Hi all, here are the latest: the little one is latching, thank goodness, because I pumped for a year with the other one. Never again. He is an adorable bundle of joy.
H comes with me to NICU to visit him quite often. We both feel like we completely forgot how to hold a newborn.
I'm in every pain medication one can think of and swollen like a balloon. I keep thinking I wish H didn't see me in such a vulnerable and ugly state, because of the whole "I only see you as a sister" issue.
I know it's strange, and maybe this is the only place I can talk about this, but every time I do sleep (and it's been a few hours here and there since Tuesday), I dream of H leaving me and saying he never loved me.
Then I wake up and see him laying on the couch of the hospital and crave his touch or some nice, loving words. It's all so strange that it makes me want to cry.
The other day, he freaked out while holding S0 because he started choking again. I took the baby in my arms and he stopped. H cried all the way from the NICU to our room. I hugged him and said everything would be ok.
Yesterday or the day before a social worker came to talk with us. I don't know how she found out, but she wanted to see how I'm doing with post parfumerie depression and then suddenly she turned to H and asked how he is doing with ptsd and how we are working on our differences. H said we still have to keep going to counseling, so I'm assuming he still wants to stay.
My brother talked with h about our situation and hasn't told me yet what they talked about, but said H told him he would take care of us. What it means, I don't know?
