Well, it's been a few months since I have last checked in here so thought I would pop in with an update.
Things were up and down for awhile and then they just were down. Long story short, I was becoming the receptacle for all of the anger my H had for his father, for his unhappiness in life, for everything that I had together that he just didn't. He was resentful, irrational and could be mean. And I was done.
I was done being the doormat, done walking on eggshells, done being the chameleon to keep him happy. It was killing me. I was stressed, depressed, exhausted and no longer felt anywhere close to the person I used to be. So, I asked for a period of no contact. And, I felt 25 pounds lift off of my shoulders. I no longer had to worry about him or make sure he was ok or be afraid to breath wrong. I was FINALLY detached from this codependant cycle we were living. I missed him at times, but I didn't miss the emotional stressors that had been dictating my life.
We had tried a period of trial separation previously, but I knew I wasn't ready then. I was anxious about him and other women, anxious about him leaving, anxious about everything really. But, I had finally reached a place where I didn't care anymore because I had totally lost myself within this challenge to save my marriage. Now, if he chooses to take a different path, that's on him and it was better for me to be out then stuck spinning in the 'what if's". Now, i am truly living my own life and I am finding happiness again. I'm remembering who I am.
We had our first joint counseling session this week since we went no contact and, I walked in feeling one way and left reconsidering things. I was really ready to end things at this session, with enough distance and clarity that it brought, I had decided to choose my health and happiness finally. I was expecting more of the same from my H when we went. But I was completely thrown for a loop.
Sitting next to me was a man on the path to truly finding himself and truly understanding how I had felt and what I deserved in life, and how he had not provided that for the past two years. He had joined a group for families of those who had committed suicide and it appears he has finally found his center, clarity and realized all of the crazy feelings he was having were normal and there were others who could relate. He has been asked by the group to become a counselor for others and it really seemed to be something that was helping him find his rational self again.
At this session, I finally said all the things that I had been holding back for fear of chasing him away. I finally shared all of my needs in a relationship, who I was, how I had lost myself and how that had made me feel. He also finally really heard me. It was truly unexpected.
We are continuing with the NC and have another counseling session scheduled in a month. I was ready to finally walk, but now I am back to sitting tight and not making any decisions. I've seen progress with him before and I've also seen it regress. So, I need to protect myself and keep finding my own way, and then see if our paths were meant to merge again in the future.
I'm proud of him and his growth. But I'm more proud of me for finally recognizing my worth and realizing that the healthiest thing for me was to just finally let go.
