After my first failed attempt to post my introduction, here is my second attempt. I am new to posting but have been watching this website since I discovered it in May. After reading many of the posts regarding the MLC and WAS, to which I could have signed my name to many (look at 30yearsover post just above!!! I could cut and paste some of her lines into my sitch!!!!) , and after seeing the consistently good advice, I decided to take the plunge and log in and become active. On one hand I feel good that I am not alone in all this craziness, but on the other hand it's sad to think there is so much pain and heartache being experienced by so many people. I hope I can find some comfort and peace here.My sitch - see signature for the generalities. Details - my best friend, lover, and what I thought was my rock of a husband decided he doesn't want to be married any more. Feels like his life hasn't turned out the way he thought it would (welcome to reality my friend), doesn’t know who he is, and thinks we'd be better as friends. Says he didn’t want to hurt me and was a coward for not telling me sooner. Sound familiar???? Said there was no OW, would be easier if there was, made a mistake . . . etc – you all know the lyrics. Sure, we had some difficult issues in our marriage, but we were always a team and I thought we just were experiencing some ‘bad times’ in our marriage –nothing we couldn’t overcome. Over the last 4 or 5 years he has seen me through some pretty major life changes; menopause, loss of a great job situation (felt like a divorce),loss of my father, and the granddaddy of them all, breast cancer of which I am two years out from my last dose of nasty chemotherapy. And you never saw a better husband through all this, or so I was lead to believe. Said in the initial DB he had been ‘checked out’ for the last 4 or 5 years and that I should have seen the signs and signals. Ironically, we had been seeing a MC both as individuals and a couple for the last 4 or 5 years to deal with our issues. Even the MC didn’t see this coming-was shocked. As well as family, friends, and neighbors. H gets an Oscar for his performance. Two hours after H DB, said he couldn't stay home and went to be with his family about 250 miles away, leaving me to deal with it for a week with limited support (he has a large family). Since then he has never fully returned home. I have been working out of town about 3 ˝ days a week for the last year (not a permanent sitch), so during this time he’d stay at our home while I was gone then find other places to stay when I returned home. In mid-May he removed his wedding ring but said he was not intending to start dating. Having the summer off, he spent it with his family/friends. Phone calls/texts, mostly initiated by me, have been nothing but business and very polite. H did start seeing an IC (recommended by our MC) before the summer and resumed upon returning in August. H agreed to meet with me and our MC a week after returning from summer break to talk about where we were in all this. We met outside the MC office and had a nice chat. Hugs upon arrival. In office, H said he did a lot of soul searching and realized he is really ‘F’d up’, that I married a ‘freak’ and he was sorry to have dragged me along for so long on this journey, and would not consider trying to make one last attempt to save our marriage. That if it would make me happy he would come back but he would be miserable – and then asked if I would I want that? What a loaded question. Says it has nothing to do with me. It’s all him. Told him then to send me the divorce papers – he said we didn’t have to do that right now. Haven’t heard any more divorce talk since. I’m guessing he has been too busy trying to get himself settled. So I’m waiting for the other shoe (bomb?) to drop. Currently, he rents a house about 5 minutes from our home. We communicate once a week on average (again mostly me). Told me it’s hard for him not to talk to me but also hard to talk to me. Actually had a rare visit with him at his place – talked on phone earlier, he said to stop by. Hug on arrival and a “It’s good to see you”. Hug when I left. Texted him later that day about some business and said it was good to see him too. I have mostly been upbeat and positive but not good at being mysterious. I am working on GAL. I still see our MC once a week. I struggle with not buying into his story, although I agree he has some serious personal issues he needs to deal with based on his emotional display at our meeting. I do believe he still loves me; however, I ‘m afraid his pride will not let him deviate from his decision that divorce is the answer. Tried LRT – started that in May/June when I discovered DR. Still doing it – but have backslid a couple times. Doesn’t seem to have made any difference –unfortunately, maybe I’m in that group where you can “ DB until the cows come home” but to no avail. Have had three phone counseling sessions. Am considering three more. Read Sandi’s list a couple time a week. Our 12 year wedding anniversary is Oct. 6th (this Sunday) and I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks thinking about it. I know I need to detach more and just live ‘as if’ we’re done and get on with life. Accept what I can’t change – change what I can and hope for the best. Easier said than done. Any suggestions or comments? Vets, I would love to hear from you. _________________________ Me 58 H46 M12 T22 No kids BD & S Apr 2, 2013 - ILYBINILWY Has not filed . . . yet
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I dont believe anyones sitch is permanent or hopeless.
Seems like your H is melting down - the best thing you can do is just leave him alone and focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do to cure his cancer, only he can decide to seek treatment.
Keep posting. These boards have saved me.
In some ways this crisis is harder then cancer because you dont know what to believe, your truth or his "truth".
Dont have too much pride to post often and honestly.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Dearest Cadet, Thank you for your reply and for all the info! I'm so excited to connect with you and BrklyMom - thought my post was 'lost in space' and didn't know to look here. I will get on my homework assignments over the next few days. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have read DR a couple of times since June but haven't looked at it much the last couple of months. Just over the last week or so I feel very much like detaching and think I can do it. I'm frustrated with him so I don't want to spend much more of my valuable time thinking about it right now.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Hey BrklynMom, Thank you so much for your post. I didn't think anyone was looking at my post mainly because I'm having a hard time figuring out how all this posting stuff works. I'm not good with this so bear with me. But I want you to know I appreciate your comments and hope you will stay with me.
It does seem like this is a lot harder than when I had to deal with my cancer - at least I understood the cancer. I don't understand what the heck my H is dealing with, but from what I can gather I'm not supposed to try and figure out 'Why'. Just work on myself. I definitely need it as well.
Again, thank you....look forward to communicating with you.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Just some random items to help those of you (currently Cadet & BrklynMom)get a better picture of what I've done so far.
I read DR within a month of the BD, and found this website as well where I just read and read post after post. Realized how much I am not alone in this, sadly, but grateful for all the wonderful advice and support given by so many.
I think I've read just about every article there is to find on the internet about MLC/WAS and it all reads the same. Bottom line, don't take it personally, there's nothing you can do as the LBS to 'fix' it, it's their journey, and most of all, give them time and space.
I'm feeling much more comfortable and capable of doing this now after 6 months of feeling rather scattered. And I finally feel like I have detached a little, but am capable of much more.
And I am GAL . . . Baby steps.....
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
I did post today but just used the Quick reply box - probably the wrong thing to do. Do I have to reply to one of my own posts or someone elses? Gosh, I am so dim when it comes to this stuff. I am not on any social media other than my own email account so I'm just not savvy or tech smart. I'm a wildlife biologist - out in the sun a lot . . spending too much time alone or with animals.
Help!
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Ran into H at the hardware store a couple of weeks ago. Hugged, and we both said it was good to see one another. Also, we both complimented on how good we both looked.
Talked about trivial stuff - told him I went to an event the night before, something I thought he would have enjoyed. OK, bring out the bats . . . . told him I missed doing things with him - he said the same of me and that he would like to do things together 'as friends'. Gag.... I told him I didn't know if I was ready for that yet - that some days I think I can do it, and others where I don't. Also, I told him I would be lying if I wasn't hoping to be more than friends again.
A couple more things were said, not necessarily on that subject, but he got uncomfortable so I ended the interaction. We ended with hugs, good to see and talk with you - will talk to you later.
Just don't think at this point in time I can be around him as a friend. So I guess detachment is the way to get there. I'll stay working on that path.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Had an encounter with my H at the grocery store last night. I was looking at eggs and noticed a carton was misplaced on the butter display. So in my usual fashion, I returned the carton to it's proper location (stems from working in retail while in college). I turn around and there he is standing there watching me. He grins as we walk toward one another and says, "Did I just see you . . . ", I say, slightly blushing, "Yes, you caught me." We laughed and hugged. It felt so right, and so difficult not to give him a little kiss. Geez, I hate this. Anyway, he complimented me on my clothes, we chatted a little and it felt like we both didn't want it to end, but we both said we had to get going at about the same time. There's a little more to the story but I'll use that for my next post.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
