So lost and hurt #3

[indigo1]

I have been completely honest with her about everything. I do not get deffensive, I let her know that I understand how she feels and validate what she says.

More drama. She called me a little while ago to inform me that she was upset after our talk and backed into her friends rental car in our driveway and really did some damage. I was busy at work so had to end the call quickly. Unbelievable...

[indigo1]

Question for you experts. The more I think about my talks etc.. with my wife the more I have realized looking back is that the major thing holding her back is the lack of her trust in me. She has brought this up many time how she just does not know if she can ever get the trust back and it scares her. Is it possible for me to build back the trust givin my situation? How do I go about doing this while detaching? Or is it just something that once its gone some people can never open up and let you back in?

[indigo1]

Well I had a great night. First stop I get a flat tire and have to have the W come get my D. I swear, can anything else go wrong.

[indigo1]

Start of a new day. Yesterday was pretty tough, I was annoyed at work and the the one thing I was looking forward to went to crap. Also W informed me that her friends rental company will not take the car back for some reason unless they get $500 to cover their deductable. She hit me with how she is gonna have to pay because it was her fault and she does not have the money. Sort of giving me a sob story expecting me to offer help is how I took it. Should I help? Or does W need to realize we are not together and let reality really set in? I don't want to open the door to her trying to take advantage of me every time she gets in a tough spot with money. We already have a set amount of money I'm giving her based on what my child support will be if it ends in D.

I want to help out, but do not want to give the wrong impression I guess is what I'm trying to say. What to you guys think? I'm out here trying to survive on my own as well, it's not like I'm a millionaire.

[MrBond]

"Question for you experts. The more I think about my talks etc.. with my wife the more I have realized looking back is that the major thing holding her back is the lack of her trust in me. She has brought this up many time how she just does not know if she can ever get the trust back and it scares her. Is it possible for me to build back the trust givin my situation?"

Yes it is. HOWEVER, your W has no right to blame that solely on you. You broke her trust by talking to another woman. I get it. But let's face it, she wasn't perfect herself right? True communication can only take place when both people have looked at themselves and agree to break down those walls between them and just talk to one another with the knowledge that they aren't getting judged. The accident is a prime example. She blamed YOU. Yet she was the one driving. Next time she says something like that, stop her from talking and 1) ask if she's okay, 2) tell her that you're sorry she got into an accident 3) tell her that it was her fault for the accident and not yours because she was behind the wheel. Then end it.

"How do I go about doing this while detaching? Or is it just something that once its gone some people can never open up and let you back in?"

She'll let you back in, but only slowly. Think of it as an emotional wall she's built up and you're like a wave hitting that wall. The more you pursue and try to get her to talk or open up, the more fortifications she puts onto the wall. Instead, become like water and look for cracks in the wall. Slowly work your way through them and eventually the wall crumbles and comes down.

[indigo1]

Thank you mrbond. You always give great insight to my issues. Reading that has quickly change my mindset for the day. What W is calling a string of bad luck (sick,pink eye, accident with her face, accident with her car etc...) I see as a sign from a higher power. Everything has been going wrong for her ever since she kicked me out. Unfortunately I cannot make her see that.

As far as helping her out with the money for the accident she had what do you think? She said that if she has to pay it she wont even have money to buy groceries. I dont know how she is broke though. We have only been sepatated for two months. I have given her $2,000 in that time. Let her keep two tax returns that totaled over $2,000 and I know what she makes. She must just be blowing money on going out and stuff like that because the math certainly does not add up.

[Pudmuddle]

Maybe the vets will say differently but I think she needs to have a taste of what it will be like to have to figure things out for herself. However, if she were to ask for money for groceries that would be different in my opinion as this affects your D as well.

I'm glad to see you are really looking into yourself and learning about you. That is a huge step, keep up the good stuff.

[cat04]

My question is simple...

Do you even have the money to give her?

What she is doing with her money isn't your problem and this really isn't your problem to fix.

Tell her you are sorry, you simply don't have it. She will figure out another way.

[indigo1]

Do I have the money for the $500 deductable yes. But like you said we are not together so I feel she needs to know I'm not going to be there to bail her out everytime she needs help. If it comes down to not being able to buy groceries, obviously I'm going to give her money for that because it directly effects my D. My deal would be yes I'll give you money for groceries, but we are going to walmart together and I will pay so I know thats where the money is going.

Money was another one of the problems with our R. Wife is a spender and I'm a saver. This did cause trouble sometimes in our M. We had seperate checking accounts the entire time and I payed more than my share of the bills. I should have been better where that was concerned, but we never had to worry if something unexpected came up because I had money saved.

That is why I'm struggling with if I should help her out or not. It would be a 180 for sure to show her that I'm not hording money, but like I said I feel she needs to realize that we are not together and she is on her own. URRRR so confusing!!!!

[CharlieBrown]

indigo,

Sorry for what you are going through. My two sense is that I agree that it is unfair to blame you for the accident when she was driving and that giving her the $500 will equal you accepting blame in her mind. But, in your situation, you have talked about one of your faults in your marriage was a lack of compassion and being there for her emotionally. Again, just my opinion, but if you were to say to her "I am sorry you got into an accident and is in a pinch, if you need some money for groceries to carry you through, let me know, I don't want you and D to go hungry" it might be seen as a positive sign that you care. Also, I wouldn't throw in that you have to be with her when she buys them if you are trying to restore trust. Trust given is trust gained...

CB