I Believe it Cause I Feel It

[Whiterose]

I feel married but that I don't have a husband.....it's weird. We haven't communicated, at all, in 3 weeks (since I messaged him about his surgery) We have kids but he refuses to talk to me.......it makes me feel even weirder about it. I was thinking New Year's Eve. I would take it off to start the new year. Geeky I know but maybe significant for my fresh start. I don't know. I'll see how I feel.

I mentioned in an earlier post how I was dreading Christmas well, it appears my S14 is so excited for it. Last night S18 went with friends after all we shut the house down and S14 wanted to go but it was too late and the older boys wanted to go on their own. He would normally have to go off to bed, it was 10, but asked if he could make a hot chocolate. I said sure. We then cuddled, he was right on top of me, and we watched Elementary, our show together, and he said "you know what happens now?" Me "no" "Christmas!" My stomach dropped. "Well, first there's Remembrance Day then we can start Christmas" "we can get our tree a few weeks before and decorate it up. The house too. You know what I love Bout Christmas?" "What's that?" "Our family is all together and happy" I just about burst into tears. He then stated talking about some gifts he's asked for and how he understands I cannot afford all of them but he would prefer this over that, etc. He is just so excited for it! It's a big deal in my family. I bake for about a month before, different types of cookies. We go to mass and, used to, go to H's family for Christmas Eve, brunch Christmas morning with my sister, her family, either at my house or theirs. Dinner with my parents and sisters again. Boxing Day we get together with friends. New Year's Eve we switch between my house, my sister's house or a friend's house (friend's turn this year) and we eat more than you can imagine. We actually all wear our new Christmas pj's. Then New Year's Day dinner at my parent's house. We cut down our tree. We go to see big displays of lights. I'm dreading each and every event. I'll put on a good face, and I'm sure there will be moments of utter joy, but I'm terrified it'll just feel so wrong. S18 mentioned he may want to spend Christmas Day with his dad....I'm screaming on the inside. Crying in private. Waaaay ahead of myself. I know. So bad.

This weekend. My friend is taking me and S14 for dinner. S18 is working. May cuddle on the couch after and watch a movie with him. Tomorrow need to do some floral work for some orders early Sunday am then a family baptism Sunday night. Good 75 - 80 people going to be there. My cousin's dad family (so my mom's sister her husband's family) I know it doesn't sound like much but we're Italian so all related kinda sorta. Lol . Haven't seen them since this started and I'm sure there will be questions or looks or both. They loved H a lot too and are very angry at him for doing this to me again. And it's a big family. 6 men one sister. Each married each with kids and some with more kids. That's a lot of questions. Part of me wants to run and hide but I can't.

What about you Linda. How are you? Plans for the weekend? I just want to say, again, how proud I am of you for putting H and RT in their place!! Good for you