I'm trying to be painfully honest - so I post half the time now with a cringe just waiting for people to shake their head, and say, "There he goes again!"
A lot of thoughts to pour out here, mostly journaling, still digesting and going back over all your responses... Now, the initial emotional blast is gone; I'm surprised that I'm not angry, jealous, bitter, etc. Thinking amazingly clearly - I still don't understand it.
I spent quite a bit of time the last 24 hours reading everything I could get my hands on that gave perspectives both from an affair spouse and the cheated spouse.
There is a book for cheating spouses called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair…" by Linda McDonald, and one of the most confirming lines in the beginning of the book really struck me: The most important quality that an unfaithful spouse needs in order to successfully regain their offended partner's trust is that the betraying spouse "gets it". "Getting it" means the straying spouse understand the wrongness of their behavior and the depth of the pain they have caused their spouses.
I think the fact that W was so absolutely broken has helped me. She made no excuses, no justifications, no trying to blame me - she just sobbed, and took full and complete responsibility. She even said she told OM that we were completely done back then, just waiting on divorce papers, and took that blame on herself too. (She told him a few days later, it was over because it wasn't right, and she still wanted to be married to me)
One thing that was huge once I really got it: the PA means nothing. I don't mean that it's acceptable. But W isn't attracted to OM either sexually or emotionally. It's the disconnect and emotional distance between us that led her to think her situation was so bad that her only outlet/choice was someone she would never have even been friends with normally.
W and I talked again last night, in person. (paraphrasing) W: "There is no use for us. You will think I'm a whore, and can never live this down. You will never be able to trust me again. I don't deserve you, and I'm not worth anything." Me: "The PA in and of itself means nothing to me - I know OM is nothing, just a symptom of our problems. I was really angry and emotional at first about it, but really, I feel betrayed by you, and that hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine. However, what you said is not true. You are of infinite worth to God. You are of infinite worth to me, and I love you unconditionally." (W broke down again, just like these huge wracking sobs, so I just hugged her.) W: "I had to tell you because it has been eating at me. I don't know how I could have sunk this low and done this; what is wrong with me? XH1 cheated on me four times and I thought he was a disgusting pig. I want to be married to you so badly. I miss you like crazy. I love you so much. I think about you all day, and most days I can barely eat or sleep because I want to be with you." Me: "I appreciate your honesty. I know things are crazy right now, but how do you want to proceed?" W: "I want to be married to you 100%, and nothing else has ever come close." Me: "Ok, and you know I feel the same. You already know that you can't have any contact with OM, you already are dismissing the divorce, so I think we're on a good path. Let's take some time to get our heads clear."
She told me "I love you" probably 10 times through out the conversation. I was sitting beside her and she kept looping her arms through mine, and laid her legs over mine, and laid her head on me - go from holding one hand to the other.
I also found out she went to see a mutual friend last week - she promised to come to this friend's birthday party 3 weeks ago, and just skipped. She took her a birthday present, and broke down and told her she had been an awful friend. To me that's a good sign that she is realizing things about herself on a larger scale than just our relationship.
A friend of mine reminded me of a conversation that he and I had probably back when W filed divorce in August; he had said he believed W would have to hit absolute rock bottom before she would "come to her senses". She was already broke, heavily in debt, embarrassed/guilty, suffering from depression, estranged from most of her family. The PA really was her rock bottom.
My brain is still in a blender. I don't even know if this is not DBing, good DBing, bad DBing; but I knew I needed to talk to her. Someone sent me a post she put on Facebook (I'm still blocked) and she said, "I don't deserve it, but if you think of it, pray for me."
