Agreed. It takes a while to figure this stuff out and get to where Mach is today. While everything he says is true, (in my opinion) it takes a while to get there. And Mr J has barely even released the clutch yet!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I do see that it could be taken harshly, and I knew that when I said what I did...
I didn't get the the point that I am at by only answering the easy questions, or taking the easy road.
I remember exactly where J is at, and how he feels. I remember that "burn" that went up the back of my neck when I would read something like that, and it was directed at me.
I remember trying to "let the clutch out slowly"
And I can tell you this, and you know this FY.
MLC takes no prisoners, especially with the male LBS (posters) with a wife in the throws of MLC.
MLC is in your face, every second of every day, and it takes no break from it UNTIL, we have the strength to change it....
We can only change that, from the truth within ourselves....
There is no "easing" into this. There is no easy way to get information. We guys take this with a whole lot more pride than our superior counterparts do. Our egos are bruised, and our minds close, because as guys, we deal with the rational side of things before we can attack the emotional side of this (and most things).
I wasn't offered the chance to dip my toe into the pool of MLC before it smacked me in the face.
My only chance was to learn how to swim through this. My skin needed to be a whole lot thicker than it was, and had to start seeing ABSOLUTE TRUTH in order to see my role. No sunshine up my skirt...absolute truth in MY actions, in order to start healing, and becoming the person that I wanted to be....
And IF I couldn't handle the cold hard truth of my peers, then how was I ever going to be able to handle what my MLC wife dished out to me ????
J, it is true that you are only beginning this path. And it is your decision if you CHOOSE to walk it. What I can also tell you is, that in the beginning of my journey I wanted the easy way out, heck, we ALL wanted that.
The ONLY way to take the focus off of MLC, and turn it around to where it should have been ( on myself), was that absolute truth that I had to face every day.
There is no time like the present to begin to see this differently...
This is a process.
I can't remember what I was like at three months but I can tell you i am grateful to Mach and others on here who did not hold back on me. If you want to see that JF it's here in my threads.
You move at your own pace but you move quicker with experience of others challenging your thinking.
This stuff is HARD. It will challenge every concept you have about love and marriage.
Sometimes you will be downright p!ssed at some of us. When you do it's time to look inside...
Dig into what stings. Why would we be here? Think about it.
We are here because you are here and because we have been where you are and maybe
Maybe
We can help you see things quicker and get to a place of peace in shorter order than we did.
In any case it is your journey.
You may have seen me post this already elsewhere:
What are you prepared to do for your M if your are not guaranteed it can be saved?
How would you want to be loved? Only when you are calm and peaceful?
Or when you are scared and alone? So scared you run away from the most important people in your life. So confused you risk everything you have built in your life till now.
When do you think you would most need love JF?
What would that love need to look like if you were in that place?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
For what it's worth, J needs to hear the truth. He needs to hear what Mach has to say.
Quote:
J, it is true that you are only beginning this path. And it is your decision if you CHOOSE to walk it. What I can also tell you is, that in the beginning of my journey I wanted the easy way out, heck, we ALL wanted that.
The ONLY way to take the focus off of MLC, and turn it around to where it should have been ( on myself), was that absolute truth that I had to face every day.
We can commiserate, remember, offer advice, background, share stories that are oddly familiar on this board. But in the end, Mach is right about J needing to hear the truth and take the hard look. So far it's been "We are both..." and "Yes, but" which is certainly par for the course at this early juncture. To really get a good look, one really has to look at oneself apart from the spouse. MLC or not.
Interested to hear how you'll respond, J.
-aj
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wow. Just finished catching up on this eye opening set of posts. I'll be truthful. I feel like I just went through a couple rounds with a prize fighter after the beating I have taken here.
Yes. I am still judging.
Yes. I still feel hurt and rejected and I don't understand her reactions.
Yes. I clearly need to try to understand MLC better.
No. I have no idea what is going on inside her and cannot seem to get there.
Yes. I do desire to make myself better and look at my own inadequacies.
Love. Real love. I don't know. I want to be there for her and support her while she is in this mess. During very lucid moments she has talked about not feeling like herself and not understanding what us going on.
The whole DB process of techniques reads like a laundry list of things to try to get a desired effect. Like I'm trying to "fix it for her."
Simple scenario: I am lost. The foundation if my family and my life has been shaken to the core. I am a fixer. I think most if us are. That's why we seek out resources like this to help us. I have identified some of my shortcomings with regard to my family and my marriage. I am working on those things. I have not satisfied her emotional needs for quite some time.
I am having the hardest time understanding how to provide the love and support that she needs to take her journey while also staying out if her way and not pursuing.
I'm ready Mach. I have thick skin
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Hey J. That ^^^^^ right up there, tells me something. These three men, Mach, AJ, and Truegritter walk the walk. Three of the best guys around.
When I first came here, I just couldnt get it. I mean I went round and round. Blamed myself for everything. Db seemed counterintuitive. I didnt understand what people where telling me. I would argue, get angry.
Until one day I was tired of feeling as bad as I felt. Mach wouldnt give up on me. And trust me, he was tough. He asked the hard questions. And I thank God he did.
This is tough. But man, what it can do for you. The thing of it is that we all want you to get to the good stuff. The part where you become the man you want to be. The part where you understand that this is her journey. There isnt anything you can do to fix her, no matter how much you want to. The part where you realize that no matter what, you will be ok.
So, it is your choice how you decide to act, to think, from here on out. Your choice whether to judge or not, whether to continue to try to figure her out or let her go. All your choice.
If you think that dbing is a laundry list of things to get the desired effect or to fix it for her, you are reading it wrong.
Here's how you support her while not pursuing. You detach, you GAL, and you look within. You do not allow her actions or words to affect your actions or words. You act like the man you want to be not to get a reaction but, regardless of the reaction.
Every day you be that man. Some days you'll make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal.
So, if you are really ready to dig in, the boys will be back. This aint for the faint of heart. But neither is standing for a MLCer.
Welcome aboard J. I'm glad to read your last post. You certainly do have some of the best signing on to help you. Take good notes and live it, my friend... I promise you'll never regret it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
