Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I'm not my H so I don't really know what's in his heart. But from the way he acts, and occasional things he says, I feel this song when he thinks of me:
You're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine And I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you You're my best friend
I've been wandering round But I still come back to you In rain or shine You've stood by me girl I'm happy, happy at home You're my best friend.
You're the first one When things turn out bad You know I'll never be lonely You're my only one And I love The things that you do You're my best friend
I'm happy, happy at home You're my best friend
And a double thought on You're My Best Friend is for me. I've been reading on these threads and thinking a lot. I have a hard time not thinking about things H has done during MLC. There are plenty of questions I'd like to ask: How far did you go with cookout girl?, for example.
And sometimes I just think negative things. It's not like the opposite sex in a M is totally understandable as it is! And then add 5 years MLC! So hard to understand sometimes.
So my current goal is...when I start to think negative thoughts about my H, I'm going to replace them with thoughts in the vein of "You're my best friend". We aren't enemies in a war. We are partners, parents, lovers, friends and confidants. He is really my best friend. I need to treat him that way!
I decided to stay on Midlife Crisis for one more thread. Besides, there are so many interesting discussions going on right now!
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I did talk to H last night before bed. We haven't been seeing the MC as we used so much C this year that it would be better to wait for the next calendar year, due to insurance.
I know H & I have issues to discuss from time to time and I want to be able to talk them out if we can.
I started the convo by saying, H, if I have an issue to discuss with you, how would you like me to bring it up?
This approach worked really well. We talked about the state of our R lately. He is very sensitive about Saturday night.
I was so glad I read the posts here (GALb's about tough love really stuck in my mind) beforehand.
After some discussion about how he acted Saturday night and how I felt hurt by some of it, he said, I wasn't there. (mentally) It was your responsibility.
So, instead of reacting, or being defensive, or blaming, I was able to continue cuddling with him and said, what does that mean to you? How do you see that as my responsibility?
I didn't really know he thought that. We discussed ways for me to handle the situation if it comes up again. He doesn't ever want to be that drunk again. And he hardly drank any this week.
That is so interesting, to me, that he would place the responsibility for him, onto me, as if I was his mother! The very thing in MLC he detested!
But tonight, we will be going to an group event with many of his friends. About half I have met and several girls I have not met.
We won't have been together in a large group such as that since the cookout this summer at cookout girl's house. H & I have continued to mature in our M and R and it will be interesting to see how he acts!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, I was living through the while story like it was happening to me when was reading your update. This is so much like my H in soooo many ways. You said “H has some mixed up thinking about life, and overestimates the value of entertainment.” This applies to my H as well.
Its so strange how our H's can be so alike and we don't even know each other!
And he does the same with alcohol. I cannot call him an alcoholic, because he can go without drinking (or used to, I just don’t know any more) for a few days, but then get very drunk one night. I remember how I felt when he was making inappropriate jokes and flirting with women when he was “having fun”.
That hurts!
I can only imagine what he is doing now when he considers himself a single man. I’ve heard some stories from our mutual friends.
Try your best not to think about it! He won't even remember the details later.
Oh yeah, and he is also very selfish, especially now.
So are children. It's just a phase.
I don’t know if I can give you any advice on whether to bring it up or not. But, I would ask about the pictures on his phone. If he could brag about it to a female friend, he should share it with you.
I actually did ask him! He looked at me shocked! He said for one thing, there are pics of ME on it! Oh yeah. I had forgotten we used to send each other pics all the time. I understood.
If the conversion about that night will come again, maybe you should tell him how uncomfortable you were and ask him what both of you should do about it in the future if it happens again. I’m afraid that asking you to control his drinking and suggest water instead of a drink is not going to work. You cannot reason with a drunk person. He needs to learn how to control it himself.
We did discuss all this. There was a point when, looking back on the evening, I should've suggested we leave. He would've gone. He isn't a mean drunk. He doesn't want this to happen again.
To me it looks like he briefly slept into a replay activity. Maybe he is not completely finished with the process. Maybe some vets can elaborate on this.
This thought helped me a lot. Helped me to see it for what it is. Like job said, he's not totally finished baking. Not that he should have license for disrespecting me but what he did was only very borderline. And he was sorry.
And...I will stay strong through this...thank you!!
Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
Hi rH. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's upsetting that your H is still occasionally dabbling with replay, and overdoing things. But rH, thank God you two are back into that place of love and trust where you can discuss these things, and not have to STFU like the majority of us.
It truly is amazing isn't it? I can call him on his behavior and expect him to be responsible.
You'll work it out. Love conquers all How did you decide to handle bringing it up at the counselor? Will you ask H first, or just spring it?
We're sorta outta money for the MC (see my post) so I did bring it up to him myself. But in my best loving way. Not critical, judgmental, or defensive at all.
Originally Posted By: GALbaby
My faithful friend!
When I read your post I was thinking about how us DB'ers learn not to fix our H's problems, or act like their mothers, or control them and back off.
My thoughts precisely!
So now your H wants you to "take care of him" and "watch over him" so he doesn't mess up. I agree that his drinking could turn into a problem if not addressed, and you should find the appropriate time to talk about it, but I don't think you should take "responsibility" for it.
Funny, that he wants me to take care of him in this way!
He needs to feel guilt when he has done something immature and maybe it will take a few times of feeling embarrassed before he can learn to control himself. He has to admit he has the problem, before he will address it. If he expects you to "control" it, that could backfire for you.
I would tell him you will make sure he gets home safely, but that is all. If he decides to drink himself stupid, he lives with the result. I would also let him know that you are affected and embarrassed by it but you won't MAKE him do anything such as drink a glass of water between drinks. I am an advocate for tough love.
It was obvious I couldn't make him do anything. But if I'm driving I can say when we leave. And if I'm not having a good time (embarrassed by him, I will leave). One of the things he did by himself was very embarrassing for him. It didn't involve anyone else. I was glad for him he was dressed in costume. I would never go back to that club if I were him, but thankfully I'm not him
Originally Posted By: complicated
RH I think I would bring up these things in counseling. My h was drinking a lot and finally he got to a point that he realized he needed to stop. I think the counselor said some things to him that finally sunk in but it took a while. He has slowed down a bunch but still drinks some. I'm not in good graces with h so I couldn't really say much but I did say that it worried me especially if he got into a car.
The driving worries me a lot too.
I agree with job about him being a social drinker but you don't want it to progress into something more. Coming from someone else will be so much better than coming from you though. Not only that with alcohol being a depressant it seems to magnify the effects with people in mlc.
Since last December my H gets anxiety attacks the next day when he drinks too much. He didn't have one this last time, but I think it's b/c I was there for him the whole time.
This is just a small bump in the road. You are getting further and further along this tough mlc road and you are doing so great.
Thank you for being with me along the way . I'm amazed that my M is still standing and that H and I are as close as we are. It seems unbelievable!
Keep being patient, keep enjoying!
Ah yes! Patience, patience and more patience! And I'm doing plenty of enjoying too, thanks
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I think in a tight M we do and should take some responsibility for each other... nothing wrong with this. It's one of the great perks of being a team! So, as long as you feel comfortable being the responsible one at the party right now, go with it.
Since he regrets his poor behavior, he's likely to try hard to improve... with your help!
If his drinking continues to spin out of control you can always change things up at that time. I know you would never want to enable.
A man leaves his mother and clings to his wife...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks Forever Young, I always appreciate your perspective.
And, yes, he is trying very hard to improve. I think I can look at it as me supporting him, but not the drinking. And I know we all make mistakes at times.
Our younger son turned 14 this week and my parents sent him a book. When he opened the wrapping paper I was stunned to see the title, Forever Young! I'm sure my face must've registered shock! It's a biography of an astronaut. Thought that was kinda neat.
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I wanted to journal about last night, as I can't talk about the details with my H.
We went to the monthly event in the city. It was at a beautiful marina and there were probably 50 people there, most of whom H knew, and a small group that were his regular drinking partners when he was out in replay.
He left me right away to get us some wine and left me with his female colleague who told me the woes about her H. Sigh.
But the evening went very well, overall.
I met some new people and H always introduced me as his W, rH. I know how to get along at a party....just don't talk about myself and ask other people about their interests so it went smoothly.
There were three interesting encounters I wanted to share.
First, was there is this pretty girl who still has me blocked on FB. She came up to say hello and hugged me and all, with H there. We were all talking together and she mentioned that last time she and H (the two of us, she said) came to the marina, thus and thus happened. So she wanted to be sure and let me know they were together. How interesting....yawn.
Secondly, a most interesting encounter, which, fortunately I was expecting. The girl I am almost sure H had an EA with was there. She came up to us, and H said, K_____, this is my W, rH.. This girl looked at me from head to toe. 'Course i am almost a foot taller than she. She had a most interesting expression on her face.
She had the most beautiful hair and a wine glass that said sexy lady in big letters. Of course the guys around us commented on her glass and she moved her hips in a sexy, seductive way and said I'm feelin' it tonight. and looked directly at H. Then she gave me that funny look again.
H told me the details of when she tried to snag him and I feel confident he was telling the truth. H told me later he caught her examining me again visually from head to toe when I wasn't looking. And I had that kind of "someone's looking at me" feeling from her often. I found this quite entertaining.
Thirdly, cookout girl really was very curt with us when she saw us. Then as soon as H wasn't with me she was talking to him. I came up to the two of them, and you could tell that she would've been happier if I didn't show up! She obviously is somewhat socially inept. She also tried to insert a private joke between the two of them, that was a twist on what I had just said. I asked H about it later and he said he didn't know what she was talking about. I remember this from her before. She wanted me to know they share things I don't know about.
At one point during the party, a girl came around and said "time for pictures". Just H's drinking group seemed to disappear and his female work colleague followed. I decided that if H didn't invite me I wasn't gonna "tag along". So I stayed in the main group in the club.
Seconds later a man showed up that I had spoken to at the cookout last summer and also last event I went to. He works for the same Federal Agency that H works for and we get along very well. H was gone a long time so I talked to him a long time. Later H says, I saw you talked to so-and-so guy a long time.. I said, yes, he feels comfortable around me.
I found this interesting b/c there is obviously a shortage of guys at this event and a surplus of girls. So H was constantly talking to girls.
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After this H and his two main drinking buddies and I went to an arts district in the city and went to a live jazz band outside a restaurant with beautiful artsy heaters to keep us warm.
I can tell the two buddies accept me very well. They were super comfortable around me. It was crowded so H asked me to sit on his lap the whole time, which I did!
While we were in the car, H asked me if I was interested in driving the fall foliage tour in our state and staying overnight in a hotel tonight, then coming back Sunday. I said, that sounds great! He seemed a bit timid to ask.
He drank very little, relatively, and talked with his friends about his new resolve to not drink as much, and how he would accomplish that.
So....I think the night was a resounding success.
Sorry such a long post, but I think that journaling the events with these girls here, is better than going over them with H, lol!
I felt confident and good. I've dropped a couple pounds, am at a good weight for me, and dropped 1% body fat from my workouts.
I could tell I had an identity of my own, not just H's W when one of the ladies heard i went to this event alone last month without H.
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Oh one more musing....when H and I were talking to cookout girl's brother, he mentioned that when he first met H, thus-and-thus was happening in H's life. This had to be summer of 2011, and this man said "over two years ago" so I knew I was right. This threw me a bit b/c it didn't fit in with my MLC timeline. I couldn't figure out how or why or when he would've met this man at that time.
Again, I think there is so much more going on during replay and MLC then we realize. I can't say anything about it to H. It's history.
It's so weird being with these people that I saw pics of H with on FB, heard stories, imagined things, etc. Now I am right there.
It's the MC's dream come true for us. My H has integrated his two lives. I just have to tell you it is so hard for me to act happy and normal. His R's with these people caused me so much pain! Yet, here I am reconciled with him. And he is doing the right thing by keeping these friendships and including me. Such a weird place to be.
But he still had his arm around me while at the party. Very affectionate. Although I would say he was much more so after we left the main group.
When I knew I had arrived with acceptance with second drinking buddy, was when we were driving him back to his car. He was in the back seat and I turned an oldies station on the radio. He started singing the lyrics loudly from the back seat and he had very little alcohol to drink. So then the three of us were all singing a James Taylor song together. I thought it was a nice way to end the evening
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Oh my! I sure wish I could've seen the look on your face when you seen the title of sons book! I've always been a space freak and used to build and fly model rockets.
Regarding the party girls: Wow... girls sure can be catty! I don't know how you all deal with that crap. I'm sure glad us guys don't operate that way. Kudos to you for remaining cool and confident and handling yourself so well.
I'm so happy to hear H kept his drinking in check AND talked to his buddies about his new resolve!
Also that H is being so affectionate with you in public. How sweet it is to be loved by you. (was I right?) There are many great JT songs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I get why the MC may feel the integration is a success, but between you and I and the thousands that read this ...heh heh heh
I hope he eventually dumps them and forms new healthier relationships with you as a couple. His drinking habits and the people ( women ) seem to me as a bunch of losers. Yes that was harsh, but from the reading, and the age , it seems as if you two would be best served with some new acquaintances.
Good for you with the acting "as if" at these functions. Hopefully they will become fewer and further apart. Are there any new sports or activities you both could do with a couples meet-up group?
You give me hope...hang in there. OOOO's
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Hi, just dropped by to catch up a bit. Sorry to hear that H's drinking is still a fly in the ointment or perhaps an even larger flying insect. Anxiety the day after drinking heavily isn't uncommon especially in people who suffer from anxiety-like those who feel they need alcohol to deal with their social anxiety. It's a dog that chases its tail.
I'm hopeful the 2 of you can work through this or you can work through it as need be.
Best of luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for the update rH! I always love to read about any small challenges you still face, and how you "man" up to them (woman up to them?) and OVERCOME every time with your love, acceptance, poise and fabulous personality. Here's to hoping you never have to face any big challenges regarding your marriage ever again.
How funny about that astronaut book! Did anyone ask you why you looked so shocked?
As FY mentioned, women will always be catty. Especially women like these few, such as Cookout Girl, Sexy Lady, and that pretty one who has you blocked on FaceBook. The ones who, as your H described it, tried to "snag" him. Any woman who tries to snag a married man is the sort who would try to make the married man's spouse feel uncomfortable by insinuating they have secrets together. I am sure you make THEM feel jealous and insecure by your beauty and poise. All the rest of H's friends accept you as his wife, and have befriended you on that basis. Just continue to ignore those POS and be your fabulous self rH. YOU know who H is going home with. And what will happen when you get there lol
And how great that he is reining in his own drinking. Boy that man has changed, and it gives all of us such hope for our own futures. Love you rH! Thanks for sticking with us here on MLC.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
The merger of his two lives is great. I am impressed with the direction he is headed.
He shows how proud he is of you by taking you around this other woman and you not making a scene. You are the classy one they are not.
I just want to speak my .2 regarding the drinking and that is if someone has a problem, moderation does not solve the underlying problem it just covers it up.
Being an alcoholic is not about drinking too much it is about why one drinks too much. He either needs program or therapy.
Best wishes and again I am so happy for the direction you guys are headed
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I've always been a space freak and used to build and fly model rockets.