My difficulty is with trying to show how I am making positive changes to myself rather than talking about the marriage and trying to solve its problems, keeping communications light and happy when I can see he is anxious and stressed and wants to talk. Every conversation is strained and unnatural. Is this how it normally is?
Boy can I relate to you here. I have been going back and forth on this. Sometimes I feel like I am being bitchy (which is a 180 for me, usually I play the vulnerable wimp who avoids conflict at all costs). And the bitchiness feels good but I don't think it is productive--it is based in anger.
Then sometimes I really feel joyful. Positive. Optimistic. Those times I have a light heart and I pull off the happy and confident me without that mean feeling. And the entire energy in the house feels different when I can do that. Rather than masking my emotions with a happy facade, I am working through them before I have to deal with him.
I have been taking a lot of drives, and while I am driving I am the crazy lady talking to myself not stop. I yell at him, I criticize him, I plead with him, but all on my own, in my car when he is not around. And once I get it all out I take a deep breath and think about my goals. Think about what will happen when I walk in the door. And if I am expecting awkwardness or a fight I keep driving for a little longer until I can convince myself that I am going to walk into a house of people who are happy I am home (rather than annoyed by it). The amazing thing is that when I am able to do this successfully, I have always come home to a happy family. He is probably only doing it for the kids sake since they don't know what is happening. But other times when I feel that anger or sadness I end up coming home to a cranky man who is ready to snap. I really think the energy I exude is more important than the actual actions. I know that his negative energy always set me off. He never even had to say anything, but the way he'd carry himself would make me want to pick a fight with him just so I could get him to admit to his moods rather than just having to deal with the negativity in silence. I now realize that has not been at all effective. So now I am trying different things to counter it. Blissful ignorance helps. I keep telling myself he didn't mean it, he just doesn't yet know how to fix it. So I need to make it easier for him by being positive and not getting sucked in by his negativity.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
