Nit, It could be that your wife is, in fact, testing you. Seeing if your temper control is just a ruse to get her back. Proving to herself that she really should leave you. As I wrote before- control your reaction! Don't slip up and make her case for her!
Why would your wife not tell you what was wrong before? Well, some wives think that you should know and that if they have to tell you, well........... More likely, however, is that your wife didn't like the way you reacted when she told you how she felt. You may have invalidated her feelings ("you shouldn't feel that way", "you're overreacting"), pouted and got your feelings hurt (ie: made it about you), became disrespectful ("look, it's easy, here's how you fix it", implying she's not as smart as you), or any number of other things. Look there first. Think back to some of the things you each said during arguments of the past. Chances are, at some point or another, she's told you why she doesn't like your reactions. Try to recall what she complained about.
You haven't listed what your wife's greatest emotional needs are. What are they? Conversation? Admiration? Affection? You can't meet them if you don't know what they are. Remember that ANY interaction is an opportunity to fill her love tank- even if only a drop at a time. It's also an opportunity to empty her tank with bad behavior. Remember that. The goal is to fill it up as much as possible. The needs of conversation can be done over the phone, or with pleasant emails or texts. Many people fall in love with folks they have never met in person by chatting on-line or on the phone. Don't underestimate meeting a need for great conversation! If you are unsure what "great conversation" means, look it up on the Internet or read a book! Almost all of her needs can be met (at least enough to get her to soften) without actually being in front of her.
