DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I admit that I suck at DB'ing. I have read the book multiple times, I've also read countless threads, other forums, ordered Marriage Fitness CD's and find myself ultimately incapable of not showing love for my wife in ways that push her further away.
I absolutely understand that she needs space and probably a lot of time - I am trying harder to focus on spending all of my free time with my two children - giving them the extra hugs and kisses that I would love to give to my wife.
My wife says she checked out awhile ago, of course like most men I had no idea. She had and continues to have an EA with another woman who fortunately is 700 miles away now that we've moved - but she remains glued to her phone 24/7 (sleeps with it). She has told me she does not love me any more (14 years married in a few weeks) - she has told me she doesn't love me like a wife should love her husband, doesn't know how to get it back, doesn't believe she wants to either. I have focused on myself - I am in shape, I look good, I work hard, I spend time with my kids, I do for her where I can (or she'll let me)...I just can't seem to keep it going for more than a week until a discussion on the R or D or S comes up.
She hasn't left our home, we sleep in separate beds and I believe she is hanging around because she admires the relationship I have with my kids (which is stronger everyday since I took on a new job with a lot of time off).
Earlier I admitted my faults to her and validated her feelings, I truly forgave her for her infidelity - but she shows zero emotion - I am like a stranger in my home.

I am depressed, I am hurt, I am mentally distraught and I don't know how anyone can put on a happy face when they feel like this in order to show their spouse a person they couldn't possibly want to leave. Our 14 yr wedding anniversary is in three weeks - the last R talk we had (a few days ago) I told my W I would give her what she wanted - space..no R talk, no showing of my love for her until our day. I think it will be a personal miracle that I make it that long, but it's my short term goal. I just don't understand how someone can check out and not want to dig in and get the love & happiness back...it's right there for the taking and it's the last thing she wants to do. Please, if you have any tips that have really worked for you in this situation, tell me how you made it through.
Thank you.

Please stick to one thread DTM

Let's try another angle. What you need to do is be different from what you are now.

There are many things you can do. Start with

You say you look good... have you always looked good? Could you look better. How about just different. Find a woman at work (or wherever) and ask her to help you find a new look. You're in good shape? Could you be in better shape?

Go to meetup.com and find some things you could do with your kids with other people. Maybe take a parent/kid combined martial arts classes. Make some friends. When you go out to meet other people make a lot of effort to look your best.

Smell good ... Always have good breath... Floss .. brush... Wear cologne

Do these things for you not your wife. Leave your w alone. Give yourself a little star sticker every time you feel like having a talk with your w and you don't have one.

Journal about what you are doing here. And create a signature so we know about your situation ... (Married how long, number of kids, etc) check in often...

Now get started

[labug]

You'll move forward when you take your W's needs into account and really understand that it's no longer all about your needs.

I think others and maybe me, have said this to you before. There is no magic answer or pill.

There is only work and more work on the only person you control, YOU.

[DTM]

Thank you for the replies and yes I can agree that it is frustrating and also difficult to write words that don't make me appear to be focused soley on my needs. I am struggling but I guarantee you I am trying so hard. I hear what my W has said and I do understand there is nothing I can do to change her..she must do that herself.

The past two days (I know it's not much) have gone decently - very little discussion between us and what was said was mostly initiated by my W pertaining to the kids or general things. I am currently on night shift (and my W loves this because I'm not around) but did get up very early today to see my D participate in a gymnastics function..I'm beat tired now but it was worth it. Tomorrow is more of the same, only even earlier for my S and his RC truck racing which I will be doing with him. I am focusing a lot of energy towards my kids, it's really the only thing that makes me feel good lately.

As for the dating thing - I broke it off after one "date"..yes it felt good to be wanted by someone else but it also felt incredibly guilty of me to even go there when I love my wife the way I do...I think her stating to me that she was surprised I hadn't dated yet and encouraging me too do it twisted my thinking into believing it was something I should be pursuing. However, she doesn't know that I did and that story is over.

Yes, I can surely get some new cologne, have recently purchased some new clothes and I consistently work out and cycle. I do not go off too much by myself or with friends for two reasons - I just moved to the area and only know a handful of people (I can surely go out though if I made the effort! - I do cycle for hours at a time or go ride my motorcycle) and two I feel guilty when I am off because I know I can spend time I barely had before with my kids doing activities with them, which I really enjoy.

I know there is no magic pill to fixing this, I think I am having trouble understanding that my W (and most women) "think" they tried to fix something for X amount of time mostly with words...they finally give up and then use an ACTION which gets a mans attention. By the time a man sees the action the W is so checked out emotionally that they believe everything under the sun that says it's over and too late or don't trust the changes. But DB teaches that this is when the H has finally made the most significant change and will be the best husband..which I believe 100%..I so get it and I can never conceive displaying behaviors that I have in the past. I know I can't "fix" this..I can only attempt to be the most positive person I can and enjoy myself and my kids with the hope that it positively influences my W. It's so terribly hard to do and I find myself suffering from lack of sleep, depression and the inability to just put on an outward smile. I find it very challenging to just "be friends" when I just want to show love - love which isn't wanted. I am staying up with my usual help around the house and doing little things that my W doesn't perceive as threatening (or loving)..but that is about all I can do when it comes to "giving".
Please continue to offer your advice on how I can remain positive and put on that outward smile...I love my wife more than the day I married her, even with the affair and current state of our relationship...she is my sunshine and the most incredible mother..I don't ever want to be without her in my heart.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Seriously DTM, it is very important that you have other adult interaction. It can be other men. You don't need to date. Maybe befriend parents that are involved in your kids activities. I understand that you feel guilty, but try and rethink your this. You need to at least act as if everything you do is great. I am going to repeat this You need to go out and interact with others. Have people that you talk to and text with on your phone. Reconnect with family or friends who you don't talk to often. Smile a lot. If you took psychology in highs school or college you will remember that not only do people smile when they are happy, but smiling actually makes people happy.

You need to do things that that are different than you are doing now even if it doesn't make sense. Just try something .. If you have facial hair, shave it off; if you don't, then grow some.

[labug]

Hmmmm your post is still a lot about you and your feelings, you went on a date (while professing love for your W) to make you feel better, you want your W back to make you feel better, you spend time doing things "enjoy myself and my kids with the hope that it positively influences my W" See what I mean?

I love my wife more than the day I married her, even with the affair and current state of our relationship...she is my sunshine and the most incredible mother..I don't ever want to be without her in my heart.

So, if your W came to you today and said I'm filing for D, would what you wrote still be true? Do you love her enough to give her what she needs?

Read Codependent No More, it might shed some light on things.

[DTM]

What I wrote is absolutely true - I never stopped loving or appreciating my W, I simply didn't understand her love language and her non-action methods of showing me what she needed. I certainly am not perfect nor do I claim to be but I will tell you that I am learning everyday to be a better husband and father. I have read the 5LL of children and now and working on the 5LL for couples. There is a lot of information there that I wish I understood years ago. It also sheds a lot of light on my childhood and how even though I vowed not to be like my father, I am. So yes, I am changing me for the better of me. Would I like my W to fall back in love with me, you bet. Is it difficult to live with someone you love who says they don't love you anymore...absolutely. Is it hard to not talk about R or your changes or your feelings...indeed it is. I am on day three of no R talk, giving plenty of space and zero pressure. No talk of D, S, or anything else. I am focusing on my children as much as possible and making sure they know they are loved dearly by both me and my W.
I am not dependent on my W, I WANT to be with her because I choose to love her. I value & respect her in every aspect of our marriage. I do love her more today than the day I married her because I undertand her as a woman more than I did 14 years ago....my only wish is that I learned it sooner.

[labug]

Do you know what co-dependent means? That's asked as a truly inquiring question, not a snide comment. Many people don't, you might at least look at the book,it may ring true, especially in light of what you said about 5LL.

All those things that you comment about how hard they are...have you looked at the time line in my sig? I get it.

So what's the answer to the question I asked? You did a lot of defending but left that out.

What kind of help do you want?

[DTM]

Yes, I understand the question and the answer is I was absolutely brought up in a family which caused co-dependency later in my own mature life. I certainly recognize that even though I vowed not to do the things my own mother/father did I displayed those behaviors to a certain extent. I am 100% open and well on my way to changing those behaviors in myself and it is a daily focus.
I see an almost immediate difference as I interact with my children. I am not "over the top" but I do see how some of my actions reflect co-dependency.
The 5LL books were very useful to me in that area and of course "the bomb" was a huge wake up call that something I was doing obviously wasn't right and was causing emotional pain.
What kind of help do I want? Well that's a tough question..wouldn't every man in my situation love a simple answer with a direct cause and effect and guaranteed results? Sure we would! I know that isn't possible so the truthful answer would be I need help to stay the course in order to save my marriage while changing myself.
Today is day 4 - late last night my W and I had a 15 minute phone conversation regarding the upcoming holidays and some gift buying ideas for our two kids. I made sure to ask her opinion and not control the conversation stating that even though I had researched a particular gift for my son I wouldn't buy it for him unless she was in agreement...I know that took her by surprise because she skirted around a few times stating "just buy it if that's what you want to do"..and I calmly pulled away and said let's revisit it after you've had time to think.
Silly example, I know...but I am ridding myself of what I percieve to be controlling ways.
I thought it was a decent sign that we were talking about the holidays..for what that's worth.
The last two nights my W has reorganized old photos...thousands of old film prints...I can't pier into her head and I'm not mindreading but I am hopeful that was a good sign of her reflecting.
I know she isn't sleeping well (same for me) and I also heard her state "she is tired of making decisions" (while deciding what pictures to save / discard) - but that also had a deeper meaning that our R and the decisions she has running through her head are eating at her.

I am remaining positive, not putting any pressure and staying away from R talks. Today before I left for night shift I gave her a super quick "friend" hug and said "I'm glad you're here, have a great night" and wen't off to work.

I have an upcoming 14 day vacation off from work beginning in two weeks - this coincides with our 14 yr wedding anniversary 11/23 - I know me not being around the house (while working) is actually helping our situation (giving her space) and honestly I am worried that I should just plan to do my own thing(s) and spend time with the kids. I thought maybe I would take a trip to the FL Keys by myself perhaps. I don't know what is best for acknowledging the anniversary...I had planned to write a poem inside a card and leave it at that...but I don't know.

Still working on my GAL - will be planning some get out of the house by myself activities with co-workers, etc for my upcoming days off while still doing some planned activities with our kids.

Seems like I'm talking in circles..I know there have been many before me and my problems are not unique...I appreciate the replies from those that have been there and know how tough this is.

Thank you.

[DTM]

One of the more difficult items that I am dealing with is that my W does not want to be in FL where we recently recloated. It was her idea to move here but as it works out our relationship, and her EA/PA with her girlfriend, her 'left behind' friends and her home based business seem to all be pulling her back to NC. I know this is a significant issue for my W because she brings it up routinely.
A recent example - she was offered a job at the gym where our children attend gymnastics - she turned it down (twice) because she doesn't want to commit to working there if "she doesn't plan on or know if she'll be here".
Tonight we had to pay for team fees and again she mentioned an additional fee that is due mid month and her concerns - I asked what her concerns were and she roundabout said the same thing - paying a lot of money for the kids classes and not sure she plans to be here.

This leads me to a lot of open ended questions - I don't want to move again, I like it where we are now and I followed through on my W's recommendation 2.5 years ago to relocate here through my company. I have a contractual commitment since my company moved us here to live up too.
There are so many opportunities here for our children (and my W) and the biggest for me is my new work schedule which gives me 14 days off a month (1/2 year!) to be home and part of the family like never before.
Since her priorities are not me and our family I do not understand the correct way to address any of her concerns. I will not 'fertillize" any of her ideas to move away or separate, weather that is selfish of me or not. I won't be the one to quit on the marriage or the family because I absolutely believe that divorce / separation is stupid (unless warranted by abuse, etc) and there is no good that comes from it. I also believe that our relationship can be better than it ever was with my changes and wake up call but she does not openly believe that - I get the typical WAS response that she has tried for far too long and gives up, no emotional attachement, no desire, etc.

I would love some extra insight or suggestions to this situation.

When she texted me tonight to tell me about the gymnastic fees due mid month and her concerns I simply wrote back "I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that is a concern. If you would like to talk about any of it feel free to call, if not please have a restful night. I'm here if you need me. "I don't know what to say, be positive and have a good night".

I'm sure I said something that wasn't right...and that's consistent with me not doing the right thing in this situation.

[DTM]

Well maybe I didn't screw up too bad in my response to her "concern" - she eventually texted back "I appreciate it..."

Validating is a tough thing to remember to do when I'm not used to doing it..I hope it makes a difference in myself; the difficult thing for me when doing it is it feels like I'm giving her my blessing to just walk away if that's what she wants to feel or do....argh I hate feeling like that.