My husband took my Divorce Busting book with him when he went home last weekend. I had said I had been doing reading about divorce and the pain it can cause.He thinks trying with the marriage will just cause him pain- hence the conversation. He only comes here on weekends, originally due to work.Not sure what would be happening if he still lived here fulltime, though he has left all his clothes and possessions here, still sleeps in our bed.
I have worked hard this week not to be needy and clingy ( I was before) I have left the contact up to him. I can't see a problem if he has read about the strategy in the book. I think he will see I am trying to work on myself and give him space. My difficulty is with trying to show how I am making positive changes to myself rather than talking about the marriage and trying to solve its problems, keeping communications light and happy when I can see he is anxious and stressed and wants to talk. Every conversation is strained and unnatural. Is this how it normally is?
It is like the purple elephant in the room no one is mentioning. He would like me to agree with him that the marriage is not viable. I do not want to do that as it is not what I believe. I have tried to affirm his right to hold his view but stay true to my own but that seems to make him very stressed. He has expressed that he did not feel like I cared about him so I am not sure that saying you do not have to come here is a message I want to give. This has only been the work of a few weeks 29th of September so I guess anything can happen. He has stayed away 2 weekends , including this one. He has started an affair with a colleague. She is still living with her family I don't know and really don't think I need to know how that is working, though he was telling me !
The question : How do I do happy positive conversation in this situation. I am feeling more positive about managing this thanks to the forum. I am going to get some coaching. I am not giving up but have accepted I can not control anyone else except me. Should I talk about the changes I have made ( I think not , seems fake). How do I avoid the same conversation we have had already. He does not seem to be in a place in his mind to organise the future and did not have any thoughts about what to do. As one of his issues with me was that I was always organising him, I am working on not being that sort of person in any of my relationships so he is on his own with this. The advice from this forum really helps Thanks
