You mentioned that if your W had slept with somebody older it would have been ok with you (or at least more tolerable). Really? I call BS. You won't know for sure, but I call BS in this case. It hurts regardless. Not more nor less.
But I am kinda curious why her sleeping with a guy half her age is something you would consider more painful than if it was somebody older? What if it had been a woman half her age? How about a guy 20 years older?
Is there something there I'm missing? Help me understand your thoughts...
[WARNING: I have used strong language in this post, because it is appropriate to the subject matter. If you are easily offended, I ask that you stop reading now.]
AJ, I am completely sincere in stating that an affair with a guy her age would be acceptable to me. In fact, I know she is having/had an EA with a coworker in his 40's, and I am pretty sure it may have progressed to a PA a few months ago. And I really am not worked up about that one. As I said a few pages back, I understand that affairs are part of the MLC process, and they help to move it along. I can handle that. I accepted it. No problemo.
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Here are some reasons why sex with a 24-year-old is different:
It makes my wife a sluut. If she was with a guy near her age, she would be seeking an actual relationship; companionship, a friend, a compatible lover. With a guy less than half her age, she is seeking and getting SEX from a man-child. Like porno grade SEX. Like Cougars. From a guy who is willing to scr3w someone older than his own mother.
She is sending sexy pictures of herself to a kid born one week before I met her (when she was 26 and I was 29). She sends these out at midnight, and then he comes over and fukks her. That might sound crass, but that is what she is doing. They are not making love.
It is different because she is doing it to indulge in a fountain of youth sex fantasy with a college student. This is not a healthy fantasy to indulge in. This guy is probably not trustworthy. What kid is? He is gonna brag. It is likely he is sharing the photos with his friends. It is likely he is telling them about her. He works in the same building as her.
It is different because societal norms do not allow for this sort of thing. If my friends found out she was doing a 24-year-old, they would be disgusted by her, and embarrassed for me. If W's own mother found out they both would be horrified. Societal norms are important, because we live in society, and they are real. Other people's opinions are real, and they matter.
She would not be embarrassed to tell her sister about her affair with a peer. But she will never tell anyone about the one with this man-child. Because it is wrong, embarrassing, harmful, and disgusting. To everyone; me, our kids, our families, our friends; and ultimately, to herself.
It is disgusting because societal taboos exist. Social taboos are real, and this breaks one. Because she is getting sex from a guy who because of his youth, offers her the one thing I cannot - youth and youthful virility. It thus wounds my pride.
Because she is demeaning herself, for a momentary pleasure. And it is a very guilty pleasure. If she ever recovers from this, she will have to deal with it. Since I am aware of it, I must eventually share that I know. It makes any possible reconciliation less likely, and more arduous.
Because if my teenage children were to find out she had done a 24-year-old, they would be horrified, and damaged emotionally. They would need therapy. If my kids found that she was having a relationship with an actual peer they would be okay with it.
My son is 16. My wife took a 24-year-old lover. She is 49. This is wrong.
