Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[TSquared2]

I am justifiably furious about what she has done. I don't believe MLC is a disease or a medical psychosis.

I'm going to disagree with you there. I am 2 years into this "worse" phase of my W's mlc, 4-5 total. I have a degree and real life counseling experience from an earlier career, okay?

In the early days when I snooped hard (and my current career makes snooping a rather trivial exercise, btw), and through this W has left out her notes/journal in the open quite often. This is one advantage/disadvantage of having an in-house mlc'er...Let me say this, and clearly: There is a TON of pain, confusion and anger in the mlc'ers head...amazing amounts, SCARY amounts...and when I was snooping was the time she was all acting wonderfully happy, etc on the outside. Wouldn't you act happy if you thought you had found the "solution" to escape from all the turmoil, pain in your mind?

Thing is, since she has moved out in your sitch, you don't have the easy ability to get glimpses of what is going on in her head, right? You are making a lot of assumptions there. You're an engineer, right? What happens when you make faulty assumptions, or don't have NEARLY enough info to make a reasonable premise????

Hm?

I get your anger, shame and all...been there, felt all that, hard. My ego was battered bruised and self-righteous as all h3ll. W's PA was with a 32 year old married douchebag, and the online EA's and boy toys? The dozens of boy toys? From 19-60 years old...she was/is 45-46... Okay? Good enough for you?

I am going to be blunt...you need to work on your ego, big time. And I don't mean the "self-esteem" ego, I mean the ego that we all have that defends us from hurt, pain out in te world. Because THAT is who I hear in your posts. The anger, the self-righteousness, the "punisher"...all ego.

Is that who you are?

Yes, she is wrong in what she is doing. Guess what? Deep inside somewhere she knows it too. She is running from it, it's too painful. I have watched the process right up close with my W in the house, trust me...it's there. I have watched my W go from denial/running, to realizing that it is within her the problem lives, and there also the solution. It's gradual, because it is terrifying to them. And FEAR extinguishes logic...you know this, as your posts show your FEAR. And I get that, we all get that here, we've been there, or are there.

Please go through JF's thread and read the posts from Mach and Truegritter, and AJ...they would be useful to you. I hope they find their way here for you. They, and many others like Bond, J3B, etc got me on track, reading the archives, of their sitches, their posts to others. They helped me see past MY EGO and get LOGIC back in the process in my head. Logic works.

But you are free to believe whatever you want, just as your W is. It is safe to stay in the anger, judgement. It's easy, and socially acceptable. Comfortable even, perhaps, in a twisted way.

I torn down all my assumptions, pre-concieved ideas and societal norms, tore down MY EGO. I looked in the mirror, a lot. I still always check my premises, like any good engineer/scientist should do. My kids deserve me doing everything I could to give the family the best chance of staying whole. I needed to wipe away the sand in MY eyes and see this from a beginner's mind. I did, and still do. My kids KNOW, I am doing everything possible, they have watched me VERY closely through this.

And my W is still here, and moving, I think, and believe, towards reconciliation, slowly.

I'm going to quote URWorthy from JF's thread, she has seen several MLC's up close, including her own H's. She has quite a bit of experience in this, and you should (re)read Job's threads in Cadet's initial welcome post to you.

THe feelings you are having are all normal. You are grieving and going through all the phases of that. It is important that you feel them all. Then when you are ready, let them go.

You dont want to get stuck in any one phase for too long.

So, you are not liking your wife right now. Understandable. But here's the thing. If you believe she is in crisis, then, it is good to try to find compassion. She is going back to that little girl whose mother left and who's father didnt accept her. She didnt learn all the coping skills she needed back then. She has to go back and figure it out before she can close the door on it.

Trust me, you would not want to be in her head. But that doesnt mean she gets a free pass on her actions. Those are hers to own.

People often misunderstand detaching. It doesnt mean you dont love her or you are abandoning her. It means you love her so much you are willing to let her go. That is the ultimate act of love.

It also means that you are honoring your long term marriage and the mother of your children by allowing let her walk her journey. Your job is to get out of the way.

I know your w is very angry. And since you are the closest person to her, you are the one she is going to target. She thinks if she can just get rid of you, then she will be happy. It isnt until she looks within that she will realize it is her.

It is important that you continue to do the work on you. You have children watching you. You need to show them how to handle life's tough spots with strength and courage.