So lost and hurt #3

[indigo1]

just had a quick text exchange with W

M-I decided I am going to go to NY
W-How long will you be gone? Why did you all of a sudden decide to go?

M-I just need to get away from here
W-Why do you want to get away from here?
M-I just need to
W-Because of me?
M-Everything. I just need to sit in the middle of nowhere and think. I havent done it once this year yet. (hunting)
W-I know you haven't. You deserve a chance to do it. I just dont want to be the reason you're leaving.

That was 2 hours ago. I never responded to her last text

[Truegritter]

Listen the quicker you stop these conversations with your W the better off you'll be.

Give her need to know stuff with regards to D and nothing else.

She will make you responsible for all the craziness in her head and lay her guilt at your feet.

You are not responsible for her. Her choices.

You are responsible for yours so let's put your attention there.

In what ways did you screw up? What were her complaints against you? I haven't read through your whole thread so forgive me if I'm asking something you have covered here already.

This is a process and if you haven't read the resources not the top of this forum you still have homework.

I understand your wanting to run away. All of us wanted to do that. That is the easy road. So is letting the anger toward your wife eat you up. It also easy to try and kiss her @ss back into a relationship with you. That won't work and if it did you wouldn't want to be in THAT relationship.

So take a deep breath.... You just got kicked in the jimmy and it hurts.

Now

Get the mirror out and take a good look at that poor guy in the mirror. What do you see? How do you feel about that guy?

No excuses. Don't blame your wife for that face in the mirror.

You.

[indigo1]

I'm fine. I'm happy with myself right now. She is the one lost and confused. I always go to NY for a week this time of year, I'm not running away from anything. I was going to stay here this year because of everything but I changed my mind. There is no reason for me to put off my annual trip because of her. I'm not angry at her anymore, I cant control her actions and I know that. The recent findings upset me for a few hours, but I am human.

I was not affectionate and we had a major lack of communication. I have addressed those issues within myself and know I can be the way she needs me to. I may or may not get the chance to show my changes, thats in her hands. I have accepted that and I know I'll be fine no matter how this turns out. I want a new and better M with my W, but I'm prepared for the possibility that it may never happen.

[Truegritter]

I'm not talking about running away to NY.

And that up there sounds like the standard canned bull you tell everybody.

That's fine.

What issues caused you to be not affectionate and distant?

I'm not trying to upset you but if you are here then you might as well get your nickels worth.

I know you haven't seen me post before as I have been away from the Boards.

I'm going to challenge you as I was challenged when I got here. So you can answer the questions or not.

They aren't going away.

How are you feeling toward your W right about now?

[indigo1]

I know she still loves me but is scared that things will go back to the way they were. I'm not happy she has another man that she has turned to to help her out emotionally, but its my own fault because I was not there for her in that way over the past few years. I dug the hole that I am in right now, not denying that at all. I have taken a long hard look at myself and the way I was over these past two months. I know that I want to change and I also know that I have.

As far as why I was not as affectionate and as communicative as I should have been is probably because that is what I grew up seeing in my parents M. I had a long talk with them about this when I got kicked out of the house on 9/1 and stayed in NY with them for two weeks. It felt so good to get it out and really made me feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I dont want to live the rest of my life being like that. I love the feeling of being hugged and having that connection with someone. It just always felt awkward for some reason. I'm not scared to open myself up anymore and I just pray that I get the chance to be that man for my W some day.

[Truegritter]

One of the things that helped me is to stop watching and waiting for any sign from your W that she might be turning your way.

When we watch them we take the focus off of where it belongs.

On you.

She has given you time so don't waste it.

Ok so you know kinda "what" happened and you are blaming that on your parents.

That is is a start we recognize there was a problem.

I am a big fan of no buts or excuses. What do I mean?

I could have had good marriage BUT my parents didn't raise me the right way.

At some point you're going to have to dig deeper here indigo.

Why did it not feel right for you?

ALL these questions are for you. Not me. I don't need to know them.

But you do.

Also you are NOT to blame for your W having an affair so don't take that arrow.

Not unless you are paying the guy to do it?..

That hers.

Last thing. What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?

[indigo1]

Just had a long talk with W and set some boundaries for moving forward. We agreed to both just live our lives and be civil about things. We will still occasionally spend time together with no expectation until the year of living seperate is up. She wants me to go out and experience live without her including seeing other women if it comes to that. She again said she does not know if she will ever to get beyond the past and we will have to see what happens in time. I guess it is pretty much over for us by the sounds of it. She came to tears a few times and admitted that thinking of me with another woman hurts her but she thinks it may be necessary. I'm not giving up, but this makes it easier having laid all the cards out on the table. I told her where my heart stands right now and she knows that. We were both really calm and honest with each other about everything. She admitted she is not dating the other man but does have feelings towards him because he has been there for her during all this. He is still in a R with someone else but who knows what will happen. Looks like its time for me to let her go completely and just focus on me and my D. I never thought my life would end up like this

[indigo1]

Oh yea, on the bright side W still feels like crap so I get to take D out tonight for halloween. I cant wait she is gonna have a blast!!

[indigo1]

I know you guys are gonna tell me it was a mistake having that talk with the W last night, but she started it. I let her know that I feel like she has been leading me on and I feel like her plan B. That her comments about still loving me and having another child, buying a house and everything were not fair to me. She admitted that it was a little unfair and the thought of me giving the life she has always wanted to another women bothers her. I know there is still feelings there for me but she has to be the one to decide. She also brought up that people separate for a year or two and find themselves back together again. I just told her that I know my feelings right now, but cannot guarantee I will be able to wait that long. I know this all goes against DB strategy, but its out there now and will not come up again. Its strictly D business from now on, I will give her money to help out and only contact her as necessary. I cant wait til next thursday when I'm on a plane getting out of here for a week!

[Mach1]

Are you this defensive with your Wife, when she speaks to you ??

Do you not answer her questions when she would ask ???