I'm stealing this from Mach1's post on UR's thread. But it (the original post from the archives) was the post that kicked logic back in for me, and helped my ego figure out a couple things, it spoke to me because it was from a woman mlc'er:
Quote:
I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN. I had all my family in support of my efforts.
Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.
He stood for over 2 years, though. Alone. Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.
You might think that's a shame.
But the rest of my story is still being written.
I don't know why I wrote all that. There are some new people here I guess. Trying to determine if there's hope. Thinking there is hope if it's MLC.
To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you. Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.
Originally Posted By: Goinbatty Amy, not only the new folks benefit, but some of us "old timers" do also. Perhaps my x will also "wake up", and I'll be better prepared in part thanks to your posts. On the other hand, perhaps she never will and that's why its important for folks to look after themselves and move along. For the new folks, yes, you can do both. Important to note, some few never do "wake up" and remain stuck. Thanks again Amy.
I am of the opinion that the reason for that is pride. Especially in men.
The HARDEST thing for me was turning around and saying I'd been wrong. I had to also go to my mother, my sister, my aunt and worst of all, my Grandma, and tell them, try to make them understand, that I did not see things for what they truly were and that I bore a good sized chunk of the blame for the state of my marriage. See, if your spouse is an unchanging ass and you have an affair, you've justified yourself. I did. But if you find out your perception was flat-out WRONG, you just become an adulterer. It was hard to realize that's all I was. Lost though I may have been, I'd prayed for God to show me myself as HE saw me and THAT is just ONE thing He showed me about myself. Each visit, each phone call looming before me back then was another opportunity for me to just run. I came so close... Facing my husband was the worst. It was a long process. That "talk" was actually more a series of talks. But I could have cut and run at any time and I sure as hell wanted to MANY times. But when you find yourself face down in the carpet night after night for 2 weeks straight and all you can do is cry and say "help me" because you can ACTUALLY feel the pain you've caused the one who loved you the most in the world, you'll do whatever He requires and He required that I go to my husband. He required that I go to my family and set things right.
I think all MLCers wake up.
I just don't think they all "own up".
It is the single most difficult task I have ever undertaken in my life.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
... Also, a fantasy of boinking a college chick has never, ever crossed your mind? Again, fantasy, not actually doing it, but just the fantasy part? Really?
Of course I have had that fantasy. But only as a fantasy. I have never acted on it, nor would I; even now when it might seem justifiable. Why? Because it would be wrong - for many of the reasons I stated above. (And yes, I have had the opportunity in the past, and yes, I have resisted it.)
There is a profound difference between having a healthy sexual fantasy, and indulging one.
A fantasy which exists only in the mind is generally harmless, and can actually enrich one's life. Acting upon harmful fantasies is...harmful.
For instance, I have long had a fantasy involving simply liquidating my possessions, moving to a Greek Island, alone, and having sex with Scandavian tourists. This is a harmless fantasy. It would not be harmless to actually do it.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
...And a man our age with a 24 year old woman is wrong as well, right?
That is correct. I am 52 and it would be wrong. I subscribe to the "half-your-age plus seven years" theory. Have you heard of it? It makes sense.
A 26 year old may morally have a sexual relationship with a 20 year old. (26/2)+7=20
A 35 year old may morally have a sexual relationship with a 25 year old. (35/2)+7=25
My 49 year old wife may morally have sex with a 32 year old man, but not a 24 year old. (49/2)+7=32; 32>24 (Eight years past the creepy.)
I am 52. The youngest woman I would be even remotely comfortable sleeping with would be 37, which is four years older than my minimum non-creepy dating partner age of 33. (52/2)+7=33
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
Thanks to everyone who has written in today. I am touched by the passion of your responses, and promise to do a better job of focusing on myself. I definitely need to spend more time on me, and less time thinking about what W is doing.
I was in shock when I found out about this thing, but I have been getting a little bit better each day. Sort of buried it until this morning, when I decided to pull my anger out of the box, have a look at it, and really turn it loose in here. In the safety of this place.
Those who have followed this thread may have noticed I tend to work things out through writing about my feelings. This is helpful and cathartic for me. I learn a lot about how I actually feel by writing, and then editing, and writing again.
AJ, please don't take my responses personally. I appreciate your help greatly and agree with most of what you say. By the way, I am an architect - not an engineer. Though I did take two years of mechanical engineering prior to switching majors. Thermodynamics was the convincer. Entropy calculations? Are you kidding me?
*****
So. Let's talk about me for a while. I am having a hard time with the GAL and the PMA lately. You see, I am now taking care of a big old house all by myself. I have the two teenagers, a huge dog (sheds and needs walkies), a cat, and all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work etc. I do the work on the cars too. I also run my own business from home. Not a lot of time to take on new hobbies and to stay fit - especially whilst on anti-anxiety drugs and going to see a shrink in my spare time.
My teens are doing fewer chores now because they are only here half the time, and because I am letting them get away with less. I am letting them off because this has been hard on them too. But it makes more work for me.
So I am swamped. The house is a wreck, laundry is piled up, dishes are dirty, and I am worn out. Gotta make appointments with school counselors, orthodontists, a chest exam for S16 (possible surgery), optometrists (both kids), pay bills for work and home, plus meet with lawyers and work out a divorce strategy and proposal. Plus Thanksgiving and Christmas shopping/travel etc.
W and I used to split all this. Now there is more of it, and I do it alone. I know this situation is pretty common in here, and that we are all carrying more than our share.
******
I see that I am over 100 responses. I'll start a new thread next post and link it back here.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
Sure, I get that, and follow it myself. And there is the mental maturity thing too, I have acquaintances who should date a 24 year old, because that's about their mental age. And I know people who are around 36, but fit in better with old farts past mid-forties. Regardless, whether 20 or 75, the A was wrong, plain old simple wrong. You can add degrees of wrong, your choice, I don't, my choice. It's pretty binary for me.
Look, I remember being right where you are at, okay? In fact, that this is the 2 year anniversary time of my sitch, I am having flashbacks to the initial BD time, and accessing those feelings again.
So, would you over the weekend give some info on your W's upbringing, relations with parents, siblings, how she was in high school/college (eg, wallflower or party girl), etc? And any other things, traumas, etc since you've been M?
Here's why...what helped me move past this anger part, which took a terrible toll on me physically (nothing like having a toilet bowl full of blood from a bleeding ulcer to get one to re-think things), was to just "try" understanding, looking at it from her POV, from her life experience. For example, my W was sexually abused as a child and young teenager by her dad, and he then abandoned her and the rest of the kids emotionally until 2 years or so before he died (which triggered W's mlc rumblings I believe)...well, how does that affect a girls development? I had a great childhood, so I had no idea. She was horridly shy and a wall flower as a teen and young adult, I was her 2nd "real" relationship...I had a very, very well mis-spent youth, so I had worked through a lot of stuff by the time we got m.
Point is, I want to try to maybe help you get some understanding. I need to understand everything, it's my engineering nature. Doesn't mean you have to change anything, forgive, have compassion, etc. Those are all your choices to do, or not do.
I would rather make those choices with understanding, so I knew for me I made the right choice.
There is a cause for every effect, right? We are living in the effect (mlc), I would want to know the cause, or likely causes/theories.
So, would you do that for me?
Thanks!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
