Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

So...here are my brainstorm notes for 180, etc. I am ready for advice...

My 180's

This is kind of a draft of my goals and plans, but it is also a brainstorm of some of my thoughts regarding some of the questions MWD brings up in DB. I have finished that one, and am in the middle of DR.

*** Deal breakers that would cause me to take a "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) approach and ask her to either be a wife again, or leave. ***

- I think it would be if she is having (or begins) an affair, or if she begins to totally neglect her parenting, or if she begins to change her attitude about my parenting (So far in the midst of a lot of negative stuff about me and the "done" language and IDYLA repetition, she has repeatedly told me that I am a great guy and a great dad).

*** Which of these will be the very first sign that things are starting to be on the right track? (this is a difficult question. She has never, hardly ever, pursued me in any way. Never asked me out for a date, very rarely initiated intimacy, never sat next to me on the couch, very rarely acted in a playful or affectionate way, rarely carried a "light" attitude about her) ***

- her being happy and joking around more?
- her talking more about what she is learning with her IC?
- her opening up to me in a trusting way?
- if her anxiety is back regularly because she is confused?
- she releases some anger/sadness toward me?

*** Think critically about yourself. Imagine what your spouse has thought and felt about your problem-solving efforts. If someone asked her, how I have reacted to the problems we are having, what would she say? ***

- denial, begging, shock, pushing all reasons on her side [first month or two]
- peaceful acceptance after that
- working on himself now, running, dieting, being oddly detached and peaceful, keeping busy with the kids, giving her space, being available to talk, listening in an oddly "not gonna fix it" kind of way, affirming her more...I think these are some things she might say.

*** What wild ideas have you had which might be useful to solve this problem? (this was a question from the DB book) (Maybe imagine you are not able to talk...actions speak louder than words) ***

[Separating our apple, amazon accounts?]
[Getting off each others' bank accounts / cards?]
[Teaching her about our budget so she feels more independent?]
["Agreeing" with her about separation or the loss of connection?]
[Dance classes] (begun)
[Weight loss] (begun)
[Starting a business?] - With the religious nature of our jobs, I may need to seek a new career, and I have considered starting a business.
[Agreeing it was all my fault?]
[Planning vacation with kids with or without her?
[Stop calling / texting] (begun except when it involves finances or kids)
[Spend time with friends having fun]
[Getting out in the evenings - just to make her curious] (begun in combination with some of the other ideas)
[No computer after kids in bed?] Would show I am available
[Preparing a mini-concert for her?] - this would be an idea that I know she would love if we ever get back to a reconciled point, not for now though.
[Wacky dates - shooting, concerts, tastings, scavenger hunts, climbing, more?] - again, for later if we can reconcile
[Dad fishing trip?] - this is something I want to do because my dad has a chronic illness and he and I have not really connected emotionally even though he has been a ever providing, loving dad. I feel I inherited this emotional connection disability and if I can make ground with him, maybe it will help me in other types of R's as well
[Visit her grandma?] - she is dying and has always loved me.

*** What is different about the times when I am feeling happy? ***

- I remember my many friends and family that love me
- I remember it will be ok no matter what she does
- I do my own thing and forget about her (trick or treat with kids, driving to visit friends, working on my own stuff, running, meaningful tasks at work)

*** What do I need to do in order to be happy in 3 years, with or without W? ***

- financial plan (we have gotten so used to "having enough" and living on our budget but potential S or D would change all of that, especially since both of us would need new careers)
- work more on mentoring the kids; educate self as a dad
- 180s for myself
- continue graduate studies?
- meaningful job

*** What are ways I can become more fun, attractive, funny, safe, cheerful, strong, outgoing?***

- fun: guitar lessons, fun things with kids, dancing with Besiana, B date night
- attractive: diet, exercise, wardrobe, cologne, grooming, smile, eye contact
- funny: make light of situations, tell jokes, be silly
- safe: listen, don't react, refrain from sharing certain things with her, don't talk to others anymore (except Nathan, Scott, Jason)
- cheerful: smile more
- strong: (I think part of the thing that turned her heart cold is my strength; without sensitivity). So, I can remain confident but with a humbleness about it.
- outgoing: think I'm ok here

*** What are my 180s?

* EMPATHY / LISTENING / CONNECTION
- Sit in a quiet room and put myself in W's shoes. [I've tried to do this and it doesn't get me anywhere. As much as I am taking seriously the things she has brought up with control, stealing her voice, etc., I really can't understand her wanting to throw away a really decent M]
- Anticipate conversations she will want to have, and have a plan for them. During this time, listen well and remain CCCC. Ask questions, share feelings.
- NO fights. [To do this, I will need to let go of your sense of justice, and I will also need to process emotions real-ly and not channel them negatively toward her as anger or criticism or control]
- No iPad or bring-home work in the evening, sit in a chair where she could potentially sit next to me.

* CONTROL / MANIPULATION
- Detach for my own health, and to give space
- Open the cage door (Dobson) (done)
- Continue to GAL and work on myself and avoid the R talks.

* AFFECTION
- no way to 180 this with her right now, but I can work on this weakness in my life by reaching out more to my parents and sister. For some reason, I have no problem with showing affection to my kids, so that is awesome at least.

* HEALTH
- exercise and eat less
- no more snacks / desserts
- run 3x week / gym (just finished my 16th run, so it's a start)
- dance lessons

* ATTRACTIVENESS
- continue to lose weight and gain muscle
- smell nice

* GAL
- plans with kids (cool activities)
- plans with church (reengage in some kind of ministry)
- plans with friends (reconnect with two specifically)
- guitar, tennis
- reading
- do my job well again

*** What are my values for me?
- Heart
- Fatherhood
- Fun
- Ministry
- Provision / Purpose
- Becoming an attractive person again
- Purity

To Read:
"Journey from Abandonment to Healing"
"N.U.T.S"
DB (done)
DR (in progress)