Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

I know I have been asking this question in various forms, but I am still uncertain about something. I have been reading old threads and came across Bustorama's story. As he puts it:

Originally Posted By: bustorama:

I keep struggling with the balance of being helpful/responsive (180ing my previous neglect/unavailability) vs. being pursuing/solicitous/supplicating.

And then a poster named Puppy Dog Tails replied:

Man, that IS one of THE toughest things in all of DBing. In my opinion, after reading all of your most recent posts, you've swung a little too far in the other direction, Busto (foot rubs? Seriously?? c'mon . . . ). I think the post-surgery PHYSICAL stuff is okay, but you're also rescuing her from parenting, and she needs to feel what it's like to parent without you.

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being totally supplicating and 10 being totally distant/hardass, I'd say -- at this stage -- you want to be about a "4" (I'd normally say 5 or 6, but I'm taking your word that your past marital style was too controlling and emotionally distant). So, a "4". But right now, you seem to be about an "2."

Go back and re-read what you were doing that was WORKING, and get back to being "that guy."

Puppy

Now, I know Busto's sitch was one where, even though they were S, the W wasn't exactly a WAW and there were some indications of reconciliation from the beginning. But similar to Busto, I believe that my W has felt lonely and disconnected for quite a while. So I struggled whether the low contact approach toward her (don't pursue, don't ask out, don't initiate) will actually have the effect I am looking for. I guess only experimentation will tell me. I do need to start a journal too, to be more attentive to her reactions.