Thinking more tonight as I know that she was on the phone with OM when I came home around 11:30 This was the same pattern as last week. I said nothing, just began to make sure our plans were square for tomorrow. Kids going in 2 different directions, making sure we coordinated who was going where and when. Watched a little TV. She has been texting/messaging/Facebooking for almost 2 solid hours. All the shile I watched a little TV, continued to talk to her a bit about what was on. Came downstairs to my laptop to see if I'd gotten any more instructions or insight from my new friends.
Her activity doesn't really bring feelings of rage or rejection tonight. It makes me think about what she might be saying to whoever is on the other end. What is going through her mind that makes her feel the need to invest so much emotional energy into another person and many persons that may be Facebook friends or Instagram followers.
I know I can't help her, but I can feel sorry for her turmoil. How do I express that without sounding condescending or patronizing? I don't want to drive her further away be pursuing her either.
This beautiful, giving, loving woman has become lost in a fog that she wanders around in searching for answers. She is a little hurt girl that needs guidance and protection. I know I cannot provide that for her. That is frustrating.
My journey of turmoil, transition, and upheaval is just beginning. I feel sorry for my W. Sorry that she has not led a fulfilling enough life that she is in crisis at this point. Sorry that she must walk it mostly alone. Her BFF is her rock and her confidant. I cannot by there in this manner.
I feel sorry for myself that I have never looked deeper into myself to decide who I really am. Just like she is trying to sort through her roles as woman, mother, and wife, I've got to figure out who in the world I really want to be.
I think that I want to be a great role model for my sons. I want to be a steady rock in the stormy seas of life for my family. In my professional life, I care for other people's children on a daily basis. I help to guide them and provide stability in their lives. I want to bring that same energy to my own life and my own family.
Down the rabbit hole...
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
