OK, I'm pretty new at this DBing thing myself (only about 4 weeks in), but I can tell you that nooooo, you should not talk about the changes you have made. The point is that you are making changes for yourself, not him. And, he needs to notice them on his own. Talk is cheap. Keep up with your actions. I would not have given him the book, either, but it's too late for that.
Do get some coaching - it has been very helpful for me. But, you have to do what your coach tells you to do! If you don't, you are just wasting your money.
How do you have happy, positive conversations? Well, do NOT talk about your M, your future, nothing of the sort. Talk about him. Talk about something about yourself that makes you happy. If you have to, fake it.
How do you avoid the same conversation you have had already? Don't have it again. Just don't.
You said it yourself - he doesn't want to talk about the future. So don't. Don't talk about anything having to do with your relationship or the future unless he brings it up.
Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? I think you need to read those and commit them to memory. I have read them many times and when I am feeling emotional or like this is hard, I remember what I am doing here and I reread those rules. I think it is a sticky in the Newcomers forum. Don't pick and choose which ones to follow. Follow them ALL.
By the way, why do you think this M is viable? It's not. Obviously it isn't, or you wouldn't be where you are now. The M, in the state it is/was in, is not viable. Better to kiss it goodbye, and hope for something better in the future. Agree with him. Yeah, this M [censored]. I don't want it this way either. I want it to be better. I'm making these changes and doing the work I need to do on me, for myself - no matter what happens. I'd love for you to join me.
Don't argue with him about whether you cared about him - make sure he knows his feelings are valid. I'm sorry, I obviously didn't let you know enough, or in the right way, how much I do care.
I have no help re: the OW . . . but I am sure many of the great members of this community will help you on that front!
Good luck. Follow the rules, and hang in there!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
