NLW I think you should continue what you are doing and not wonder about the why's of exH just yet. You are the same with or without him. So keep being that wonderful NLW and let what is want to be happen.... While enjoying the meals of course!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Ya, well, when H was still with (or hoping to be back with) MG, we had negotiated us switching places on a certain night that I had class. He said "Oh." If it was another night, MG saw her kids that night and wouldn't be around anyway...
Too bad for you, buddy, you offered!!
This is just to say anytime that H did things with us(or kids) when he was with MG, I knew darn well it was because she wasn't around to be with him....so I get it.
Just enjoy the food ;), I would say the company but.....
I enjoy seeing him and talking to him and us all being together as a family.
And I like going out to dinner - something that I've not been able to afford to do for more than 2 years now.
I especially like having big meals provided for the kids. And not having to cook for us all for at least one night of the week... But then, if that was all there was to it, there'd be no need for me to go.
I don't like the awkward atmosphere that is more often present than not.
I feel like I'm being fake - too gushy; desperate to find something neutral and agreeable to talk about.
I don't feel like i'm overtly pursuing him, but I think that my motivation for going is in large part to make him miss us and want to come back.
Not sure any more that I'd be willing to take him back as he still is. But I want him to want to come back. And I think that's part of why I go.
Frankly, though, a free meal in my lingering financial situation is no small thing so, as silly as this sounds, this is a really big part of why i want to go.
Like I think I said some time ago, feelings, or consideration of what I enjoy, don't really come into it when you are focussed primarily on how to get food on the table day after day. A big hunk of steak (X3) and a beer (not to mention dessert) carries a lot of weight with me these days.
The day the WAS leaves is the day that they no longer holds the cards. Unfortunately it takes the LBS varying degrees of time to recognize this.
You do and you know what is worth time and energy in your life. So ya, a big hunk of beef rates up there. So does "my life is awesome, so if you want to be part of it, it's on my time and my emotion and because I want to."
I know you will filtre what you have to and come up with what is good for you.
If it's awkward, try letting someone else fill a silence. When I am nervous, omg, I talk!!! LOL
Now I have learned silence is good, although difficult. I get to hear much more than I previously had, because before I was trying so hard to come up with the next line, you know?
This is my first post on your thread, but I have spent several hours over the last few days reading your "cake eating" threads - ALL 15 OF THEM! Maybe I'm the only one to have done that - giving me quite the unique perspective! I'll say first off that I never understood the whole fascination with soap operas - but what I have read in 150 or so pages of posts about your situation is just unreal.
A few brief observations because I don't have much time to write unfortunately. Your XH has completely detached from reality. Whether it is something neurological, or MLC, or whatever - the reality is that whoever you married no longer exists.
Also, being two years out from BD, I worry for your continued inability to detach as well, especially from the OW. She has a huge influence on you. Is there any way to just decide to let go of her? Maybe imagine scenarios where you might see her (the concerts, supermarket, etc.) and then pre-decide in your mind how you will handle that if it occurs? You sound very classy - but your interactions with her are definitely, to use one of your old illustrations, Jerry Springer.
I say this for you. I want you to be No Longer Wretched, even when the buttons are pushed.
The most recent development, the weekly dinner as a family "proposal" from XH - be careful. There is a good chance it is a mixture of manipulation and just his own selfish needs. Manipulation - I will bet that some of what could come out in court regarding his handling of financial situations could bring about severe legal consequences for him. Selfish Needs - every day with the OW will increasingly show him that his unhappiness was not your fault. There is an emptiness that nothing will fill. He is returning to the family, partially to try and fill that. Unfortunately, that is a lot of pressure. A wife and kids cannot be the only source of happiness for a H. It has to come from within. And that doesn't exist for your XH.
Until he shows some kind of personal growth or major change (not just coming around again once a week), I would continue to NC him with some major boundaries.
Another Stander and Bustorama (as well as Brooklyn and labug) have given you great advice these two years. I am new here, so that's all I will say for now. Except for one more thing - one thing I am learning is that DBing is something we do even if the M fails. It is designed to help us continue our lives in a greater way than we lived them before, without or with our WAS's. Your XH is am,ost certainly deranged half the time - but I'm sure there are still those 180s you can make to better yourself.
You are one of the unsung heroes of the world. You didn't ask to be - but reading your situation has given me motivation to keep DBing, to keep 180ing, and to keep going. Keep it up!
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
S4tk, Thanks so much for your post - and wow... you read it all!
You know, it helps to hear you say it all sounds unreal... it still feels a bit that way to me.
I hear you when you say I don't sound detached. I'm trying, and I think I am a lot better than I used to be, but i've still a long way to go, I know.
In relation to OW, I think I have come along in leaps and bounds, however. I used to blow up when i saw her smirking face, but now i just ignore her when she shows up with XH to my kids' school events and at court. I like to think of how she doesn't know what she's gotten herself into with XH. She has no idea of his financial situation, nor of the legal problems he is going to face.
I take your point about caution over the 'family' dinners. The kids and I have been burnt so many times that we just treat these meetings as opportunities to get some food or money. Sounds awful, i know, but we try to do it with politeness and dignity (if you can imagine what that might be like!). Still waiting in vain for some sign of personal growth on his part; he seems to remain completely be-fogged by the fantasy he has created.
I still think about what a low-life she is to betray us like this, but I'm not caught up with what the two of them do like I used to be.
Thanks for the cheer-leading too, but i certain don't feel like a hero - more like a bit of a fool, who only gets things through her obstinate and self-obssessed head when it's too late to change.
I'm thankful for the opportunities for insight that this dreadful sitch has offered up, and I will definitely keep going!
It's the day of the big race here (horses, that is).
In the past, XH and I made a big thing of going out to an event or at least having a day at home with champagne and great food, while watching on TV.
This year it's just me and D17 who is on swat vac for her final exams.
She gets a text at 11am from XH: "Shall i come over with food (from our family's favourite bakery) for lunch?
She says yes but as she's just woken up, could he come at say 1 or 1.30pm?
No, he says, he'll be here in 30 mins.
Then it dawns on me. He's going to a big race-day celebration lunch (probably one that her school holds as a fund-raiser taking OW with him) and he feels guilty. So, we get a food offering before-hand to assuage his guilt.
It's a pattern that has been repeating since the start of this.
Sure enough, he turns up in OW's Merc convertible (indicating she's not at work today) and he's wearing his best suit.
A pie, a pastie, and a cream bun for me and D17, and then he's off, seeming really skittish. Asks me if I'm still OK for dinner this Thursday night. Oh yeah, OK, I say, absently, not looking up from one of the early races of the carnival that's showing on TV.
Just talked to a new friend I made - she is in a service that i've needed to use because of being left by H - and she reached out to help because she's been through the same with her H.
anyway...She just told me that it was 5 years to the day last Saturday that she found out about her H's affair.
He did the whole walk away - with a new, younger, crappier, OW, leaving my Friend and her 2 young kids (14 & 15) as if they had never existed.
He built a new home with OW, and pretty much had no contact with my friend and their kids for 5 years.
Then, last Sat night, she hears a knock on her door at 12.30am.
It's her H. He's crying, saying he misses her and the kids and wants to come home.
She was FLOORED.
No contact for 5 years, very little in the way of child support, and so on. And here he is. He'd been drinking, she said, but was not totally drunk.
Said he missed being able to talk to her. Missed his house; didn't like the new one he had to live in, wanted desperately to know if the kids would consider having anything to do with him again. Said she was right and he'd been so wrong to leave them. Begged her to take him back.
She told him to go home and that he'd made his bed. Said she had a brief thought to put her arms around him - as he was so pathetic, but that she remained steadfast.
He left, she went back to bed. At 1.30pm, she hears a knocking on her bedroom window. it's him again, begging to talk.
She went to the door and talked. She showed him a pic on her phone of what their 20-year old D and 19-yo son now look like. But did not let him in. Basically, she has moved on.
Next morning her kids begged her not to let him come back.
