She invited me over again to spend the night. Sigh, I'd love to go, but I know we need space, so had to decline.
She sure runs hot and cold, she goes from not wanting anything to do with you to wanting to hop right back into the sack. You're going to be walking a tight rope for a while, because you want to maintain your distance but at the same time you don't want to come off as cold and distant towards her at a time she's showing interest in reconciling. It's important to keep up your GAL and it's OK to refuse some of her offers to do stuff, but I wouldn't refuse ALL of them.
@AS - She told me the "cold" times were really more of her being ashamed/guilty/embarrassed and being sure that I would reject her flat out, so she would push away being certain I would crush her heart by hating her.
So, continued progress, I think. W did tell me she was calling OM today, had talked to the paralegal to make sure the dismissal was going, and said she was going to our "First Friday" (our downtown fun night) and was going to put her rings back on. She sent me a picture of herself in a new set of lingerie she said she bought for me when we were ready for that, and I told her that was pretty much torture. Sheesh.
We're taking a mutually agreed 24 hours of no contact (from yesterday), not even texting, to get an emotional break, and then will just see each other tonight at First Friday for an hour or so - which is a lot of kids running around, and stuff going on, so it won't even be romantic or anything.
I think once the call is done with OM, and I see the entry for the dismissal, I may ask W how she wants to proceed. I'm very supportive and validate, but I'm sort of letting her drive what she feels she can do. Is IC or MC the next step? Now that there's no divorce to bust, I'm feeling a little lost/overwhelmed. I don't feel any need to rush, but want to be looking ahead...
I'd take some time to decide what YOU really want, and what led you to this predicament.
You just said 36 hours ago that you were DONE DONE DONE, and pretty much gave us your swan song that you were done posting here.
It may be comfortable to just rush back into the R and dismiss this as a fight that got out of hand, but that would be the worst thing you can do at this point. Something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship, so if you want to reconcile, you need to fix what got you here.
And I'd be weary of her words for now. Not to cast any doubt, but who's to say OM dumped her after the Sunday encounter and that she's left without a life boat.
Time heals and time also reveals the truth.
Good luck.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
NTX - I was done with W waffling, and I was ready to go on alone - but that didn't mean I didn't still love her. I still am done honestly. I am happy with the way things seem to have turned around but the entire burden of proof is on W at this point, and she has to make this concrete before we can begin to look at the issues that led to this marriage.
I actually just told her that I have enjoyed talking, and I'm glad that we at least seem to be pointing the same direction, but no other conversations or contact would happen until the OM had been cut off completely, I could see her phone records, and she would show me where she had blocked him from texting, Facebook, and so on. I said that's basically the starting point, but I would need additional time to ensure that this wasn't just another yo-yo, maybe several weeks or more. I said I'm guilty of it as well so I want to make sure I'm not going to contribute to ongoing issues.
That's my starting point: if she we stay completely engaged and focused on creating a new relationship for several weeks, and we can agree on counseling.
The thing that worries me is that I believe W WANTS to change, but I don't think she can do the hard work to actually make it happen. Kind of like when you're fat and you know you need to go the gym, but instead you decide to eat a little more ice cream... Sigh.
I know communicating via internet is difficult to get a good read and to know someone, but reading your reply gives me the sense that it's all about you now and that you relish that you think you are in total control of this now, and that she can only start to come back if she jumps through all of your hoops. If you did say some of those things to her, it reeks of passive aggressiveness, in my humble opinion.
Look, I know she's no angel, but how did y'all get here? I suspect your W isn't a floozie that went out looking for a quick hook up. She's got some serious issues with you to get to this point.
I'm not sure my point is valid but it feels like you are thinking "ah ha, she IS the one that screwed this up, I knew it, she's the crazy one, she better shape up or I won't take her back"
Obviously some of that is a piece of this puzzle, but you need to look at how she was so hurt, that she felt driven to move out with kids, and take on this huge undertaking. Getting to where she is now was not easy for her and took a lot of courage on her part. She must have felt desperation to make these dramatic, costly, uncomfortable moves. She didn't put you through this to have a fling. She was hurt, and badly. You've even mentioned depression. Is she depressed because of something in her past before you? Or is she depressed because she felt unloved, controlled, emotionally abused, and not an equal to Jon? The real answer is probably some of both.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
LOL, I got that term from a guy here at work. He coached me through my sitch a couple of years ago. About five years ago, he went through pretty much the same thing I went through, and that you are going through now.
That was his advice to me from time to time. Sometimes when we talk outside the office, we talk like college frat boys. lol
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I'm sorry - I wrote that wrong. I did PLENTY to contribute to the marriage problems - and that's going to be a good bit of time for both us to deal with through counseling, etc.
I meant the immediate burden is on W to prove this fling/relationship is completely utterly done before we can discuss moving forward.
