"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

From my last thread:

rH, I was living through the while story like it was happening to me when was reading your update. This is so much like my H in soooo many ways. You said “H has some mixed up thinking about life, and overestimates the value of entertainment.” This applies to my H as well.

Its so strange how our H's can be so alike and we don't even know each other!

And he does the same with alcohol. I cannot call him an alcoholic, because he can go without drinking (or used to, I just don’t know any more) for a few days, but then get very drunk one night. I remember how I felt when he was making inappropriate jokes and flirting with women when he was “having fun”.

That hurts!

I can only imagine what he is doing now when he considers himself a single man. I’ve heard some stories from our mutual friends.

Try your best not to think about it! He won't even remember the details later.

Oh yeah, and he is also very selfish, especially now.

So are children. It's just a phase.

I don’t know if I can give you any advice on whether to bring it up or not. But, I would ask about the pictures on his phone. If he could brag about it to a female friend, he should share it with you.

I actually did ask him! He looked at me shocked! He said for one thing, there are pics of ME on it! Oh yeah. I had forgotten we used to send each other pics all the time. I understood.

If the conversion about that night will come again, maybe you should tell him how uncomfortable you were and ask him what both of you should do about it in the future if it happens again. I’m afraid that asking you to control his drinking and suggest water instead of a drink is not going to work. You cannot reason with a drunk person. He needs to learn how to control it himself.

We did discuss all this. There was a point when, looking back on the evening, I should've suggested we leave. He would've gone. He isn't a mean drunk. He doesn't want this to happen again.

To me it looks like he briefly slept into a replay activity. Maybe he is not completely finished with the process. Maybe some vets can elaborate on this.

This thought helped me a lot. Helped me to see it for what it is. Like job said, he's not totally finished baking. Not that he should have license for disrespecting me but what he did was only very borderline. And he was sorry.

And...I will stay strong through this...thank you!!

Hi rH. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's upsetting that your H is still occasionally dabbling with replay, and overdoing things. But rH, thank God you two are back into that place of love and trust where you can discuss these things, and not have to STFU like the majority of us.

It truly is amazing isn't it? I can call him on his behavior and expect him to be responsible.

You'll work it out. Love conquers all How did you decide to handle bringing it up at the counselor? Will you ask H first, or just spring it?

We're sorta outta money for the MC (see my post) so I did bring it up to him myself. But in my best loving way. Not critical, judgmental, or defensive at all.

My faithful friend!

When I read your post I was thinking about how us DB'ers learn not to fix our H's problems, or act like their mothers, or control them and back off.

My thoughts precisely!

So now your H wants you to "take care of him" and "watch over him" so he doesn't mess up. I agree that his drinking could turn into a problem if not addressed, and you should find the appropriate time to talk about it, but I don't think you should take "responsibility" for it.

Funny, that he wants me to take care of him in this way!

He needs to feel guilt when he has done something immature and maybe it will take a few times of feeling embarrassed before he can learn to control himself. He has to admit he has the problem, before he will address it. If he expects you to "control" it, that could backfire for you.

I would tell him you will make sure he gets home safely, but that is all. If he decides to drink himself stupid, he lives with the result. I would also let him know that you are affected and embarrassed by it but you won't MAKE him do anything such as drink a glass of water between drinks. I am an advocate for tough love.

It was obvious I couldn't make him do anything. But if I'm driving I can say when we leave. And if I'm not having a good time (embarrassed by him, I will leave). One of the things he did by himself was very embarrassing for him. It didn't involve anyone else. I was glad for him he was dressed in costume. I would never go back to that club if I were him, but thankfully I'm not him

RH I think I would bring up these things in counseling. My h was drinking a lot and finally he got to a point that he realized he needed to stop. I think the counselor said some things to him that finally sunk in but it took a while. He has slowed down a bunch but still drinks some. I'm not in good graces with h so I couldn't really say much but I did say that it worried me especially if he got into a car.

The driving worries me a lot too.

I agree with job about him being a social drinker but you don't want it to progress into something more. Coming from someone else will be so much better than coming from you though. Not only that with alcohol being a depressant it seems to magnify the effects with people in mlc.

Since last December my H gets anxiety attacks the next day when he drinks too much. He didn't have one this last time, but I think it's b/c I was there for him the whole time.

This is just a small bump in the road. You are getting further and further along this tough mlc road and you are doing so great.

Thank you for being with me along the way . I'm amazed that my M is still standing and that H and I are as close as we are. It seems unbelievable!

Keep being patient, keep enjoying!

Ah yes! Patience, patience and more patience! And I'm doing plenty of enjoying too, thanks