Ambivalent, if you're still there, I'd like to know what convinced you to work on your problem? I assume you were somewhat like my wife. It's hard for me to understand how my wife thinks because I've been HD my whole adult and teenage life. The best I can tell, my wife sees my interest as an obsession with something that has no practical value, and is only a sort of internal-meditative selfish pleasure experience. At this point, her approach to my sexuality is more like, well, do whatever you need to do, just don't cause some huge embarrassment or complicate our lives. What's the hook that will work for her? How do you convince a person who sees no reason to even want to want?
At this point, I simply don't know what more I can do. I really have tried just about everything. Almost every suggestion I get is something I've already tried. It's with mixed feelings that I read of other couples who seem to be in my situation, including couples described in MWD's book on sexless marriages, who then go on to solve the problem. But at this point I'm convinced that these accounts leave out the failure cases. Understandably, if you're trying to solve a problem, who wants to read about people who tried and failed?
So, right off the bat, let's be clear that my case is one which is not solved with the simple love life advice given in virtually every magazine at the checkout counter. Lighting scented candles and drawing a warm bath does not work. A romantic evening at a fine restaurant with good conversation, handholding, and even kissing -- doesn't work. A nice getaway vacation for just the two of us -- doesn't work. She enjoys all those things, but it doesn't make her one bit more interested in sex. Not at all.
Also, I'm not interested in threatening divorce in order to get sex. That doesn't really work and doesn't establish the kind of relationship I want anyway. And in my case, even that wouldn't work.
Finally, I understand that I can just "move on", as I have been advised many times. I'm smart enough to realize that option is always there -- that takes no thinking whatsoever.
