That's my starting point: if she we stay completely engaged and focused on creating a new relationship for several weeks, and we can agree on counseling.
The thing that worries me is that I believe W WANTS to change, but I don't think she can do the hard work to actually make it happen.
Originally Posted By: JonF
I may ask W how she wants to proceed. I'm very supportive and validate, but I'm sort of letting her drive what she feels she can do. Is IC or MC the next step? Now that there's no divorce to bust, I'm feeling a little lost/overwhelmed. I don't feel any need to rush, but want to be looking ahead...
From my perspective, a spouse does not leave the other spouse in the lurch on a path forward in the restoration of a M. Act like a wingman to your W and take the lead. If I were you, I'd start with reading After the Affair by Janis Spring together as a starting point. Hopefully that will generate a discussion that will lead you two to researching and locating a MC counselor in your area that's trained in Gottman theories.
We've learned so much from DBing forums that we are ahead in the learning curve and makes sense to pull our spouses up in the next grade level, if you will. Just don't wait around for them to make a move in repairing the M. It takes two make it happen.
