Reality of our marriage. Where things really began to change for us for me is very clear: 10 years ago with the birth of our second child. This coincided with me taking a new job with more time, more responsibility, more money, further away from home, etc. Things really changed and began to deteriorate at that point. Because of my job and my dedication to the job, W became a single mother for several months during the year. She then became responsible for the caring of 2 kids on her own during that time. Caring for 1 was new and exciting for us, but 2 meant so much more work. I was only there for her and the boys part time during a part of the year. Our relationship began the road to lack of intimacy and communication as it drifted further apart in every sense of the word.
Would you say that you loved her then ??
Or did this feel more like an obligation that you had to fulfill ???
Your "duty" as a Husband ?
Or because you wanted to protect them, and provide for them ???
It's okay to say both here, I just want you to see the two sides, and how that must have appeared to her.
Keep in mind that whilst you may have SAID the right things. Your ACTIONS were way different.
You stand, and say that she ran away from the marriage.
Her words might say that YOU were the one who abandoned the Marriage (emotionally) first....
Who is MORE right ???
Does it matter now ???
What would you say, is the difference between Love and Obligation ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
In the beginning, W was really interested in my new job and there was some early talk about us moving closer. I was blinded by my own ambition to have a better job and responsibility and to "be someone" that I never really took the time to ask if this was the right thing for our family, especially at that time. W showed support for my desire, and never stood in the way, but as a family, we never really talked about it.
What would that have looked like ???
How do you want that to look in the future ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
During the last 10 years I have attempted to talk to W about our lack of intimacy and closeness. One particular talk we had when we were out on an anniversary date was about who she was. She had taken on the role of nurturer for so long that she didn't even know who she was anymore. She was only Mrs.___ or Mommy. I longed to have the beautiful, vivacious, outgoing woman that I fell in love with back. I felt like I had an understanding of where she was at with these roles, but was less than willing to accept my role in creating them.
During several of these R talks years ago, W seemed to only believe that I was requesting more sex. I love ML, but I tried to articulate to her that I desired more hugs, holding hands, and general physical closeness. I now understand now that my #1 love language is physical touch. I also believe that is the case because there was very little of that in my house growing up. I didn't receive lots of hugs and ILY's when I was growing up. For years, I failed to grasp why I desired physical touch so much. If I could have spoken clearly to W instead of sounding like I was complaining or requesting her to change, I could have helped her to understand my needs.
You speak of the 5LL here, and what your LL is.
What is hers ?
Did you even know about the LL's before this ?
The problem that I have ALWAYS had with the 5LL book, is that the LBS tends to read it shortly after the bomb, and it hurts like hell. It reads as another on a long list of failures that the LBS has incurred.
IF the LBS is going to read the 5LL, then I suggest re-reading it again in a few months, and see just how differently it comes across then.
Another thing, is that how we feel love, is not necessarily the same way that we GIVE love.
You say that you feel love by PT. How do you SHOW love ???
AOS ?
WOA ?
QT?
Gifts ?
Know how you give and receive love first, then you will understand more of your actions.
Take a glance at both sides for her as well, just don't dwell on it too much.
She did the best that she could, the same as you did.....
Originally Posted By: JFun51
We've spent the last few years becoming chauffeurs for our children to and from ball practice, to and from school, to and from birthday parties, etc. W has been the primary runner and caretaker of our children. She has always been the mothering type, but I did nothing to help along the way. I would run kids when I could. I have coached my boys ball teams every year. I have done my share of housework and most of the yardwork. However, I have never really spent the time honoring W for sacrificing herself and her own personal existence and her own personal needs for the sake of our family. Valentines Days and anniversaries have become routines for us. Nothing special.
I have a hard time remembering the last time W said ILY without me saying it first. I cannot remember the last time she initiated any physical contact (hug, kiss, hand holding, ML). I am very aware of these things, even keeping score of them all. In turn, I'm sure that she cannot remember the last time I went out of the way to say a heartfelt thank you for things that she has done on a daily basis. I'm sure she can't remember the last time I asked her about her day without quickly moving onto my day. I'm sure she can't remember the last time that I went out and planned a date for us, getting a sitter for the boys and everything. I know she can't remember, because I can't either.
Guilt is just as good of a reason as any, to START your stand....
It is a great motivator ...
Eventually, you are gonna see this differently...
And I will leave this alone for now..
Although I want you to recognize what your feelings are now
And at least be honest about that part. We all do it....
