2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

Thanks! That answer your friend gave her kids sounded very reasonable and loving.

At the moment i actually think the best interest of my kids tips the scales in the direction of NOT being open to reconciling. For me, and for them, and for them to have any hope of experiencing what a healthy adult relationship looks like, a lot would have to be different between H and me. I believe h COULD change (my IC doesn't) but i'm not waiting for or expecting H to change, or to want to change. I'm busy myself learning how to be different in relationships, and it's not comfortable and it's not easy ( or inexpensive for that matter).

Rick i kicked around the idea that i haven't let go. The best i could come up with was that really i'm just trying to be a decent human being to H, and i'm sensitive to the fact that what would be meaningless coming from his coworker will appear more fraught with meaning coming from his estranged wife. So i made a little effort to think about the birthday from his point of view rather than just doing whatever the heck i want.

If that gets misinterpreted by him i can't help it and i'm not worried about it.

I just want to be real, and act in a way that makes sense for who i am, and not worry about doing X or Y to make him think something or do something. what he thinks or does is his to figure out. So he can think i want him or need him, and withdraw in response, and i reject the idea that i'm responsible for that.

I don't think letting go is something i can DO. I think it is something that just happens over time as i learn and read and consider what i want out of life. I can let H go completely and see no result in H, because it's in me and isn't geared toward getting some kind of reaction out of him. He may continue feeling like i'm attached to him even if i never see or speak to him; i cannot help that.