Hmmmm, labug. That's a hard one to answer.

I enjoy seeing him and talking to him and us all being together as a family.

And I like going out to dinner - something that I've not been able to afford to do for more than 2 years now.

I especially like having big meals provided for the kids. And not having to cook for us all for at least one night of the week... But then, if that was all there was to it, there'd be no need for me to go.

I don't like the awkward atmosphere that is more often present than not.

I feel like I'm being fake - too gushy; desperate to find something neutral and agreeable to talk about.

I don't feel like i'm overtly pursuing him, but I think that my motivation for going is in large part to make him miss us and want to come back.

Not sure any more that I'd be willing to take him back as he still is.
But I want him to want to come back.
And I think that's part of why I go.

Frankly, though, a free meal in my lingering financial situation is no small thing so, as silly as this sounds, this is a really big part of why i want to go.

Like I think I said some time ago, feelings, or consideration of what I enjoy, don't really come into it when you are focussed primarily on how to get food on the table day after day. A big hunk of steak (X3) and a beer (not to mention dessert) carries a lot of weight with me these days.