I think it's hard, in our own way, to have the MLCer at home because it DOES feel normal, sometimes. We start feeling like life is "normal"...our H is at home, acting like a "normal" person for a bit...and then, we just wait for the next bomb drop. We can't ever really completely detach or move on because our H is right there...sometimes right next to us. There, but not really there.
I have to disagree. You can completely detatch when they are home. It is more difficult but not impossible.
It begins with not wondering when or if they will come home. And not worrying if they don’t.
With looking at them as roommates instead of as your H.
With giving yourself permission to live regardless of what they are doing.
It is hard. It gets easier. I know, I did it for years.
Originally Posted By: Pud
Today he came home and he seemed overly happy again. I think he must've recharged somewhere, OW or something else. He then went downstairs and came back up wearing a Where's Waldo costume saying 'ok you guys ready for tonight?' and laughing. I have to admit it looked good on him and it was funny as both son and I laughed. But I said 'I have been trying for YEARS to get you to dress up!' and I have. Halloween used to be one of my fave holidays and I could ever get him to dress up...he couldn't make fun of himself or just have fun with it. Now he has a costume? I kind of felt crushed about this. Sigh.
Pud,
I wish you hadn’t said that. I know it seems innocuous but it was damaging.
Damaging because it is a reminder of the old life. The one he is trying to run from…
MLCer’s try things. They have to. To see how they feel. You will see lots of this sort of stuff I’m sorry to say. And it may hurt at times.
Originally Posted By: Pud
This MLC stuff [censored]. I feel like I should lay down some boundaries again. He still has made no mention of moving out. I admit I'm lucky that I don't have an MLC'er that spews venomous things but this quiet behavior [censored] almost as bad! I'm so very confused about how he doesn't seem to miss me. Going dim while in your own home just doesn't seem to work.
No more boundaries right now unless you want the end result to be a D.
Going dim in your own home does work. Not to change their minds necessarily but to let them begin to see what life is like without you. Additionally, they get to observe you being different. They may comment on it or maybe not.
Honestly, I don’t expect him to bring up moving out right now. He isn’t ready for that yet.
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless you absolutely cannot live like this. I am not certain that you are there yet.
Originally Posted By: Pud
Then I remembered a convo some of us had with a guy at work about his W. He was talking about how tired he was because his W has major depression issues, anxiety attacks and was suicidal at one point. But the thing that got me was that he was there to support her, he was involved with his W's therapist and had done research on depression and supported his W fully through this. I told him how amazing I thought it was that he was still there to support her because it's hard for the spouse just as much.
This made me really sad because my H wasn't there through my depression and didn't attempt to try and understand it. It was like he gave up even wanting to help understand me. I was bad but not nearly as bad as this guy's W, but still going through one of the hardest times in my life. This makes me extremely sad that H didn't care enough...
Pud,
There will be times that you will see situations that are similar to situations that you experienced and it will make you go hmmm…
Because it will make you look at the reality of what your situation was versus what you had wished it to be.
Your H, may have been giving you all he could. It really is possible.
I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer. The aggressive type. My X, really wanted to hear nothing about it other than what were they going to do…
In ways, I wish he had been more supportive throughout it. In ways, I am extremely glad he wasn’t. Because I had to make my plans and decisions without him. And that made me stronger. It caused me to embrace my faith, to get out of my pity party and figure shiat out. For me and my son.
I was lucky, blessed, that it turned out to be contained. I came out the other side of that a much stronger person.
My X, gave me what he could. That was the bottom line and I had to accept that was how he was. It doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not necessarily the type of person I could have spent my entire life with.
The thing that will happen as this whole MLC thing progresses…
Eventually, it will become less about if your H chooses to return and try to reconcile the M, and more about if YOU will want to reconcile the M if he wants to come home.
If you truly do the work on you, which you have only just begun, take off the rose colored glasses (regarding H and yourself), and begin to figure out what you want for your life, how you want to be, what sort of people you want in your life…
You begin to realize that maybe, just maybe, you want something different and this isn’t as horrible as you think it is right now.
You might lose the dream of remaining M until “death do you part” and that is sad.
During one of the hardest times in my situation I read something that spoke to me.
I was beginning to question my faith because I felt God wasn’t answering my prayers, and that was strange for me because my faith had always been very strong…
It was along the lines that even when we think God isn’t hearing us, isn’t answering our prayers, He is. Just not necessarily in the way WE think they should be answered.
And to trust…
You may be seeing some different behaviors and reactions from your H. That happens along the journey.
It could mean something or nothing. Just work on acceptance. And patience.
Patience is a virtue and it is something that many of us must learn.
When you begin to learn your lessons, you will begin to find your answers.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
