The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Ang. Maybe because it's Halloween, they are putting on a different mask? LOL.

Yes, the over-analyzing can be detrimental. I'm still attached to his emotions a bit, trying to let it go!!!!!!

I found this quote which I thought was appropriate for all of us db'ers:

"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit." -Henry David Thoreau

A reminder to live life to the fullest.

Then I had a thought of "What if I don't like the fruit I'm tasting!" Haha

[Whiterose]

Sleep is great!! we forget how good we feel if we get some proper rest it feels "weird"

I over-analyze too, I'm actually really horrible for it, trying desperately to change my ways. I've always been like this so it's going to take me some more time I think. We need to be patient with ourselves.

Things seem to be calming a bit for you, or becoming a new normal maybe? I hope that it can continue on a positive path for you!

You can have the fruit but I'll be drinking the drink!! hahaha

[Pudmuddle]

wr, calm maybe but weirdly calm.

Today he came home and he seemed overly happy again. I think he must've recharged somewhere, OW or something else. He then went downstairs and came back up wearing a Where's Waldo costume saying 'ok you guys ready for tonight?' and laughing. I have to admit it looked good on him and it was funny as both son and I laughed. But I said 'I have been trying for YEARS to get you to dress up!' and I have. Halloween used to be one of my fave holidays and I could ever get him to dress up...he couldn't make fun of himself or just have fun with it. Now he has a costume? I kind of felt crushed about this. Sigh.

Then afterwards we were watching tv shows and talking just like everything used to be, just like the normal stuff we used to do. It was again, weird. At one point he noticed I was taking some cold med and asked if I was sick. I just said that my head had felt funky for the past 4 days or so. So he did ask, I guess.

Then later I said I was going to go upstairs because we only had ONE trick or treater and meds made me kind of sleepy. Yes ONE. LOL kind of sad.

Then I noticed he was talking to his mom on the phone. Then I looked down later and he was texting. I'm so confused.

This MLC stuff [censored]. I feel like I should lay down some boundaries again. He still has made no mention of moving out. I admit I'm lucky that I don't have an MLC'er that spews venomous things but this quiet behavior [censored] almost as bad! I'm so very confused about how he doesn't seem to miss me. Going dim while in your own home just doesn't seem to work.

I feel like I was doing so well and then it just feels (again this word) weird because it feels normal most of the time. Is he being courteous and just going to wait me out too? Fudge, I'm confused.

[Whiterose]

Do you feel he is crossing lines? If you feel uncomfortable with his actions In your own home then I would agree that you need to lay down rules again.....the vets may have other advice though.

My H has made some crazy a$$ comments to me that have sent me feeling like I'm going over the edge but now he is ignoring me completely, won't respond to my messages (I've sent two early last week) but this silent treatment makes me wonder too......can't win. It's easier to detach though now that he's not talking to me at all. Job told me today that sometimes holiday make them even weirder so maybe that is what is going on with your H right now?

We allllllll fall off the wagon it's important just to get up, brush off he dust and start over again.

[Feenix]

Pud,
rH mentioned the other day on my thread that during the worst of MLC with her H, that they BOTH were confused. So true, right???

I think it's hard, in our own way, to have the MLCer at home because it DOES feel normal, sometimes. We start feeling like life is "normal"...our H is at home, acting like a "normal" person for a bit...and then, we just wait for the next bomb drop. We can't ever really completely detach or move on because our H is right there...sometimes right next to us. There, but not really there.

I'm thankful that, for now, my H is still at home where the kids and I can see him everyday. It's a whole other world if your spouse is gone for days, weeks, months, or even years...but I do think what you and I are doing is hard in its own way. We have a front row seat to every little word, action, etc. going on with our H's.

I'm proud of you, girl! You keep hanging in there and being strong. Your H is starting to see some changes in you, I think.

[Feenix]

whiterose,

Good point about the holidays! My H keeps asking me what my "plans" are for the holidays...and keeps asking if I'll be taking the kids to see his family, since he's not talking to any of them right now. Ugh.

I can see how this time of year makes them act even weirder!

And, Pud, I can understand the costume thing with your K kinda hurting you....but don't let it get to you. He's got to "try" on lots of things before he figures out who he is going to be. I can see shifts in my H's personality, too. It's enough to make us all CrAzY! Lol.

[BrightFuture]

Pud, I get the costume thing too. But I agree with Angela, that this might be part of him figuring himself out.

I like that quote. I like all of it, the air the drink and the fruit.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks girls, I just don't know if he is crossing lines as he seems to be happy at the moment. Sigh. I did have a thought that if he asks about the finances again or any R talk I might ask him if he has given any thought to moving out so he can live his life.

I woke up earlier than usual this morning because I started thinking about this again. Then I remembered a convo some of us had with a guy at work about his W. He was talking about how tired he was because his W has major depression issues, anxiety attacks and was suicidal at one point. But the thing that got me was that he was there to support her, he was involved with his W's therapist and had done research on depression and supported his W fully through this. I told him how amazing I thought it was that he was still there to support her because it's hard for the spouse just as much.

This made me really sad because my H wasn't there through my depression and didn't attempt to try and understand it. It was like he gave up even wanting to help understand me. I was bad but not nearly as bad as this guy's W, but still going through one of the hardest times in my life. This makes me extremely sad that H didn't care enough...

The funny thing is I can't even cry anymore about this. Several times I have felt sadness but no tears even well up in my eyes.

I'll see if I can go out tonight with a friend and just be out, away from this nonsense. My house doesn't even feel like a home anymore.

[cat04]

I think it's hard, in our own way, to have the MLCer at home because it DOES feel normal, sometimes. We start feeling like life is "normal"...our H is at home, acting like a "normal" person for a bit...and then, we just wait for the next bomb drop. We can't ever really completely detach or move on because our H is right there...sometimes right next to us. There, but not really there.

I have to disagree. You can completely detatch when they are home. It is more difficult but not impossible.

It begins with not wondering when or if they will come home. And not worrying if they don’t.

With looking at them as roommates instead of as your H.

With giving yourself permission to live regardless of what they are doing.

It is hard. It gets easier. I know, I did it for years.

Today he came home and he seemed overly happy again. I think he must've recharged somewhere, OW or something else. He then went downstairs and came back up wearing a Where's Waldo costume saying 'ok you guys ready for tonight?' and laughing. I have to admit it looked good on him and it was funny as both son and I laughed. But I said 'I have been trying for YEARS to get you to dress up!' and I have. Halloween used to be one of my fave holidays and I could ever get him to dress up...he couldn't make fun of himself or just have fun with it. Now he has a costume? I kind of felt crushed about this. Sigh.

Pud,

I wish you hadn’t said that. I know it seems innocuous but it was damaging.

Damaging because it is a reminder of the old life. The one he is trying to run from…

MLCer’s try things. They have to. To see how they feel. You will see lots of this sort of stuff I’m sorry to say. And it may hurt at times.

This MLC stuff [censored]. I feel like I should lay down some boundaries again. He still has made no mention of moving out. I admit I'm lucky that I don't have an MLC'er that spews venomous things but this quiet behavior [censored] almost as bad! I'm so very confused about how he doesn't seem to miss me. Going dim while in your own home just doesn't seem to work.

No more boundaries right now unless you want the end result to be a D.

Going dim in your own home does work. Not to change their minds necessarily but to let them begin to see what life is like without you. Additionally, they get to observe you being different. They may comment on it or maybe not.

Honestly, I don’t expect him to bring up moving out right now. He isn’t ready for that yet.

Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless you absolutely cannot live like this. I am not certain that you are there yet.

Then I remembered a convo some of us had with a guy at work about his W. He was talking about how tired he was because his W has major depression issues, anxiety attacks and was suicidal at one point. But the thing that got me was that he was there to support her, he was involved with his W's therapist and had done research on depression and supported his W fully through this. I told him how amazing I thought it was that he was still there to support her because it's hard for the spouse just as much.

This made me really sad because my H wasn't there through my depression and didn't attempt to try and understand it. It was like he gave up even wanting to help understand me. I was bad but not nearly as bad as this guy's W, but still going through one of the hardest times in my life. This makes me extremely sad that H didn't care enough...

Pud,

There will be times that you will see situations that are similar to situations that you experienced and it will make you go hmmm…

Because it will make you look at the reality of what your situation was versus what you had wished it to be.

Your H, may have been giving you all he could. It really is possible.

I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer. The aggressive type. My X, really wanted to hear nothing about it other than what were they going to do…

In ways, I wish he had been more supportive throughout it. In ways, I am extremely glad he wasn’t. Because I had to make my plans and decisions without him. And that made me stronger. It caused me to embrace my faith, to get out of my pity party and figure shiat out. For me and my son.

I was lucky, blessed, that it turned out to be contained. I came out the other side of that a much stronger person.

My X, gave me what he could. That was the bottom line and I had to accept that was how he was. It doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not necessarily the type of person I could have spent my entire life with.

The thing that will happen as this whole MLC thing progresses…

Eventually, it will become less about if your H chooses to return and try to reconcile the M, and more about if YOU will want to reconcile the M if he wants to come home.

If you truly do the work on you, which you have only just begun, take off the rose colored glasses (regarding H and yourself), and begin to figure out what you want for your life, how you want to be, what sort of people you want in your life…

You begin to realize that maybe, just maybe, you want something different and this isn’t as horrible as you think it is right now.

You might lose the dream of remaining M until “death do you part” and that is sad.

During one of the hardest times in my situation I read something that spoke to me.

I was beginning to question my faith because I felt God wasn’t answering my prayers, and that was strange for me because my faith had always been very strong…

It was along the lines that even when we think God isn’t hearing us, isn’t answering our prayers, He is. Just not necessarily in the way WE think they should be answered.

And to trust…

You may be seeing some different behaviors and reactions from your H. That happens along the journey.

It could mean something or nothing. Just work on acceptance. And patience.

Patience is a virtue and it is something that many of us must learn.

When you begin to learn your lessons, you will begin to find your answers.

[Pudmuddle]

I have to disagree. You can completely detatch when they are home. It is more difficult but not impossible.

It begins with not wondering when or if they will come home. And not worrying if they don’t.

With looking at them as roommates instead of as your H.

With giving yourself permission to live regardless of what they are doing.

It is hard. It gets easier. I know, I did it for years.

Hi cat,

Part of the problem with just being roommates for me is I feel my H already felt that way before BD. So I feel like I either need to fully pull away or do the opposite, which is where I get confused. I remember him saying 'we can just continue to be roommates and co-parent like we have been' shortly after BD.

Pud,

I wish you hadn’t said that. I know it seems innocuous but it was damaging.

Damaging because it is a reminder of the old life. The one he is trying to run from…

MLCer’s try things. They have to. To see how they feel. You will see lots of this sort of stuff I’m sorry to say. And it may hurt at times.

I wish I hadn't said that either because after I said it I realized what it implied. I'm also very accepting that you called me out on it too, because I didn't want to admit it to myself. THANK YOU.

No more boundaries right now unless you want the end result to be a D.

Going dim in your own home does work. Not to change their minds necessarily but to let them begin to see what life is like without you. Additionally, they get to observe you being different. They may comment on it or maybe not.

Honestly, I don’t expect him to bring up moving out right now. He isn’t ready for that yet.

Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless you absolutely cannot live like this. I am not certain that you are there yet.

I keep thinking it is what I want, but then I know I still harbor bad feelings towards him so I know it would not end well at this time if I did set further boundaries.

Pud,

There will be times that you will see situations that are similar to situations that you experienced and it will make you go hmmm…

Because it will make you look at the reality of what your situation was versus what you had wished it to be.

Your H, may have been giving you all he could. It really is possible.

I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer. The aggressive type. My X, really wanted to hear nothing about it other than what were they going to do…

In ways, I wish he had been more supportive throughout it. In ways, I am extremely glad he wasn’t. Because I had to make my plans and decisions without him. And that made me stronger. It caused me to embrace my faith, to get out of my pity party and figure shiat out. For me and my son.

I was lucky, blessed, that it turned out to be contained. I came out the other side of that a much stronger person.

My X, gave me what he could. That was the bottom line and I had to accept that was how he was. It doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not necessarily the type of person I could have spent my entire life with.

I'm sorry to hear you had breast cancer, thank you for sharing that part of your life with me. I had a friend who went through breast cancer, all by herself, and I always admired her strength during this time.

The funny thing is I had told other people that I thought he had done the best that he could during my depression and then I heard this story at work and it hit me again that maybe he didn't. I really need to look at him with more compassion and I am trying, but it is still so hard. So you are absolutely right again that I am not ready. I know I am not yet.

As always, you give me so much to think over.