Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
I know I went on and on about sexual attraction between us when I was plummeting the other day. I am curious. When they state they don't feel that way towards you, what sends those feelings back for them? As a woman, mine came and went with, stress, hurt, and mostly hormones.
The stress isn't going away anytime soon, meaning finances, so am I to expect his desire for ME to stay gone? He does still masturbate, so according to him it all still works. Or does he keep telling me that he doesn't have desire, yet checks me out (covertly) mean something I'm not getting? Is he telling me this because he doesn't want me to initiate something? Or is he telling me this because he WANTS me to initiate something. One of his bugaboos was not initiating.

SO confusing.


Hi Amb...I have been following your thread as a silent cheerleader! laugh You're doing awesome with DBing your MLCer.

I would like to chime in with my perspective on the above matter of sexual attraction, masturbation, and initiating ML?

As a former MLCer, I can offer some insights and perspective on sexual feelings. When we perceive our spouses as the "problem" in the M, our sexual feelings take a nose dive for the following reasons: 1) The fog is heavy in our heads which does this 2) Numbs our emotions and has this effect 3) Sexual feelings for the spouse is almost nil. Why would we feel sexual toward someone who is the "main problem" in the marriage? We do not have the warm and fuzzy feelings for him/her. That results in a drastic tampering off of "love feelings" and deposits in the love bank are very much in the overdraft.

I'd like to address the masturbation issue as it relates to men. For men, they are highly sexual creatures due to the high levels of testosterone so they act out their internal fantasy and self-pleasure. In answer to your question about why H is telling you this and all of the attendant questions, the simple and short answer is that H is NOT ready for sexual intimacy with you. He's not going there yet he has his own needs that needs to be fulfilled, if you will.

In other words, it is NOT about you. Please don't take this personally. Even before you two can reach that level of intimacy, the best thing at the moment is non-sexual touches to build up trust again and get those "love" feelings back. It will take some more time before you two are able to initiate these types of sexual overtures.

To me, it appears that the fog is starting to lift from H as he's starting to notice you in a different way as a sexual person which is why he's giving you the "eye candy" look. smile Also I suspect that he's flummoxed by these feelings that are starting to crop up after all the time of feeling numb for so long. Treat him as a confused male teenager who is discovering those "crazy hormones!"

Hope this helps! cool