The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

I have to disagree. You can completely detatch when they are home. It is more difficult but not impossible.

It begins with not wondering when or if they will come home. And not worrying if they don’t.

With looking at them as roommates instead of as your H.

With giving yourself permission to live regardless of what they are doing.

It is hard. It gets easier. I know, I did it for years.

Hi cat,

Part of the problem with just being roommates for me is I feel my H already felt that way before BD. So I feel like I either need to fully pull away or do the opposite, which is where I get confused. I remember him saying 'we can just continue to be roommates and co-parent like we have been' shortly after BD.

Pud,

I wish you hadn’t said that. I know it seems innocuous but it was damaging.

Damaging because it is a reminder of the old life. The one he is trying to run from…

MLCer’s try things. They have to. To see how they feel. You will see lots of this sort of stuff I’m sorry to say. And it may hurt at times.

I wish I hadn't said that either because after I said it I realized what it implied. I'm also very accepting that you called me out on it too, because I didn't want to admit it to myself. THANK YOU.

No more boundaries right now unless you want the end result to be a D.

Going dim in your own home does work. Not to change their minds necessarily but to let them begin to see what life is like without you. Additionally, they get to observe you being different. They may comment on it or maybe not.

Honestly, I don’t expect him to bring up moving out right now. He isn’t ready for that yet.

Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless you absolutely cannot live like this. I am not certain that you are there yet.

I keep thinking it is what I want, but then I know I still harbor bad feelings towards him so I know it would not end well at this time if I did set further boundaries.

Pud,

There will be times that you will see situations that are similar to situations that you experienced and it will make you go hmmm…

Because it will make you look at the reality of what your situation was versus what you had wished it to be.

Your H, may have been giving you all he could. It really is possible.

I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer. The aggressive type. My X, really wanted to hear nothing about it other than what were they going to do…

In ways, I wish he had been more supportive throughout it. In ways, I am extremely glad he wasn’t. Because I had to make my plans and decisions without him. And that made me stronger. It caused me to embrace my faith, to get out of my pity party and figure shiat out. For me and my son.

I was lucky, blessed, that it turned out to be contained. I came out the other side of that a much stronger person.

My X, gave me what he could. That was the bottom line and I had to accept that was how he was. It doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not necessarily the type of person I could have spent my entire life with.

I'm sorry to hear you had breast cancer, thank you for sharing that part of your life with me. I had a friend who went through breast cancer, all by herself, and I always admired her strength during this time.

The funny thing is I had told other people that I thought he had done the best that he could during my depression and then I heard this story at work and it hit me again that maybe he didn't. I really need to look at him with more compassion and I am trying, but it is still so hard. So you are absolutely right again that I am not ready. I know I am not yet.

As always, you give me so much to think over.