WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

[Ambivalent]

RL,

" Who knows what? " will not happen for a long time. No starry eyed expectations there. This is where I hurt him deeply <:C

I'm just trying to show him he can trust me, and that I'm not wanting or needing something from him. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words!



H. wanting the use of the SUV was a Godsend, for it allowed me to be magnanimous and interested in his activity. Going on the hike in the woods, tracking deer and seeing where they bed down was so awesome.

I really enjoyed it and I could tell HE enjoyed that I enjoyed it. Sorry if that sounded so silly!

He needs much stroking right now, assurances that I can be happy with HIM! That I accept who HE is. So much Venusion/Martian speak was misinterpreted in our "former" marriage! It came to me today how after I cooked the dinner, he had to ask if I still liked the stove he purchased for me over five years ago!

It is a Viking and it was a way of saying " I love you " in Martian speak. Funny how he still needs to hear my appreciation.

Another interesting tid-bit . He JUST noticed that I painted one of the kitchen cabinets! I painted it February 28. Three months before BD. He actually said :

" WOW you painted the cabinet ! " I just replied :

" Yes I did! "

Now it isn't like one could overlook it, it is RED! He must have been SO into his head that he saw nothing. I guess the noticing it means he's getting more comfortable in the house again?

I know I went on and on about sexual attraction between us when I was plummeting the other day. I am curious. When they state they don't feel that way towards you, what sends those feelings back for them? As a woman, mine came and went with, stress, hurt, and mostly hormones.
The stress isn't going away anytime soon, meaning finances, so am I to expect his desire for ME to stay gone? He does still masturbate, so according to him it all still works. Or does he keep telling me that he doesn't have desire, yet checks me out (covertly) mean something I'm not getting? Is he telling me this because he doesn't want me to initiate something? Or is he telling me this because he WANTS me to initiate something. One of his bugaboos was not initiating.

SO confusing.

Being able to go on the hike, having dinner, and doing the hunting breaky this morning made me realize something.

ASK before I do, then listen to the answer, heed it.
It speaks volumes to another person. They hear:

She cares enough to ask.
She cares enough to do.
I'm important.

I believe I was pretty immature in many ways. Stunted in a sort of younger relational manner. I was 19 when we started to date. I had completely lost myself in another boy, and vowed not to do that to myself again.
I was completely myself with my H. I figured if he didn't like me for who I was then so be it. I didn't let that go when we took our vows, I did not become a "we". He did, I fought it. I bought into the 70's women don't need a man, don't give up your identity...yadda yadda
yadda!

@@ < eye roll

There IS a huge difference between men and women, it needs to be embraced as well as appreciated. Men need to feel secure in their masculinity and women need to stop emasculating men to feel like they are accomplished or equal.

I'm growing , thank you God for giving me this horrible no good very bad year. For I would not have learned this humbling lesson of humility.
Thank you for giving me three days to rise and learn. I'm trying my best and I hope you see that I'm listening
Love,
Me