2) you measure HERS so often, that she probably spends more energy defending herself than noticing anything you might be doing.
It's a TOTAL waste of time staring at your partners faults when the only one you control is you. I stand by that. Does that mean you are a piece of dirt? Of course not.
But constantly inserting something about HER FLAWS right after admitting some of your own, IS measuring AND worse, it's a great way to deflect from your own work. And that is your job. Not hers, not your family's, but yours.
Your life, your work - to become the best person YOU can.
Originally Posted By: adinva
I think it's not meant to cause you to beat yourself down with blame. It's always meant to me hope rather than guilt. Because if I have found things in this that are my responsibility then I can work on them and have a better life ahead. It is a complete waste of time to sit and consider what my H needs to change, or what Suckerpunch's wife needs to change, those things are not in our control.
It feels good to be able to say it's their fault too, or even mostly their fault, or the old standby it was both our fault but more so theirs because they're the ones who "chose" to leave. But that good feeling is fleeting. The good feeling that comes from owning your own stuff and working on it, is permanent. And way more attractive.
Thank YOU!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This really makes sense to me, and I am going to put more focus on MYSELF. I realize that I have put way too much emphasis on Wifes short comings, and I continue to keep a scorecard. It is time for it to go!
This past couple weeks has had me feeling a lot of forgiveness and understanding. At times, I still struggle with anger and the feeling of abandonment, but as the days go by, those feelings are becoming less and less of an issue and the happy thoughts are becoming more prominent. W and I have been co-parenting and staying very civil, to the best of our ability. We still have zero personal communication, other than in regards to daughter. Even that is pretty minimal. I believe she still struggles a great deal with anger, resentment or something, but like everyone says, that is her journey, not mine. I try my hardest not to let her influence my days.
The divorce proceedings are in full swing. It has not been verbalized between us, but it is pretty apparent (from cues through my lawyer) that a custody battle will ensue. I am not looking forward to that in the slightest. However, W is getting ready to move once again, still with the same boyfriend, but to a different house. This will be her 3rd residence in less than a year, not counting the family home. My fear is that W will continue to relocate over and over. I have been in the same location, literally on the same street, for the last 35 years. I went to the same schools, rode the same school bus, had the same friends and I knew where my home was going to be tomorrow. I want that stability for my daughter. Therefore, I am going to fight tooth and nail for primary household. I still wish to have a 50/50 parenting plan, because I feel that is the fairest agreement to an otherwise horrible situation. I am just keeping my head up, GALing, and staying focused on the good things in my life. It continues to be a stressful time for me, but I am hopeful for the future.
As long as she doesn't move out of the country or state or whatever your agreement may be, why does it matter? And this is all based on what you "think" might happen.
You're willing to make your relationship even more contentious over something that "might" happen.
I lived in the same house from my birth until I left home at the age of 21. My kids have moved 5 times since their birth. My childhood was no better than theirs. In fact, I would argue that theirs was better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well, LA.... I will definitely argue the importance of having the stability of a long term pier group and connection to a community. If you feel it is in a Childs best interest to uproot them, pull them away from their friends, school curriculum, teachers, school and community activities, then we will have to simply agree to disagree. I see it very differently. Perhaps that is based on the excellent schools and community my daughter and I live in. If we were located in Detroit or Compton, perhaps my views would be different.
To bring things into perspective, your children have moved 5 times in their 20+ years? My daughter just turned 7 years old this week, and her Mom is preparing to move for the 3rd time since BD, a little under 1 year ago today. Wife has already contacted the school, and she was upset to hear that they won't transport daugther to the next town over, where W and OM are currently living! If you will recall earlier in my sitch, I filed for divorce because W was threatening to take daughter into Canada to live. This isn't something I am willing pretend "might not" happen. I feel it most definitely will at some point, not a risk I am willing to take so that I can keep a fluffy happy relationship with my Ex W. I do not want my child to be drug around like a purse, to every household and boyfriend that W encounters. That is not a worry that I have. That is something that is happening RIGHT NOW in my sitch, and I don't feel it is in my daughters best interest.
My family moved several times when I was a child.... It depends on the child if it affects them positively or negatively. My brother turned out to be super out going can walk in a room and make "friends" and adjust immediately. As for me...I have a fear or losing people, just as you get close things "end". I am way more introverted and don't have all of the social skills my brother has but I am very flexible and adapt to change well.
I wish in had more stability and had friends from my early years that I was still friends with now. There are some things my brother didn't like as well as a result of moving so much. But we both agree that we wouldn't be as well rounded and have certain skills if we hadn't moved so much. So I understand SPs point... I think it depends on the child and the family as a whole on how the child adjusts.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
This was the first sentence in my post: As long as she doesn't move out of the country or state or whatever your agreement may be, why does it matter?
I never think a divorced parent should move and make it a hardship on the other parent. But it sounds as if she's moving in the same local area. If not, I'm mistaken.
Your W had to move from the place where she was living with you, then moved to the apt above the garage and then had to move because your family didn't want her there. Are those the moves? Or has she moved 3 times since she moved out of the garage apt?
I'm not spoiling for a fight here, just saying look at the big picture. Have you talked to W at all about your concerns?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I see what you're saying, LA.....but in the realm of a child, 30 minutes away is the equivalent to 3,000 miles away. She would be in a different school district, different friends (which she already complains about), different teachers, etc.
To answer your question about how many moves W has made in the past 12 months; she decided to move out of our marital home, when trading off time in the home no longer met her personal needs. That move didn't change daughters world all that much, outside of the home itself. She still had the same pier group, school, teachers, bus drivers and extra activities (mini-cheer, Daisy group, Church). Move #1 was simply moving to the apartment on our property
Move #2 came when W began spending nights at OM's with daughter, a completely different subject, but one I feel is also not in daughters best interest. In the very beginning, W and D would sleep on the couch. Flash forward about a month, W was sleeping in OM's room, while Daughter was sharing a bed with an adopted 12 year old (from another family who also lives in the home). Not until the past few weeks has daughter had her own space within that home, many many months! Move #2 was from the apartment to OM's house.
Keep in mind, wife WAS NOT forced out of the apartment, nor our home for that matter. I vented my concerns about asking her to move on this forum, but did not share this with wife. The apartment is still full of her belongings, and she has the only key. For all intents and purposes, it is still in her possession. She does spend some time there during the days, from time to time. I am not sure why or what for.
Move #3 is currently in progress. OM has another home, which he will be moving all 7 members into. Yes, 7 members. Daughter is currently living in OM's home (when she is not with me). This includes W, OM, daughter, OM's mother who has dementia, a married couple who are care givers for the mother and their adopted daughter. The new home will put them in yet ANOTHER school district which will make 3 schools and 4 homes for daughter, in less than a year!
I hope you see where I am going with this. I just don't see the stability in the home. I don't see the stability in W's decision making to include daughter in the relationship that W has chosen. I don't feel that daughter is being set as priority one. I believe WIFE is priority one, and her actions represent that. Therefore, I WILL fight for primary household. I don't wish to take any time away from wife. I feel it is extremely important for daughter to be connected to both parents, and she is. I feel whole heartedly that keeping daughter in the home, school and community she has been accustomed to is in her best interest.
