I really hate how anxious I feel when I haven't heard from him.
Yeah, that sux. I know the feeling.
Just keep working. The more detached you are, the less this will bother you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You just have to believe in the pursuer/distancer dance.
I read about this awhile back....but need to restudy and remind myself of this.
I had an epiphany the other day. When H and I first met, he asked me out for 3 months before I would say yes. At that time, I was coming out of another very abusive R, so I was really hesitant to date anyone, including my H. But, when we did start dating, I was stupid...and we got PG right away and the dynamics of our R changed. After that, for our entire marriage, I've been the pursuer, mostly. I can see parts of our past where I backed off, and let H pursue again...and that seemed to help our R. I need to work on this.
Quote:
Just know you are much stronger than you realize. You know there are emotions deep inside you that could come out even despite your sitch. I can tell you you have a wealth inside you that you don't even realize !!! And I know there is "warm and friendly" lurking there just below the surface!
Thank you, rH!!! I keep looking at your sitch and how far you've come...and how far your H has come and it gives me hope at my darkest moments. Thank you for seeing the strength in me that I can't see sometimes.
BF:
Quote:
From the outsider point of view your H goes through the typical cycles. I’ve read so many storied on this board, so your experience is not unique. In your case, right now, your H is probably re-evaluating his decision. I guess it is not that simple after all, to leave a wife and the kids after 15 years of M.
BF, it does help me to be reminded that others have journeyed through this exact stuff and are ok....that my H is going through the typical MLC junk and that I really have no control over it.
PM: I'll keep working on detaching and improving me. I am thankful for those brief moments when I get so absorbed in my life...that I forget about H for awhile.
Today, I got home from work and H hadn't been home all day. Never came home after work this morning. Also, I had NO contact with him at all today.
So, I loaded up the kids and headed to our little downtown area to Trick or Treat, all by myself. About a mile from our house, H passes us, headed home.
He calls me and asks where we're headed. Then, he says, "Well, I didn't know we were going to Trick or Treat downtown."
Okay, he asked me about it several times yesterday! The MLC fog stole his memory, I guess.
Anyway, after Trick or Treating, I headed to my sons' football games, where H met up with me.
Here's a couple of odd things.
He said he didn't come home today to sleep because he was "driving around all day." That for the past two weeks, he just can't sleep, no matter what. This is the first time he has really admitted, in any way, that BD #2 has upset him or his routine.
Then, he made sure he told me that he did not go to his hometown (an hour away) where the OW works and lives...he very well may have gone to see if she'd talk to him...but he was adamant in letting me know that he did not do that...
It doesn't matter to me, either way (I'm detaching, ya know?), but usually he would just have not told me any of it. His usual MO is to just hide everything. Instead, he wanted to be sure I knew he didn't go there.
I mentioned that it was ok for him to sleep at his friend's house after work, if he needed to, if he didn't want to come home or was too tired to drive the 30 minutes home. (He was doing often, before BD #2).
He then said, "No. That's nice for you to say, but, definitely not. If I stay at J's house, then we'll just drink too much and that's the only way I'll sleep. I'm not going to be drinking for awhile like that."
Huh?? Since when?
So, he's definitely "thinking" about things. When he really needs to think, he always takes a drive. So, if he drove around a lot today, then he was thinking about stuff.
Then, he's been drinking pretty heavily for the past couple of months and hasn't been hiding it all. I haven't been giving him a hard time about it or anything....but he made the comment that he didn't need to be going to his friend's house to drink.
He was still pretty quiet this evening, but did visit with me about the football games and seemed to enjoy watching the kids play. I only texted him once tonight, at his request, to give him the final score of our oldest son's game.
He's definitely thinking a lot about stuff....I will just have to work hard not to drive myself crazy wondering WHAT he's thinking about!!! And, it's a small victory, but for 2 WHOLE days, I've been pretty dim. Go, me! Lol.
Angela, good job keeping it dim. He is definitely thinking. It is still pretty fresh with OW situation, so it will probably be weird for some time. Keep working on you and give him lots of space.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
It DOES sound like he is doing a lot of thinking. I think your H needs LOTS of time to be in his own head, so keep doing what you are doing.
It is funny how we have to keep repeating things to them we have already told them. I find it hard not to have a smirk on my face when I have to repeat, because I find it humorous but don't want to laugh out loud and be insensitive. lol.
Stay on the path of YOU, it seems to be working. It's very interesting when you can actually observe this db working!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
We texted briefly cause our daughter stayed home sick from school (I think she just missed her daddy...'cause she kept asking if he was going to stay home with her...and he is....so good for her to get some "daddy" time). Other than that...no contact.
But, he has NEVER been this quiet, for this long, without being all out mad at me. I almost wish he was mad. This "being quiet" because he's thinking stuff through is making me so anxious inside.
I keep telling myself that I have NO control over what he decides so, therefore, I need to stop worrying and wondering.
He'll decide to leave or he won't....and there's not a d@*n think I can do about it.....and it svcks!!!!
He's definitely thinking a lot about stuff....I will just have to work hard not to drive myself crazy wondering WHAT he's thinking about!!! And, it's a small victory, but for 2 WHOLE days, I've been pretty dim. Go, me! Lol.
Yes, that is the hardest part it seems sometimes, huh?
Dim is hard, it's a dance, sometimes you turn the dimmer up when appropriate, sometimes down. Just have to let them get where they need to get to in their own time and fashion.
But man is it hard! But you know, I would not trade places with my W, ever, through this. Hard as it is for us, it's a horror for them. At least we have a clue about what we are doing, or trying to do, ya know?
And, yes, go you! Say that every hour for the rest of the day...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Dim is hard, it's a dance, sometimes you turn the dimmer up when appropriate, sometimes down. Just have to let them get where they need to get to in their own time and fashion.
That's a good analogy about the dimmer switch...because, at least in my sitch, it wouldn't be beneficial to go totally dark...but I do need to be dim (but not dim-witted...LOL!) sometimes and not-so-dim other times. It's so confusing. Argh!
But you know, I would not trade places with my W, ever, through this. Hard as it is for us, it's a horror for them. At least we have a clue about what we are doing, or trying to do, ya know?
You know, you're right. That's a good way to look at it on days when I feel sorry for myself. At least, I do have a clear mind (mostly) and know what the heck is going on around me. I can't even imagine what our spouses are going through inside their minds.
And, yes, go you! Say that every hour for the rest of the day...
I love PatientMan's quote about being "awesome" on his posts. I'll keep telling myself, "You go, girl...you are AWESOME!" until I believe it! Lol.
I love PatientMan's quote about being "awesome" on his posts. I'll keep telling myself, "You go, girl...you are AWESOME!" until I believe it! Lol.
It's guaranteed to work 83% of the time.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
