2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

I forgive you for not hanging on my every word, but my eyes have been opened a great deal since i got the bomb. The short version is that i learned my h was verbally abusing me and our kids and crossed the line into physical abuse with the kids. I have learned why it was possible for me to submit to that and to not even recognize it, and how to stand up to it.

I did plenty of things wrong in my marriage too, and would love to be married to someone capable of an emotional connection and interested in healing the wounds that led us to harm each other.

If h asked to come home today i would say no, rick.

I'd feel sad about that but i would say no.

I won't go back to that.

Because of where i was in my process of growing up, he seemed like a good fit. It was a big mistake, but probably one i had to make in order to get where i am. I believe things had to happen in this order for me. I'm not the same person now, and i can't be with H now.

I dont rule out the possibility that he might grow through this experience and seek professional help, and that would open up a chance for us, if i'm still available. But i'm not waiting for him and i don't think there's much chance for him. I've sat with him thru four MC sessions and he is literally terrified to look at himself. I'm sad, but not sad enough to shackle myself up to someone who feels ok only by being better than me.

Maybe you missed that part of my journey.

I really do mean it, that i'm just trying to be a decent human being to the guy, for the sake of my kids being able to sort out their own relationship with him.

I'm not looking at dating because i'm still working through a lot of my own growing-up issues, learning to be more emotionally healthy. Its a good use of time since i'm still legally married and like to follow the rules about that.

I don't think i let go by letting go. It just happens to me. But i do see each time someone here challenged me about whether i had let go, i can see that the reframing that person suggested shifted my thinking each time and led me further from my attachment. So maybe i'm using different words for the same thing.

I don't know how my behavior could look more detached. I last sat with h over a meal on fathers day last june, making small talk. I last spoke to him about anything significant when we argued over s15's drug use maybe around feb/march, not sure. We havent had any kind of relationship discussion since maybe last november, almost a year. I asked hom to move out. I never call him and he never calls me, just eml and txt when necessary. He's done some favors around the house and i've been as friendly as if it was a contractor. I'm not trying to attract him. So i really think if he thinks i'm pursuing him somehow, i honestly can't help what his mind tells him.

He's been so consistent about not wanting to be with me that i would really need to see skywriting and poetry to believe he might have a change of heart. And then i'd take it really really slow. My counselor does not believe he's capable of change, based on our 4 sessions with him, 2 more as a family, and the rest based on what i've said. Our work now is based on making sure i do better from now on.