gathered some old posts.....hope they help

[LoisB]

I'm so glad this was reposted!

This passage has given me so much comfort since I read it about 6 months ago. The "brilliant BS" helped. Convincing everyone about the sourness of the marriage--(my inlaws have bought into it completely).

To hear it from the other side and hear how they put such a spin on a lifetime of memories. I think it may be the posting that has given me the most comfort in the darkest times.

I think it speaks to me the most because when you are in the thick of it--the bottom of the cesspool--when the MLC-er/spouse you have loved, trusted etc...when that person is lost in an infatuation with someone else and looks at you with venom, I can't imagine a torture more painful. I think I'd rather have bamboo shove under my fingernails(well, maybe not) but, you know what I mean.

It's those moments when the MLC-er BELIEVES YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL HIS/HER PROBLEMS AND IS IN THE ARMS OF SOMEONE ELSE--that's when these words comfort me and help me remember the truth. And, help me see the value of that truth.

We hold the truth of all these years. The LBS-er holds the truth--we have been given this responsibility to our kids and ourselves and even our spouses to hold what really happened in our marriage/lives in some special place. Especially the kids.

As a child of divorce, we weren't allowed to talk about our former lives before my dad's affairs and his leaving. Don't do that! Talk about the good times. That is family history that your kids need. Talk about good memories and even bad. It's all part of the weaving that is your family. And, I think this passage by Amy brilliantly conveys the importance of this job.

In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...

Heather