Hi all, here are the latest: the little one is latching, thank goodness, because I pumped for a year with the other one. Never again. He is an adorable bundle of joy.
H comes with me to NICU to visit him quite often. We both feel like we completely forgot how to hold a newborn.
I'm in every pain medication one can think of and swollen like a balloon. I keep thinking I wish H didn't see me in such a vulnerable and ugly state, because of the whole "I only see you as a sister" issue.
I know it's strange, and maybe this is the only place I can talk about this, but every time I do sleep (and it's been a few hours here and there since Tuesday), I dream of H leaving me and saying he never loved me.
Then I wake up and see him laying on the couch of the hospital and crave his touch or some nice, loving words. It's all so strange that it makes me want to cry.
The other day, he freaked out while holding S0 because he started choking again. I took the baby in my arms and he stopped. H cried all the way from the NICU to our room. I hugged him and said everything would be ok.
Yesterday or the day before a social worker came to talk with us. I don't know how she found out, but she wanted to see how I'm doing with post parfumerie depression and then suddenly she turned to H and asked how he is doing with ptsd and how we are working on our differences. H said we still have to keep going to counseling, so I'm assuming he still wants to stay.
My brother talked with h about our situation and hasn't told me yet what they talked about, but said H told him he would take care of us. What it means, I don't know?
Just updating, for anyone who is interested. H is back and forth on being nice and saying he wants to work things out and still have feelings for me, to being downright distant and just plain abusive. The things he says and does would get even the db people asking me to please just leave him.
Something inside of me has died.
Today, while our son was being circumcised, we were in an office where the wallpaper was of a beach with Palm trees. I started looking at it and pictured my two boys playing and laughing by the water. H was not in that picture. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my new happy place does not include him and I'm braving to see my future without him.
So sorry he's doing this to you. Perhaps you could expand on the abuse a bit, I assume you mean emotional and not physical? How bad is it? Some women live with extreme abuse because they think it's "normal", I just want to make sure you're not in that boat.
I'm so confused and needed some clarity from you guys over here.
The roller coaster is still going on, except H has left for two nights to stay in a hotel with the intention of leaving and sorting things out in his nead about what he wants.
He came back a few days later, wanting to work on the marriage and asking for us to continue to see a counselor.
However, here are the things he admits a) had a physical affair with OW and that she was beautiful (kick me when I'm down, won't you??) b) that he doesn't know if he can love me again c) that he broke it off with OW because she was pushing for him to leave me.
He keeps asking me to give him a chance to sort through his feelings and also wants to continue to see a MC, but my heart is telling me this is not going to work out, that I'm too hurt. I feel like running.
However, I feel guilty for my boys. I don't want to be the reason why they won't have a family. I feel so incredibly guilty,
Has anyone here been in my shoes and a) had a restored marriage where the spouse came back to being loving and respectful and b) that they themselves got in touch with loving feelings for their spouse?
Your H has problems that you can't help him with. He's obviously confused and hurting. Whether he decides to get help and fix him, is not up to you. It's on him. Can you support him as much as you can in that, yes but that doesn't mean you have to be with him.
You can and should have boundaries and one could be that in order for the 2 of you to be together he needs to be in some kind of treatment. In 6 months or whatever, you can revisit the issue. Even with treatment, it doesn't mean the marriage will work.
It's more important for kids to be in a healthy, happy home than an intact family. A parents depression ahs a great impact on the kids.
You aren't the reason and you don't know what the future holds but now you have to take care of you and your babies.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
