Did I love her? I don't know if I know how to answer that one anymore. I love the idea of having another person with me. I love her beauty inside and out. I love the fact that we have created a life together. I love that we have a shared history. I love that we have always been friends and friendly with one another. I crave her touch and tenderness. I desire her admiration and adoration.
Duty? I think marriage should be a partnership. Give from both sides to achieve the goal of fulfillment. I did not hold up my end of the partnership in words or actions. I wanted to provide the things that I thought my family needed: money, house, security, etc. Since we got married, there has always been a goal in front of us. Get a house, get a car, have child, have another child, get better job, get better house, etc. Station to station.
Emotionally checked out? Beat you to that one last night on my own. I had a great epiphany last night while running alone. I checked out on her and the kids long before she did. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I was overwhelmed by it.
I know it doesn't matter who is more right at this point. All that matters is me fixing myself and living the life of a man that I want to be the rest of my life.
Love=Making the choice to fulfill someone else's needs. Emotional, physical, and spiritual. It means understanding and caring about what they need even when they may not know it themselves.
A real talk about my job direction 10 years ago would have probably not gone well. If W expressed real concerns about me spending so much time there, I would have been selfish and accused her of standing in the way of my dream. There really was never a "we" talk about my new job.
Future: I want a partnership in which there is caring, understanding, and honesty from both sides about our direction and our own needs.
As far as 5LL, I actually read it before BD. We both took the test and identified our L then. Hers was WOA. I was blown away, and remember asking her if she really needed me to tell her more often how wonderful and beautiful she is. I had assumes AOS because she always wanted me to do more around the house and be more like her dad fixing everything that breaks.
Post BD, we read it together and tested again. Strangely, 2nd time through her LL became QT, AOS, and Gifts equally. Mine was still overwhelmingly PT.
I love hugs and touch with everyone, male and female. I am a big hand shaker, shoulder toucher, head patter, etc. I see that about myself. I love to receive those in return.
I think I see W expressing her love through gifts more often. She loves to shower S12 & S10 with gifts. Every time they do something positive (grades, sports, etc) there is a reward. Every paycheck for us=reward for the boys. I'm not sure if that's how she feels that she secures their love, because the boys always say thank you and give hugs and show appreciation. Or maybe she wants to be showered herself with adoration and gifts.
Scary thought: I may have never really loved her to begin with. She came along at the right time when I needed someone to start my adult life with. She rescued me from a dark place in my life. She nurtured me like she nurtured her brother, her father, and does our kids now. She may have never loved me either. I filled a hole for her just like she filled a void for me. From the very beginning, we may have been going through the motions. Following an established plan:
1-Find a suitable mate in your early 20s 2-Marry, start a life. 3-Find some financial security 4-Have kids 5-Progress in your careers to provide for your kids 6-Find out you aren't really compatible 7-Fall out of love, distract yourself with activities 8-You know the rest
I think I'm going to be sick.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
