still hanging in here. still (maybe) "standing". was hearing myself just now commenting to loisb - in response to her query about why she wasn't embracing d and how she was still floating along in her sitch-
i listened and was surprised at my conviction here that somehow- some way - life presents us with our next , new options, even when we're not looking or expecting it. it just requires our ability to SEE them, and maybe we don't SEE them until we are ready for some next step, kidn of thing.
idk - does it sound nutty - maybe. people allllllll (when dealing out advice ^& input to someone else) sound sooooo suyre of what they'd do in our shoes. me too- i can think of things i've said and felt in life - in the past - and i feel embarassed to have ever thought i had one stinnking clue what someone else felt. (well, more like what they should consdier doing.)
i don't think i ever lean on folks(with alot of advice) to HAVE TO DO THIS, - BUT i can remember not truly understanding the breadth & depth of some sitch.(sister's w a s) i feel so sad now to look back and realize how much i didn't realize)
anwyay- tho, i always go around thinking everyone is delicate in their own way- needs sheltering and nurturing-
who the heck knows tho? anyway - my point - i think deep down inside that somehow the "right things" for us become apparent. or present themselves - or bad options too, don't get me wrong- that's where you make decisions based on your own values.
i have probably made some very bad decisions in life- based on who i was and what i felt then- no goin back rite??? i think at the time we all think we're doing the best we can.
i think lookin back is bad bananas. maybe that is me leetting self off hook for any bad decisions- idk
maybe i'm rambling a bit here- having had enough sleep and dreanmed waaaay too much all nite- makes me tired now tho awake- i'm thinking maybe life (for want of better name) shows us the way- rather than the reverse - us being allll powerful and full of decisions and selections, etc.??? (all the people i know in life who had big plans, rules, goals are all miserable floating poor saps who are not "happy" really with how life went- even the successful ones - wtf????? if you don't reach "the goal" you're unhappy- and if you reach it - it's "never what you thought it would be". i mean- really wtf is it with all that? anyway...
could it be? i wonder why i don't and think i can't select to just pick up my buttons and move to england. it sounds sooooo nice - sooooooo DESIREABLE. I CAN'T figure out why i don't. seems tooooo many entanglements and "strings" holding me here- family, h, friends, life???? "always unfinished business"...
idk- it's a wierd though when you really think what you COULD DO- (HAVE THE $$ to do if you REALLY REALLY REALLY NEEEEEEEDDTO> )
i'm outta here - off on a wird tangent today- lots of sleep- gives one a diferent perspective somewhat.
