Make him do the work. Make him be the one to tell her. I understand your hopes to keep this from her if it was temporary, but he's LIVINg with her, in YOUR town - this won't be the last time she runs into him and OW, he needs to man up and face the consequences of his actions.
H brought up her inability to see things in any other way than black and white
Did you suggest him to lend her his rose colored glasses to keep in her purse in case she runs into OW again? Sorry, I didn’t mean to be insensitive. It is just incomprehensible to me to even imagine what is going on in his head. Wave at you while OW is in his truck… OW waves to you… Dressed up like a hooker… Him saying that they were not “doing anything”… HELLO! They are doing everything to hurt you and your daughter.
I agree with kml, he needs to face the consequences of his decisions. What is it to him, some kind of experiment? “Oh, I know this thing with OW might not work out and I still want the connection with my W and kids, but I just want to play a little bit, but I'm not doing anything inappropriate.” Sorry, I must be as angry as you are. I don’t even know how I would behave in this situation, in an adult kind of way, you know. I hope you have all the patience and wisdom of DB when he comes to talk. I wish you luck.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
My late night friend, you are rarely alone here especially with me on the loose!
To give you my two cents I agree with KML and BF. Telling your daughter is not up to you, it is up to him. The Black Cloud advances. That they would have the nerve to grin and wave to you makes me mad.
That your H is cowardly makes me even madder.
But I do think it is time that your daughter knew. Better from him than from a stranger and since she doesn't appear to be clearing the field, it's time to give him the reality of his choices. And that includes the car. He pays lip service to wanting the OW to leave but there she is in her hooker boots smiling and waving at you. You and she are not getting the same tale.
He continues to live with her, consequences are that he can't hide it forever.
He wants to sell the car that belongs to you both, you get your share. Don't give him the opportunity to treat OW with the proceeds, or buy her another kayak.
In some ways, he was living on borrowed time. Maybe this reality check is what he needs.
Why would being angry be sooo bad? Clearly you are not an angry person, and this might be a good 180. I agree with all of the posters above.
Smiling and waving and coming in last! WTF? Seriously NLT he has crossed a real boundary here imho. My trying to be 'civilised' about OW led to my xh telling me that I had given him approval.
They are really messed up and maybe spelling out that you really are not OK with all of this, that your daughter is not OK with this might give him pause, or at least get it into his pea brain that what he is doing has consequences.
As for black and white thinking - some things are that simple and adultery is just plain wrong. To pretend otherwise is foolish
Thank you all for the replies. I've taken a giant step back and thought about his recent behavior and his behavior in general over the past year. His attitude of "no one is going to tell me what I can or can't do" has gone beyond that now. It's effecting more than just me and he does need to see and feel the consequences. Is it time to tell him that until ow is gone that I want no further contact with him? Or have no further contact without the conversation? Or something in between.
Today he took the car to have it assessed. I told him that 1/2 of the value would be mine should he decide to sell it. It wasn't a good conversation after that. I dug my heels in and told him that I wouldn't stand by allowing him to sell things that are joint property without taking my share of the proceeds. He tried every mlc trick that he could think of and I didn't back down. I ended the call but less than an hour later he called back. I didn't called him back but his message indicated that he wanted to talk about why he is selling the car.
He's still obsessed with what to do about the situation with our daughter. I know that after talking with her that she doesn't have a clue as to what he's doing and assumes that the woman was a friend our OURS. Whether he ends up telling her is his decision. I can't force him to tell her but I did tell him that WHEN he does, I want to be there.
Bea,
Originally Posted By: beatrice
As for black and white thinking - some things are that simple and adultery is just plain wrong. To pretend otherwise is foolish
He and I had the conversation about adultery several times when this first started his "journey". In our conversation just before he bought the house, I brought it up again and hit a brick wall once again. He knows how I feel but you're right. Because I haven't given him an ultimatum, continue to talk to him and haven't filed for d, he has interpreted that as my acceptance of his behavior. I wasn't sure what to do then and even now after dbing I still not sure that giving the ultimatum is going to get the results that I want. I want this to end now and if possible, not in D. I know that D isn't then end of the world but it's an ugly mess that I'm not willing to initiate.
With an mlcer we've advised to ignore the ow and the affair. Flaunting it around town is not a boundary that I can set, or can I? They are both acting like out of control teenagers for certain but what to do about it, idk.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
Why would being angry be sooo bad? Clearly you are not an angry person, and this might be a good 180. I agree with all of the posters above.
I do it so rarely that it would be an effective 180. I have a lot of pent up emotions and I know it would be a longer conversation/rant than about the affair, the car and most importantly, my daughter. I would have to read a script otherwise it most likely would be an out of control blasting.
I'm almost as confused now as I was when I came here. It's possible that I've missed something with regard to dbing. I've pulled out the book and am reading it tonight.
Thanks again to everyone for weighing in, I truly need this right now.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
DBing is difficult with a MLCer, because they are not rational. In fact MWD says so somewhere. I think we can ignore the OW and the affair for a while and until they start to flaunt it
Remember Holly and her husband actually did divorce and lived separately before reconciling. Your husband has to work through this and figure out what matters to him and what doesn't. You have a stronger hand than many posters here because your husband does actually care for you and is concerned for you, but not enough to end the affair and work on the marriage. Hang on to that thought, painful as it is.
I think (and this is very much my 2 cents) that maybe it is time for an honest conversation. Your husband is cake eating and it doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. I would try and find a space to sit down and tell him honestly how you feel
That is your script to write, but if you feel you do not want to go on being his buddy while h is living with another woman, that is not unreasonable. After all he has moved out, and you are living pretty much separate lives. I am not pro divorce, and would do much to avoid one, but I would not do anything to avoid divorce. So my advice is to think about your boundaries, how long this situation has been going on, and whether your husband is showing any real signs of working through his issues. It is his journey and yours, and maybe a little more clear separation would be a good thing.
We always worry about pushing them into the arms of the OW, but that reality often does not last long - I know whatever you do you will do with class and dignity. Please take care of yourself here.
Hi NLT, just checking in on you and found...this! Holy crow.
One thing I cannot understand is why our MLCers go to such extreme lengths to overlook the bad things about their OP, to excuse thir behavior.
A rational person would have dumped OW after the kayak stunt. Not let her move back in and prance around town in a mini skirt and go-go cowboy boots waving at his wife and upsetting his daughter. I guess the operative word her is "rational," huh? Do you think it's that they just cannot admit they were wrong, or are just too crazy?
You asked "Flaunting it around town is not a boundary that I can set, or can I?" I don't think it is. How could you enforce it? But you could enforce insisting H tell your daughter the truth.
I'm glad she was truly not affected by their behavior (this time) and even happier that H thinks that she WAS. I agree with the others. He is living with OW in your town. Flaunting it, like you said. I agree with Bright, Ellie, Portia and Bea. It's time for H to face the reality, the consequences. If he is not man enough to tell your daughter he left you and is living with that slut in the hooker outfit, then the only alternative is for him to STOP living with the slut in the hooker outfit. His choice.
And good for you, sticking to your guns about the proceeds of the car sale.
And, about letting go of that pent up anger in a rant....that is not my nature either but I finally blew a gasket, as Wonka described it, and gave my H's OW Russian slut a giant piece of my mind and described the reality of my H's situation to her while he was talking to her on skype.
I was appalled at myself, but it felt GOOD, NLT. I would not recommend it as an ongoing 180, but finally allowing yourself to feel your anger and get it off your chest after stuffing it down for well over a year would feel GOOD. Go for it!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Flaunting it around town is not a boundary that I can set, or can I?
Why not? Setting a boundary doesn't mean you can prevent him from crossing it.
In order for boundaries to be effective, there has to be a consequence for crossing them. Think hard what this consequence will be before setting it. Then, if he crosses your boundary, you MUST follow through... or you lose future credibility. This is why you only set boundaries and consequences you are prepared to uphold.
Your H likes to be good buddies with you. (at times) Tells you all kinds of stuff about his life, much like my W does me. It seems to me, he'd not want to loose this. The reality is though, that if he keeps on his present course, he just may. He needs to begin to realize this, before it's too late.
I definitely would set up some kind of boundary/consequence for this behavior, just because you find it so disrespectful.
Keep us posted!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How's that going to bed earlier working out for you? 😃
Good for you for insisting on your share of the car. Somewhere in that tunnel reality is calling your H.
I don't think there is much you can do about his behaviour with OW outside in the great big world. As FY said boundaries are for US and have to have some sort of enforceability factor. You can't follow him all over town trying to monitor their behaviour. Although her outfits might give you a good laugh.
Level of contact always depends on how you feel. Because that can be enforceable boundaries. For example, maybe you can keep in contact but no more accepting dinner dates in the house he shares with OW or any dates at all. So much depends on where you are at. I never made the decision to go NC with xSO, it happened when I stopped initiating any contact. Since he did not contact me we went months without a single contact. I am not suggesting that for you. But maybe think of going dim, for you, so that you can decide what you want to do. You can always up the dimmer switch later if circumstances change.
I hope that helps but even more I hope it helps that we are thinking of you and trust that you will do the right thing for you.
