How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

ssmguy,

He walked out the door.

I looked into our past, the things that we withstood, and looked within myself. Not easy. You see my drive is attached to how he treated me even since before we got married. The first episode of a non libido was when we were living together just prior to our marriage.

It went pffft! Scared me to death! I had no clue why it left, and no matter what I could not get attracted sexually to him.

I told him what happened and would he give me some time? He did, he didn't bug me, ask me, but I always felt pressure. That's a killer too.

Eventually it slowly came back. Then kids came and a HUGE amount of stress and anxiety. I was exhausted all the time, I had horrible allergies, to the point of double conjunctivitis, double ear infections, sinus infections and upper resp. infections. At time all at once...get the picture...not pretty.

So pretty much on and off in the marriage I'd just be wiped. Then my cycle would come and I'd get randy!

Prior to my husband leaving the longest we'd ever gone without was eight months. I had many issues, no c. orgasm w/o a vibrator. Didn't know the urge to urinate was a different type of orgasm, how my body looked, yadda yadda yadda.

I never felt comfortable with my own body. Never gave myself an orgasm digitally. Heck I was pretty sheltered when I was younger, and had NO clue!

When he left this past May, I decided I was going to learn all I could. First I had to figure out why the libido wasn't there. It does have much to do with how I felt and the hurt that was caused by he and the priorities he put before me. Family, friends, golf.

When I tried to change and add some spice with a cool work book, it had sealed envelopes for his or her eyes only . I was really excited about it! I got shot down. He wanted NOTHING to do with it. I was humiliated/embarrassed and withdrew.

Later I tried again, got a spur of the moment sitter and got a hotel room. Lingerie, had his buddy at work lure him to the hotel room.
He was surprised but couldn't shift gears and it was a flop.

So I did try but felt stupid too many times and then the pressure to initiate came. It was if I couldn't win. If I didn't say no, and had sex, " I wasn't involved ". If I didn't initiate, he thought I didn't want it. I had asked him to touch my face , hold it. He felt awkward.

If I wanted to be thrown against a wall, nope wasn't gonna happen.

I felt defeated in so many ways. I was too afraid to express my needs, touch myself, and ask what he wanted.

So it was just a personal decision to educate myself. I decided to home school, lol!

I read everything, I researched toys, essays on techniques, watched amateur porn. Learned what took me from zero to 75. I even wrote a couple of erotic stories!

I may never get the chance to share this with my husband, because he is SO hurt . He felt unloved and probably undesirable. I can only try to bring back some form of trust. But he's in MLC and that's a WHOLE other bag of worms!

You see, I am a researcher, very curious, and if given a challenge I rise to it. Losing him is what has triggered my desire. Wanting to meet HIS needs, SHOW him how much I love him. I had NO clue what sex meant to him, to men.

I was clueless as to how much I crushed his soul. When you see a big man cry ( he's over six feet and muscular ) because he perceived me as not wanting to touch him, it rips your heart out!
I was devastated in that office, I never sobbed so hard in my life. And it wasn't for me, it was that I contributed to him feeling so horrible.

So SSMG, I don't know how much of what I shared can actually help you. I just remember some of the things I read, one of them was " just do it ". Well obviously I can't now.

I have to wait until he feels safe again. He may never come around. I know how it feels, even if he can't remember how I was treated, probably because I didn't tell him how I felt.

I'm trying now, even though he says I look great, but he's not sexually attracted to me and HE can't figure out why!
I'd love to tell him that sexual libido comes and goes, that hormones drop at our age, that stress and anxiety are KILLERS in that area, and trying to will it to come won't work, but it can't come from me.

You see, him leaving made me really think. It made me put what was important to him, on a list of priorities. I needed to see that I could not expect him to do without, that I had to try harder, and yes again!