Reality of our marriage. Where things really began to change for us for me is very clear: 10 years ago with the birth of our second child. This coincided with me taking a new job with more time, more responsibility, more money, further away from home, etc. Things really changed and began to deteriorate at that point. Because of my job and my dedication to the job, W became a single mother for several months during the year. She then became responsible for the caring of 2 kids on her own during that time. Caring for 1 was new and exciting for us, but 2 meant so much more work. I was only there for her and the boys part time during a part of the year. Our relationship began the road to lack of intimacy and communication as it drifted further apart in every sense of the word.
In the beginning, W was really interested in my new job and there was some early talk about us moving closer. I was blinded by my own ambition to have a better job and responsibility and to "be someone" that I never really took the time to ask if this was the right thing for our family, especially at that time. W showed support for my desire, and never stood in the way, but as a family, we never really talked about it.
During the last 10 years I have attempted to talk to W about our lack of intimacy and closeness. One particular talk we had when we were out on an anniversary date was about who she was. She had taken on the role of nurturer for so long that she didn't even know who she was anymore. She was only Mrs.___ or Mommy. I longed to have the beautiful, vivacious, outgoing woman that I fell in love with back. I felt like I had an understanding of where she was at with these roles, but was less than willing to accept my role in creating them.
During several of these R talks years ago, W seemed to only believe that I was requesting more sex. I love ML, but I tried to articulate to her that I desired more hugs, holding hands, and general physical closeness. I now understand now that my #1 love language is physical touch. I also believe that is the case because there was very little of that in my house growing up. I didn't receive lots of hugs and ILY's when I was growing up. For years, I failed to grasp why I desired physical touch so much. If I could have spoken clearly to W instead of sounding like I was complaining or requesting her to change, I could have helped her to understand my needs.
W has told me during the last 3 months since BD that she fell in love with me because of my big heart and that I accepted her with all of her faults. I also accepted her family as they were with no judgement. In the last few years, as our marriage has turned into "going through the motions," i have became less involved and less excited about spending time around MIL and FIL. Family is super important to W, but was never to me. I never lived around extended family, my parents D happened in 1995 (6 months before we got married), F died of cancer in 2007 and he and I never really reconciled our relationship after he and M both remarried. To say that W and I have different views of family is an understatement.
We've spent the last few years becoming chauffeurs for our children to and from ball practice, to and from school, to and from birthday parties, etc. W has been the primary runner and caretaker of our children. She has always been the mothering type, but I did nothing to help along the way. I would run kids when I could. I have coached my boys ball teams every year. I have done my share of housework and most of the yardwork. However, I have never really spent the time honoring W for sacrificing herself and her own personal existence and her own personal needs for the sake of our family. Valentines Days and anniversaries have become routines for us. Nothing special.
I have a hard time remembering the last time W said ILY without me saying it first. I cannot remember the last time she initiated any physical contact (hug, kiss, hand holding, ML). I am very aware of these things, even keeping score of them all. In turn, I'm sure that she cannot remember the last time I went out of the way to say a heartfelt thank you for things that she has done on a daily basis. I'm sure she can't remember the last time I asked her about her day without quickly moving onto my day. I'm sure she can't remember the last time that I went out and planned a date for us, getting a sitter for the boys and everything. I know she can't remember, because I can't either.
Enough for now.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
