which I can't afford right now. I have agreed to share the cost for next year's preschool entrance fees a couple of weeks ago. XW knew how much I make and yet thinks I could cough up extras.

We agreed on an alimony to be paid to her every month. I would say it's enough to cover the kids monthly preschool fees and food expenses. Could even save up some.

XW makes more money than I do but I think she over stretches her finances.

I wasn't much of an involved father before BD. I have been making changes for 5-6 months and are actively involved in my kids activities. She even commended me previously. Right now, I would like to know some info on the classes she signed my girls up. I would like to check the place out. She's unreasonably resisting giving any info. Cutting the nose to spite the face, she doesn't want to sent the girls to the art class now since I can't pay half of it.

I just want XW to share and talk about my kid's 'going-ons'. It's not unreasonable. XW snipes at everything I say and strings me around unrelated stuff. Blames. Past hurts.
It's really frustrating. It takes tremendous amount of patience not to walk over to XW and ring her neck.

D4 is more important now. She doesn't want to go out with me. I just want to spend some quality father-daughter time with my kids.

[MrBond]

"and food expenses."

Why are you paying for her food? You should just pay for the food that you give them when they are with you.

[planet]

The agreed alimony is enough to cover monthly expenses for the kids however XW chooses to spend it on.

[MrBond]

"however XW chooses to spend it on."

And here you are...broke...W not letting you know how the children (YOUR children) are raised, etc.

When are you going to put your foot down?

[planet]

I asked for answers. I told her to inform me when the kids are sick. I told her I wanted to know about my kids extra classes.

I got stupid and childish arguments instead. She may or may not agree but I already told her my intentions, my foot down so to speak.

Whatever she's going to do is really up to her and I can't control her. What else can I do to compel her to comply?

[labug]

Do you and W have a legal ruling on custody, alimony and child support? Here in the US alimony and child support are 2 different things, not usually lumped together. If she only gets alimony, and that's what it's called, you really have no say in how she spends it.

I have agreed to share the cost for next year's preschool entrance fees a couple of weeks ago. XW knew how much I make and yet thinks I could cough up extras.

She can think what she wants, if you don't have the money, you don't have the money.

I wasn't much of an involved father before BD. I have been making changes for 5-6 months and are actively involved in my kids activities. She even commended me previously. Right now, I would like to know some info on the classes she signed my girls up. I would like to check the place out. She's unreasonably resisting giving any info. Cutting the nose to spite the face, she doesn't want to sent the girls to the art class now since I can't pay half of it.

I don't know if your W is resisting. What do you call resisting?

I went back and read some of your early threads, where you talk about your married life. Do you see now where W might not be so excited about your sudden change of heart and becoming a family man? I'm not saying she's right but 5-6 months of change isn't going to suddenly improve your position in her eyes after she was doing it all since the Ds were born. Patience and consistent behavior is what it's going to take if you want a good coparenting R with her. Your D's deserve that.

What kind info do you need about the classes? Do you think the classes will be inappropriate? What would be your basis for interfering in them attending the classes?

You are angry, I can feel the emotion through your writing all the way over here in the southwestern US. How are you dealing with that?

And who are you really angry with?

If I can feel that emotion over all that distance, think how your D's must feel, kids pick up on our emotions, sometimes even before we do. Go easy, get control of your emotions.

I just want XW to share and talk about my kid's 'going-ons'. It's not unreasonable. XW snipes at everything I say and strings me around unrelated stuff. Blames. Past hurts.
It's really frustrating. It takes tremendous amount of patience not to walk over to XW and ring her neck.

She may never share and "talk about" your kids goings-on, I think that ship has sailed for her. Can you expect her to share reasonable things, you should have no expectations. And again, I don't know your definition of reasonable.

You're both reacting based on your emotions, not what's best for your Ds.

How can you change that? It does take only one person to change to change the dynamics of a R.

[planet]

It is alimony. She will spend it as she pleases.

I am not angry. I definitely don't hate her. It's currently the other way around. It is just frustration. I really don't understand why she refuses to coparent. We have talked about this months ago and she's renegading on her promise. Its what's best for the kids if we are at peace with each other or should I say she's at peace with herself.

I just want to be involved in my kid's life. I can't be in the dark. Regarding the classes, I don't think it is inappropriate but I would appreciate some info as to where the classes are and what do they do over there. I would like to see for myself even if I couldn't pay for it. That, I believe is reasonable. Her reason is if I wouldn't pay for it then I shouldn't know about it.

I do not wish to argue with her. XW is on a mission to pick a fight with constant sniping and rudeness. Arguing for the sake of arguing.

I am aware of not having any expectations. What do I say to her when she brings up my past faults. Something like I never check my kid's message book from school but I do now. She did say I have 'woken up' too late.

She's in a new relationship with OM. I know that now for sure. She may not want to see my changes in a positive light at all.

[labug]

It is alimony. She will spend it as she pleases.

You aren't paying child support at all?

I am not angry.

I''d revisit this if I were you. Be honest, there's nothing wrong with being angry unless you deny it and react from it and hurt other people. We're usually angry because we've been hurt in some way. Are you hurting?

I definitely don't hate her. It's currently the other way around.

That's mind reading and so what if she does? You can only worry about you and your emotions. Hers are hers.

I really don't understand why she refuses to coparent.

This is a little mind-reading on my part but it's most likely because you didn't coparent when you were married. The only way you can improve on something is to understand your actions and the fallout from that.

We have talked about this months ago and she's renegading on her promise. Its what's best for the kids if we are at peace with each other or should I say she's at peace with herself.

You need to be at peace too and you aren't yet. As I said, if I can feel the anger this far away it must be very evident to those in your immediate circle. Back away and work on getting in control or your emotions and she may eventually come around, again it won't happen overnight.

I just want to be involved in my kid's life. I can't be in the dark. Regarding the classes, I don't think it is inappropriate but I would appreciate some info as to where the classes are and what do they do over there. I would like to see for myself even if I couldn't pay for it. That, I believe is reasonable. Her reason is if I wouldn't pay for it then I shouldn't know about it.

Has your W ever put your kids in danger or done something inappropriate with them? You allowed her to make these decisions on her own before, why suddenly to you have to know about it? Is it because you're concerned about their welfare or you want to fight with W?

State your request again in a calm manner maybe even acknowledging that you were uninvolved but are working to become more involved. If she complies, she complies. If not you just keep being the new even-keeled, thoughtful, involved Planet and maybe someday, when the emotion of all this has died down she willbe able to coparent peacefully with you. You have to be the change you want to see in the world (thank you, ghandi)

I do not wish to argue with her. XW is on a mission to pick a fight with constant sniping and rudeness. Arguing for the sake of arguing.

Did she say this to you? Otherwise you don't know that. Let it go, you can be who you want to be regardless of what others say or do.

I am aware of not having any expectations. What do I say to her when she brings up my past faults. Something like I never check my kid's message book from school but I do now. She did say I have 'woken up' too late.

You agree but include that you are working at improving. You can tell her you've apologized in the past and that you won't continue to apologize but you will continue to improve.

She's in a new relationship with OM. I know that now for sure. She may not want to see my changes in a positive light at all.

Again, stop the self-defeating talk, you don't know that.

You are so reactive right now you can't see straight. Walk away for awhile, work on you. Enjoy your Ds.

[planet]

We agreed on a sum and that was it. Legally it should be child support. Then again I didn't specifically read the word alimony in the agreement.

Angry at who? XW? I am frustrated and upset over her decisions and actions lately. Yes I am hurting.
Can you imagine speaking to someone over your concerns and the only thing that comes out are blames, snide remarks, guilt tripping, past history and very little on the subject on hand?

It was one of my earliest 180 that I wanted to do. Be an involved and loving father. I have no hidden agenda. I'm not doing this to win back XW. I realized that kids needs their fathers love and XW didn't seem to acknowledge that. Ages 5-8 is very critical years in character building that involves fatherly guidance.
It is very difficult for me not to be there in my house to protect my kids and XW. I don't know if moving away is the right thing to do anymore. It may have helped push XW into OM's arms. That guy is a step up and is good to my kids. There is no reason to look to me anymore.

I have always requested things in a calm and polite manner. She immediately jumps into a fit.
Ex.
Me: I got something to talk to you.
XW: I got nothing to say to you.
Me: It's about D3.
XW: (keeps quiet and looked the other way)
Me: Can you let me know if D3 is sick...
XW: (cuts me off) for what? You wanted me to wait for you so you could drive D3 to the hospital. You just wanted me to report to you.
Me: that's not what I meant.
XW: you didn't care when D4 had high fever. (That's this ONE time that I feel she could have called me but instead texted me that I got angry. I wasn't very alert with my mobile and I don't take it everywhere while I worked)
....went on blaming my family for hurting her.

Can you imagine the frustrations when speaking to her. She jumps into conclusion and immediately blames and guilt trip. Nothing related to the subject on hand. I only wanted to be kept in the loop on my kids health issues. The above is one of many requests I put out that results in the same thing over and over.

The only thing that I wanted to talk to her about is of the kids and nothing else. She continually to harp on every single thing that I did wrong but refuses to acknowledge the many times I did right.

I have stated my mission statement to her. I told her I'm doing things to improve myself and it's for myself. I have repeated this many times when she questioned my changes. There is one time she said why I didn't do this for her. I replied I only require a chance but you are not willing to give it and walked away.

You see? She's trying very hard to convince herself I'm a bad father and husband. Not all the times are bad and I have certainly did many things right. I have stop blaming everything on myself over the failure of my marriage.
This maybe mind reading but every clue points to the fact that she's justifying her decision to be with OM.
She is in a romantic relationship with OM. I have accepted that. The emails. The lowered tone on the phone when I'm around. His always around on weekends. My kids calling OM daddy and she's having no problem with that. He does grocery for her. Having lunch and dinner together at home. I saw her fiddling his bowl of noddles tonight. He does her presentations for her. He carries her things for her. Normally we would do those things together. She's not looking back because OM did everything she wanted.
She don't need me at all...financially, emotionally and basically everything else. He's what XW wanted in a man.
Probably she's acting the way she does right now is to justify that.

[Wonka]

My kids calling OM daddy and she's having no problem with that.

You might want to say something about that, Planet.

My mother was a WAS who engaged in an affair and married her OM. Shortly after my parents' divorce, they married fairly quickly. One day, I was over at my mother's to play with my sisters and somehow got to calling the OM "Daddy." When my own father heard that, he went ballistic and marched right to my mother's house to give her a piece of his mind on that matter. He told her in no uncertain terms that I was not to call the OM "Daddy" as he is my ONE AND ONLY Daddy. Apparently after that confrontation I never called the OM 'Daddy' ever again and called him by his name.

Kudos to my father for putting his foot down!

I was about 3 at that time and their marriage didn't last long at all. Probably 2 years.

This is something you might want to think about.